Lovely Sid and lovely Michelle are fucking.
- What the fuck...? - Shut up.
I'm saying it again. I love you.
EFFY
So, Paris is a shit-hole.
It's filthy, it's expensive, everyone's French.
We nearly came here for our honeymoon.
If you could see this dump
you'd appreciate those two weeks in Rhyl a lot fucking more!
Sausages made of colon! I mean, is that your idea of romance?
Anyway, bad news is head office want me out here for another week.
Fucking frogs can't fart without my assistance apparently.
So, be good for your mum, kids.
Keep a tight ship. Yep, all ship-shape, you know.
All right, well...
Lots of love. This is Dad, by the way.
- Hi, Dad. - Oh. Hello, sweetheart!
You being good for Mum?
- Helping her around the house? - I've got to go. Washing.
- Woman's work never done, eh? - Yeah. Ha-ha. Bye, Dad.
Bye. Can I speak to...?
Morning, Mum...
Tony?
Tony's better, Mum.
You... erm... gonna get dressed today?
Sure... sure, sweetie.
How long?
Don't rush me.
I'm down to my emergency pants.
The milk's off. I wouldn't bother with breakfast.
Still nothing?
Nothing.
How many times have you called her?
39.
Texts?
141.
Nothing?
Nothing.
Wow! Michelle really hates you.
Well, you did totally fuck up her relationship.
You stormed in and fucked it right up.
Yes, all right!
I love her, OK?
Love?
Just leave it, Eff.
Love, love, love.
What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Yes.
And that, ladies, is why Monet was shit.
As Lucian Freud once said to me, "Water lilies?
"My arse!"
I was modelling in the morning,
stroking him to thrilling climax in the afternoon.
"Enid", he said, "You will never be an artist.
"But your breasts are tremendous."
And with great breasts come great responsibility.
My task?
100% A grades through the medium of art.
And we need coursework on the subject of emotion.
Ursula, where is your emotion?
Oh, em, it's almost done, Madame Deluca.
Marjorie, Araminta.
All disciples of the redeeming rush of achievement.
And, Effy...
Ah yes, Effy.
Is there any hint of creative flowering?
Any gushing forth of self-expression?
Well, as I understand it,
in return for about £13,000 of your parents' money,
we guarantee total success.
So, I'd suggest you unblock your gush by Thursday.
As Georges Braque once said to me, the...
Is this Mrs Deluca's classroom?
No, child. This is Madame Deluca's studio.
And who, pray tell, are you?
I'm Pandora. I'm new. They...
- Sit or strip. - What?
Either sit down or divest yourself of your clothing
that we may feast upon your form with graphite and rubbers.
The bells, ladies.
They speak of achievement.
They speak of the ecstasy of what?
Self-expression.
Self-expression!
Yes. Yes. Oh, yes!
- Isn't she heavenly? - She's ripping.
Daddy knew her in Morocco and she's totally gaga for Arabs.
One moment, Effy?
Effy, one moment, please.
I don't think we can leave a new girl to bloom unaided, can we?
Pandora, darling, don't do that.
Why?
You see? An innocent.
She needs a mentor, a guide, wouldn't you say?
Er, no. I have my coursework and...
You can help each other. Would you like that, Pandora?
Yeah, I'd love it. I'm useless. That's why I'm here.
How perceptive you are.
And Effy, 100% success
or it's farewell to Westfield College for Young Ladies.
You mean they'll expel me?
Well, yes. Otherwise it doesn't work at all, does it?
No.
So, off you go, ladies.
Enjoy!
Dampen yourselves with the thrill of art!
Wait!
Effy, wait. Madame Deluca says we have to be friends.
I don't have friends.
Great. I don't have any either. Isn't that great?
I can do something you can't do.
There's nothing I can't do.
You can't do this, If it's good enough, can I be your friend?
I've got my own rope and everything.
Not bad.
Mum sent me to circus school for my dizzy spells, right?
Big finish, I take off my bra without unbuttoning anything.
OK.
OK, Effy.
- What do you want? - I think you know what I want.
Jake, I'm not going to screw you.
- Not even just as friends? - In your dreams.
Come on, you promised me a tumble.
Just as friends.
- So, I lied. - Bummer.
I'm ready.
- Who's that, then? - Pandora.
She's a bit funny-looking.
So are you.
You didn't say that when I gave you the neck job.
Only because you said you'd help me sell spliff tonight.
One... two...
Yeah, but I wanna lay you, baby.
I mean, just as friends, right?
I've got a friend. Wanker!
Taa-daa!
Impressive.
All right, Sid?
I was just, eh...
looking at your bins.
You wanna see Tony?
Well... eh...
might as well, now I'm here.
Come on.
Busy day?
You all right, Tone?
Wondered how you were doing.
Brilliant.
I've been worried about you since...
... you stole my girlfriend?
Well, she's gone off me too, Tone.
Don't mind if I...?
Not at all.
Tangy!
What's that?
Came in the post. Michelle's handwriting.
Can I open it? I love parcels.
That's Pandora.
Hi.
Mum sends our Christmas presents to the poor in Africa... and Barnsley.
Except for Scrabble, cos Mum says they probably can't read.
I gave it to Michelle for her birthday.
Tony, it's all my fault. Michelle was... It was just like...
I was filling her gap.
I mean... Not that gap...
So who wants to hear my best cock gag?
No, Mum.
- Hello Anthea... - Oh, Jesus.
No, listen. Best cock gag...
Mum, Mum. You don't need to.
Thank you very much! My name's Anthea Stonem.
I shall be here all week.
Come on, Mum. Think you need a lie-down.
Did they like my gag?
Yeah. Yeah, they loved it.
OK, Mum.
You take it easy.
Just have a nice little nap.
Yeah. You do that.
Then everything will be...
Is she mental?
No.
Just tired.
Your brother's really nice.
He's not nice.
He's amazing.
He was hit by a bus, you know.
Had to learn everything again.
How to swim.
How to write his name.
How to be my brother.
We're not getting on, are we?
No, Sid.
I was lonely.
And sometimes when bad stuff happen... You just need...
- A shag. - Yes. No!
She was my girlfriend.
Tony. She wasn't your girlfriend. You didn't want her.
Well, now I do. So fuck you.
You remember when we were little and we had a fight?
Like when you told Miss Stevens I shaved the hamster.
Yeah. Like that.
And we wouldn't talk to each other all day,
then you'd turn up on your pink bike with the stabilisers.
It wasn't pink, it was magenta.
You'd say sorry and we'd do our special
high five thing, and that was it. Sorted.
Yeah.
Easy.
- That didn't work, did it? - No.
It didn't.
- Where you going? - Revision.
We've got to fix this.
Then get her back for me.
You're an idiot.
You are fucking the wrong girl.
It's Cassie you love.
You only got mixed up with Michelle because, let's face it, men are dicks,
and there was no-one else to screw, which is totally fucking pathetic.
Isn't it?
Has anyone ever told you, Effy,
this whole sneaking up on people, getting inside their head, it's not cool.
I'm right, though.
You're always right! You and your fucking brother!
You're always fucking, fucking...
... right.
That milk's two weeks old.
It's OK. I put some cocoa powder in it.
It's a bit chewy, that's all.
Shit!
Why do I always screw up?
You do seem pretty good at it, though.
- Cass won't talk to me. - What makes you think that?
Came in the post.
My life is a total shit pile again.
My best friend - I fucked it up.
My girlfriend - I fucked it up.
My other girlfriend - I fucked it up.
You'd give anything to have it all fixed.
But you're incapable of anything involving effort, focus or subtlety...
Yep.
Women are a total mystery to you.
- You got it. - Any good at art?
Course not.
My art coursework.
It's on the subject of emotion and you seem quite...
Emotional. So you can do it for me.
And?
Oh, for Christ's sakes!
I'll sort out your fucking soap opera.
You will?
Just this once.
Oh! Effy, you've got such a lovely lot of clothes.
Pals always share, don't they? Oh, hang on.
Hi, Mum. Guess what?
I've got a friend!
No, not like the last one.
No, not on the internet.
No, Mum, she really is a girl this time.
Come on.
Where we going, Eff?
- Eff? - Yeah. Where we going, Eff?
- To pick up. - Pick up what?
Hi, Mum!
We're just going to pick up.
She wants to know what.
Drugs.
Salad. Eff!
Come in.
Who's this?
- Pandora. - Hi.
She's a virgin.
Cool!
Hey, Cass. I borrowed your knickers.
OK. See you.
You're an awesome shag, you know that?
Of course!
They're man and woman kissing!
Cass.
Sid says he's very sorry.
He loves you.
He's sorry he fucked Michelle.
He wants you back.
Tell him I've discovered the power of the pussy.
Oh, yes!
That one's called Sidley.
And that's Mischa.
Isn't Mischa just so pretty?
Look at Sidley, sliming all over her.
Disgusting, isn't he?
Are they doing it?
Yes, they are doing it.
When I'm ready I'll pour salt on them.
When I'm good and ready.
Come on, get your bush.
There you go.
Three eighths of top-quality weed.
- All right if I pay you tomorrow? - It's all right. I can pay.
How much is it for weeds?
Oh. Not much.
Grandpops died and left me his credit card.
Right.
Are we gonna put weeds in a reefer now and get honky?
Not yet.
It's open.
- Hi, Cass. - Hi, Danny.
Come here.
Gotta get on, you know.
So, Sid?
Any other thoughts?
Tell him I'm on a one-way ticket to Dick City,
and I love it.
Bloomin' heck!
She's a bit of a... What do you call it?
Whore.
Sorry I messed everything up.
Sorry for not looking when I crossed the road.
Sorry you got depressed.
Sorry Dad couldn't handle being around at home.
I love her, Mum.
I keep thinking...
I keep thinking she's just gonna turn up at the door.
What's the point? You can't hear me.
She's our Sleeping Beauty.
Jesus!
Waiting for a prince.
You want some spliff?
- It makes me weird. - What, weirder than this?
Fuck it.
Why bother?
With what?
Caring about people.
You don't fool me,
Effy Stonem.
Hi, Mum!
No, I'm fine.
I'm super-duper fine.
Yep.
I'm with my friends
and they're, like, so fucking amazing!
Well, I guess I'm looking at Tony's cock.
But he can't tell.
See ya!
Is Effy in?
- Upstairs. - Ta.
You gonna nail my sister? Is that it?
First my girlfriend, then my sister?
No, I...
All right.
Just asking.
Nah, I'll wait till she's 16.
Keep it legal, yeah?
Loser isn't an emotion.
It is to me.
- You think it's shit, don't you? - Yes.
I used four Biros! I bought them!
Four!
You owe me 79 pence.
Woah, Effy, what are you doing?
I'm going out. You've got 24 hours, Sid,
to produce something that doesn't look like coursework for GCSE Spaz.
Dip your brush in that. And don't even think of leaving
this room until you've done it.
Listen, I don't think this is working out, yeah?
Shall we just leave it, OK? I quit.
Sid! Oh, my God! It's huge! Sid!
All right. I'm doing it.
Enjoy.
Somebody come and get me.
Why do I have to come?
Because if you get any more boring, we'll have to put you down.
- Nice. - I don't think you're boring, Tony.
What about Mum?
She doesn't like boys. She says they just want my pants to get into.
No. My Mum.
She's fine. She's asleep.
Stop being a prick. All right?
- Hi, Reg! - All right, sweetheart?
How's the novel going?
To be honest, Effy, I'm having a struggle with the denouement.
My publisher's getting very picky
about the post-modernist chapter structure.
- Hang on, who's this? - This is Pandora.
How old are you, love? 12?
No. I'm...
... 32!
I think you're taking the piss, little girl.
And I don't like it when little girls take the piss.
Do know what I wanna do with little girls who take the piss? Do you?
I give 'em a lollipop.
Go on in, girls. Have a good'un.
ID?
Strictly over 21s.
Hang on. You just let them in.
Who?
Come on.
Give me a fucking lollipop!
Can't do it, mate.
Yeah, in you go.
Blimmin' heck!
You want to make fuck fuck with nice sexy boy?
Piss off, Jake.
You look hot, baby.
It makes me want to take you!
Holy shit!
Listen to me, fuckpig. We've got spliff to sell,
so send little Dicky back to Bollockistan and get on with it. OK?
You do spliff. I'll do pills.
What pills?
Make over 100 quid and I'll make sure you get laid. Deal?
Just as friends.
Come on.
Where's the sodding ashtray.
This is brilliant, Eff!
Best friends always go to the wizza together, don't they?
I've seen it in the films.
Got any loo paper, Eff?
No.
Eff? Eff. I wanna get wonky off my face too.
Can I have one?
Oh, for Christ sake. One. And you puke on your own, OK?
You owe me three quid.
What do you think?
Oh, yes.
Excellent, but...
In you go girls. Have a good'un.
But?
The character arcs are immaculately achieved
with a good degree of stylistic control.
Especially liked the doorman with super powers.
Vaporising Reeboks, very nice.
But you need to move the climactic development back,
so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic Horde.
See?
That's it!
That's it! You solved it!
Have a good one, mate.
What the fuck are you doing? You just sold Michelle's watch.
Let it go, Tony. Michelle did.
What? What!
Tony!
Tony, the music's beautiful!
You're beautiful!
- Get off. - I love you!
Pandora, no!
I want to lick your bottom.
No!
I want to lick your... balls.
For fuck's sakes.
Time to go home.
I fucking hate you.
Well, hello.
130 English pounds.
I claim my prize. American Pie.
Lucky you.
Just one thing.
Man, you said we were gonna get jiggy!
I said you'd get laid, Jake.
And you will. You will.
Don't worry.
You're gonna love this.
So you don't know me but a very good friend of mine said you might be
into what I'm into?
Oh, and what's that?
Then she told me that all that time
she'd been screwing my friend. I was just...
I couldn't believe she'd do that to me, you know?
If it wasn't for my slugs,
I don't know what I might have...
Poor you. I can't believe it.
It happened to me too.
Yeah?
And what did you do about it?
Fuck relationships.
I'm into mindless sex now.
Oh, mindless. Yeah.
You know, I just wanna blot everything out, you know.
I'd really like to blot it out now.
Right here,
by this window?
How old did you say you were?
Oh, older than I look.
It's the grief. It takes years off you.
Oh, yeah.
NOOOO!!!!!!
Phone's buggered.
Can't call her then?
What's the use?
The thing I don't understand is why her voicemail is off.
If I could leave a message...
But it just rings and rings.
You really don't understand anything, do you, Tone?
What?
As long as it's ringing,
she knows you're there.
I can't believe you sold Michelle's watch.
- Who says I sold it? - What d'you mean?
Put your SIM in that.
I'm going out.
Michelle! There's a man here with a parcel for you!
Cass!
Listen, open the door, Cass.
Sid, she doesn't wanna see you.
I don't fucking care, OK? Cass!
Come on, leave it, man. This ain't...
What the fuck are you doing?
Jesus, Sid. Just go, man.
It's all right, Chris. I'm fine.
All right. Watch it.
Yeah? Or I'll...
What will I do?
Bite his head off and spit in the hole?
Yeah.
I probably wouldn't do that, but... Yeah...
What do you want, Sid?
I want you to stop what you're doing, OK?
You know, fucking around. Fucking anything that moves. Just stop it.
- You started it. - I don't care.
I don't care. You're cruel.
- I hate you. - Hate you right back.
Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? Oh, another one.
Give it a fucking rest, OK? You know, it's you and me.
You know that and you're being stupid.
My turn.
You went away. Why did you go away? I needed you, and you pissed off.
My dad said...
He said you're special but you're not.
You're just slutting around like a spoilt kid.
Michelle, Sid. Michelle!
I don't love Michelle!
I never loved Michelle. I loved you, but you...
You...
Oh, God.
Where were you?
Dad fucking died!
I needed you...
And Michelle...
So we had great sex for three days and then guilty sex for the rest.
So what?
I don't care.
I did it.
I hate you.
Fine.
Fuck 15-year-olds.
Whatever. I'm sick of saying sorry.
I love you.
You say sorry.
I didn't fuck him, Sid.
His mum had sewn his name into his trousers.
And well,
he got a bit excited.
And he squashed my slug.
My slug called Sidley.
So I threw him out.
Look, if he's still bothering you, Cass, then...
Got ya.
Smokin'!
I love you, too.
Deadline is upon us.
I have coursework from everyone of a very high standard.
Pandora's contribution is thrillingly abstract.
It simply reeks of emotion.
The girl has great talent.
Surprising.
Even Ursula has come through with a little coaching.
All As, without a doubt.
Another triumph for the art department.
All we need is now is yours
and we will have our 100% record for another year.
It's finished.
Oh. Splendid.
And which emotion have you depicted?
Anger, jealousy, bitterness, tiredness,
hope, lust,
love.
A veritable feast. So where is it?
It's everywhere.
My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.
It's conceptual. You just can't see it.
- You're saying you haven't done it. - No.
I'm saying you can't see it.
Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work
for the Anglo-Welsh GCSE Board, now, is it...?
No.
They'll just have to expel me.
- Goodbye, Madame Deluca. - Goodbye, Effy.
I was going to tell you about Georges Braque.
He was a very great artist
and also truly remarkable at oral sex.
Anyway, he gave me some advice I've always remembered.
What was it?
If they don't like it, fuck 'em.
Ah, Georges,
Georges...
Hello!
I'm back!
Hi, Dad.
Hi. They let me come back early.
That's great.
Yes, isn't it?
- Where's Mum? - She's asleep.
Well, she won't mind if I go up, then.
Tired after the flight, you know.
Fine.
So. You feeling OK, son?
I'm feeling great, Dad.
Good.
That's really good.
What you been up to?
Revision.
It's good to have you back, Dad.
It's good to be back.
Jim.
Came home early.
Missed you.
I've been asleep.
Is everything all right?
Think so.
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