LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!
HA!
WOODY ALLEN IS IN THE NEWS, HUH?
WELL, HE'S NOT, BUT I THINK HIS
WHOLE EXISTENCE IS WEIRD.
"MIDNIGHT IN PARIS" -- GOOD.
UM, MARRYING YOUR
STEPDAUGHTER -- BAD.
ARE WE JUST COOL WITH THAT?
WE'RE COOL WITH WHAT HE'S LIVING
WITH?
I'M NOT. BOOM!
REALLY TOPICAL HUMOR.
OH, MAN.
I WAS JOGGING DOWN THE STREET --
NO, I WASN'T JOGGING, 'CAUSE I
DON'T WORK OUT.
I'D RATHER JUST LET THE CALORIES
DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.
MAN, WE ARE KILLING IT!
NAH, MAN.
I'M KILLING IT.
TOMATO, TO-MAH-TO.
LETTUCE, ONIONS, PICKLES,
KETCHUP, MAYONNAISE, MUSTARD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST -- SINBAD!
YAY. AH-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H... DON'T BE SHY. DON'T BE SHY.
COME ON OUT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN?
[ LAUGHS ] SINBAD!
ASSALAMU ALAIKUM. ALAIKUM SALAM. ALL RIGHT. RIGHT ON.
HEY. WHAT'S UP?
YOU GONNA STAND THERE THE WHOLE
TIME?
YEAH.
SINBAD.
ANY PUBLIC APOLOGIES YOU'D LIKE
TO MAKE REAL QUICK UP AT THE
TOP?
UM, ANYBODY I'VE HURT IN MY
LIFE.
YEAH.
I SHOT A WOMAN ONCE.
DAMN.
IT WAS A CLUB IN DENVER.
YOU EVER BEEN ON ACID?
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
I'M ON IT RIGHT NOW.
THERE YOU GO.
WHAT'S THE WORST STAND-UP GIG
OF ALL TIME?
I DID -- I THINK IT WAS A
WEDDING -- OH, I DID A WEDDING.
THEY WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE A
PLACE TO STAY, SO I HAD JUST
ENOUGH MONEY TO STAY IN THIS
LITTLE HOLE-IN-THE-WALL PLACE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE -- THERE WAS A
PIMP.
HE SAID, "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL PAY FOR YOUR ROOM, BUT YOU
CAN'T BE HERE DURING THE DAY,
'CAUSE THE GIRLS ARE GONNA USE
YOUR ROOM."
WAIT. THE PIMP HOOKED IT UP?
PIMP HOOKED ME UP.
AND HE CAME TO MY SHOW.
YOU, OF COURSE, EITHER TOOK
THE SHEETS OFF OR SLEPT ON THE
FLOOR, RIGHT?
MUST HAVE BEEN STINKY-ASS
SHEETS.
THAT ROOM GONNA BE JIZZED
OUT, MAN.
THAT ROOM GONNA BE REAL JIZZED
OUT.
THE ROOM HAD TO BE JIZZED
WHAT WAS SINBAD'S SLEEPING
SITUATION?
NO.
IT HAD TO BE.
DID HE JUST BRING HIS OWN
SHEETS OR DID HE SLEEP ON THE
FLOOR?
YOU GOT TO WORRY ABOUT THE
JIZZ.
YOU GOT TO WORRY ABOUT BEDBUGS.
NO, IT WASN'T -- THEY WOULD
CLEAN IT, THE MAIDS.
OH, IT'S TIME FOR THE WHEEL
OF PRIZES!
ALL RIGHT!
YEAH.
YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO!
AH-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H...
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH!
OHH! OHH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH! YES! YES!
YES!
COME ON. COME ON.
COME O-- YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
I'LL JUST MOVE TO
NORTH KOREA.
I'LL JUST MOVE.
I'LL JUST MOVE TO NORTH KOREA.
OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY.
I'LL JUST MOVE TO
NORTH KOREA.
AH. PERFECT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
AAH!
GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!
I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL TWICE FOR
TWO BITS.
TALK TO THE [BLEEP] SECURITY
GUARD AND TALK TO THE COPS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST -- THE HULK!
YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE? YEAH, I'VE BEEN IN LOVE. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN LOVE.
I'VE BEEN IN LOVE.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT...
YEAH.
WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR
VIRGINITY?
WHEN I WAS, UH, 22.
YEAH? WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
IT WAS PRETTY COOL, YOU KNOW?
SHE, UH...
WENT TO AMSTERDAM.
I ACTUALLY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.
YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO A
PROSTITUTE?
YES, I DID.
YOU'RE ASKING SOME DOPE
QUESTIONS, MAN.
AND SHE GAVE YOU A BLOW JOB
WITH A CONDOM ON?
YES.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN THERE.
I HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE.
DESCRIBE -- DESCRIBE THE EVENT.
SOME FUN TIMES. FUN TIMES.
YOU CAN GET GRAPHIC.
THIS IS AFTER HOURS.
OH, AFTER HOURS.
WELL, I MEAN, I JUST...
WELL, I MEAN, UH...
SHE FIRST TOOK OFF HER CLOTHES,
AND THEN...
SHE PUT, LIKE, THE CONDOM ON
AND, UH, SHE, UH, YOU KNOW, SHE
WENT AHEAD AND...DID SHE --
WHAT -- DID, UH...WHAT, YOU
KNOW, SHE WAS PAID TO DO, YOU
KNOW?
SHE WAS PAID TO DO, UH...
WHICH IS?
A GOOD JOB OF, UH...
SEX?
THE HULK, EVERYBODY!
A LONG TIME AGO!
IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!
DARTH VADER CAPTURES
PRINCESS LEIA AND HAS STOLEN
PLANS FOR THE DEATH STAR!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
YELLOW HOODIE?
YOU SPECIFICALLY!
HE ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERS A
MESSAGE FROM THE PRINCESS LEIA!
YOU'RE A ROBOT!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!
SPECIFIC--
SPECIFICALLY!
I'M TALKING A LITTLE BIT OF
BOBA FETT!
BEN KENOBI ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE
KILLED!
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
WE ALL KNOW THA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A...
...A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS NEXT
GUEST WAS NOT EASY TO GET.
LIVING LEGEND, COMEDY ICON --
MR. JERRY SEINFELD, EVERYBODY!
JERRY SEINFELD.
JERRY SEINFELD. JERRY SEINFELD.
MAN, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN. THE AIRPLANE, MAN, IT'S ALL
MAN, I PAID $5,000 TO FLY FROM
NEW YORK TO LOS ANGELES, MAN.
ALL I GOT FOR IT IS PEANUTS AND
P-PIZZA, MAN!
[BLEEP] THAT [BLEEP]
MAN, I'M PISSED OFF, MAN.
THEY CLASHED MY ASS, MAN.
MY ASS!
[BLEEP] IT, MAN.
I'M PISSED OFF.
MAN, I'M GOING BACK TO NEW YORK,
MAN.
DUDES, I'M SO PISSED, I CAN'T
EVEN TALK RIGHT NOW.
[ SPAGHETTI-WESTERN MUSIC
PLAYS ]
HEY. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SHOW? MM, OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ERIC ANDRE?
I GUESS HE LIKES BOYS RATHER
THAN GIRLS.
YEAH.
WELL, HEY, TO EACH HIS OWN.
I GUESS SO.
CAN I GET A LITTLE KISS?
OKAY.
MWAH!
MWAH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME TAP-DANCING SENSATION
SAVION GLOVER!
RUSSELL BRAND HERE. AS I WAS SAYING...
DON'T LET YOUR COMPUTER JUST SLEEP. UNPLUG IT.