> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY:
ALL RIGHT: THANK Y'ALL, THANK
Y'ALL FOR BEING HERE:
FIRST OFF: I WANT TO WISH
EVERYONE A HAPPY WOMEN'S MARCH:
A MILLION WOMEN STRONG OUT THERE
TO CELEBRATE THE PRESIDENT'S
FIRST KICK ASS YEAR IN OFFICE:
WE DID IT GIRLS:
NOW THAT THE SENATE AS ADJOURNED
NOW I KNOW ALL OF YALL HAVE A
BUNCH OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN:
PRESIDENT TRUMP MAINTAINS THAT
ANY DEAL HE SIGNS MUST INCLUDE A
BORDER WALL: AND HE HAS BEEN
VERY CONSISTENT THAT IT MOST BE
A SOLID PHYSICAL WALL WITH SOME
PARTS SEE THROUGH: SOME PARTS
FENCE: AND SOME PARTS EMPTY
SPACES
THAT OPERATE ON THE HONORS
SYSTEM:
AND IT WILL BE PAID FOR BY
MEXICO WITH U: S. TAX PAYER
MONEY:
IF YOU WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE FOR
THE SHUT DOWN: BLAME SENATOR
CHUCK SCHUMER
#SCHUMERSHUTDOWN:
LET'S GET IT TRENDING Y'ALL.
AND NOW ONTO THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE WEEK:
I HAVE AGAIN ASKED THE WHITE HOUSE
PHYSICIAN DR: RONNY JACKSON TO
COME OUT HERE AND TELL YOU
AGAIN ABOUT HOW NOT FAT THE
PRESIDENT IS:
OKAY DR: JACKSON?
GO AHEAD, GO GET EM:
THANK YOU:
ALL RIGHT: ONCE AGAIN I RELEASE
THE FOLLOWING, UNBIASSED: 100%
ACCURATE HEALTH ASSESSMENT:
AT THE TIME OF EXAMINATION THE
PRESIDENT WAS 71 YEARS AND
7 MONTHS YOUNG:
HIS RESTING HEART RATE WAS A
COOL 68 BPM:
HIS WEIGHT A VERY STOUT
239 POUNDS:
HE HAS A GORGEOUS 44 INCH COKE
BOTTLE WAIST:
HIS HEIGHT IS 75 INCHES WITH
LEGS THAT ‐‐ WELL THEY SEEM TO
GO ON FOREVER:
SIZE 12 SHOE SO YOU FILL IN THE
BLANKS THERE:
IT'S MY EXPERT MEDICAL OPINION
THAT THE PRESIDENT'S GOT A
ROCKING BOD WITH A PERFECT
AMOUNT OF CUSHION FOR THE
PUSHIN:
AND IF GIVEN THE CHANCE I WOULD:
ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?
YES.
SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THESE
RESULTS ARE FABRICATED BECAUSE
THEY HAVE TAKEN EVEN ONE LOOK AT
THE PRESIDENT:
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
AGAIN, LET ME BE CLEAR: THE
PRESIDENT IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL
CONDITION:
NOW HE DOES TAKE CRESTOR FOR HIS
CHOLESTEROL, WHICH IS NORMAL:
HE TAKES PROPECIA: AS AN INSIDE
JOKE:
TAKES ASPIRIN FOR HIS HEART AND
HE HAS BEEN POUNDING PINEAPPLE
JUICE TO KEEP EVERYTHING SWEET:
OKAY?
I'M TELLING YOU: THIS HUNK IS
HEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE PRESIDENT
FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 10 TO
20 YEARS EASY:
NEXT QUESTION:
YEAH: THERE SOME QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S MENTAL
FITNESS AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS
OF COURSE PUSHED BACK ON THAT:
NOW, SINCE YOU HAVE EXAMINED HIM
PERSONALLY, MY QUESTION IS: HOW
BROKE THAT BRAIN?
OKAY: WE DID DO A COGNITIVE
EXAM AT THE PRESIDENT'S REQUEST:
AND HE PASSED IT WITH FLYING
COLORS, ALMOST NO HINTS:
THIS PRESIDENT BRAGGED ABOUT
SCORING HIGHER ON THAT TEST THAN
ANY OTHER PRESIDENT: IS THAT
TRUE?
IN FAIRNESS: NO OTHER
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN GIVEN THIS
EXAM:
WE TYPICALLY ONLY USE THIS THE
TEST TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT
SEVERELY BRAIN DAMAGED OR A
MONKEY IN PEOPLE CLOTHES:
BUT THE PRESIDENT GRABBED ME BY
THE COLLAR AND INSISTED ON
TAKING IT:
AND LET ME TELL YOU:
HIS GRIP IS UNNATURALLY STRONG:
HE'S GOT THE STRENGTH OF A GUY
THAT WOULD FAIL THAT TEST IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN:
WHILE YOU WERE EXAMINING THE
HI, DID HE PRESIDENT MENTION ANY
DETAILS ABOUT HIS SEXUAL
ENCOUNTER WITH PORN STAR STORMY
DANIELS?
HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S YOUR
NAME AND WHERE YOU FROM?
UH, PETE DAVIDSON: "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE:"
WELL LISTEN PETE DAVIDSON:
THE DOCTOR IS NOT TAKING ANY
QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT: SO YOU CAN
JUST GET:
RATS: I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT
WORK RIGHT NOW ANYWAY:
ACTUALLY I CAN'T CONFIRM
NOW I CAN'T CONFIRM WHETHER THE
PRESIDENT AND MS: DANIELS HAD
RELATIONS OR NOT: BUT I CAN TELL
YOU THAT IF THEY DID SHE IS A
LUCKY WOMAN: ALL RIGHT?
AT HIS REQUEST WE ALSO GAVE THE
PRESIDENT A SEX EXAM AND HE BLEW
THE DOORS OFF OF THAT SUCKER: HE
NAILED EVERY POSITION PERFECTLY:
AS A MEDICAL STAFF: WE TRY TO
STAY IMPARTIAL: BUT WHEN HE WAS
DONE THERE WASN'T A DRY EYE IN
THE ROOM: IT WAS TRULY
BEAUTIFUL:
I'M SORRY: ALL OF THIS
INFORMATION JUST SOUNDS PRETTY
RIDICULOUS: YOU DON'T EXPECT US
TO REALLY BELIEVE THIS STUFF:
RIGHT?
ALRIGHT YOU HEARD THE DOCTOR: THE PRESIDENT HAS PASSED
EVERY EXAM WE GAVE HIM
PHYSICAL, MENTAL: THE TIDE POD
CHALLENGE CRUSHED IT
BUT WE HAVE A GOVERMENT
SHUT DOWN TO DEAL WITH
Y'ALL SO YOU NEED TO SCOOT:
ALRIGHT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!
WITH ‐‐
FEATURING ‐‐
MUSICAL GUEST ‐‐
TROYE SIVAN:
AND YOUR HOST ‐‐
JESSICA CHASTAIN:
♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ‐‐
JESSICA CHASTAIN:
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> THANK YOU:
THANK YOU SO MUCH:
YOU GUYS: IT IS SO GREAT TO BE
HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE:"
THIS IS SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO
MY WHOLE LIFE:
BUT I NEVER GET TO DO STUFF LIKE
THIS BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS CAST AS
A STRONG POWERFUL WOMEN:
I USUALLY SAY LINES LIKE "TAKE
THE SHOT DAMN IT:"
WHEN WILL I GET TO PLAY THE
NAGGY GIRLFRIEND AND SAY
SOMETHING LIKE "DAVID"?
BUT I'M REALLY EXCITED TO BE
HERE: ESPECIALLY TODAY BECAUSE
THIS WEEKEND IS THE ONE‐YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF THE WOMEN'S
MARCH!
AND EVERYONE KNOWS WOMEN NEVER
FORGET AN ANNIVERSARY:
SO TODAY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS
OF PEOPLE WERE OUT THERE FOR THE
CAUSE, AND THEY ARE SO: SO BRAVE
BECAUSE IT IS THE WORST FLU
SEASON EVER:
GOD BLESS THEM:
I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE
MARCHING ALONGSIDE THEM:
HEY WE'LL MARCH WITH YOU:
JESSICA:
YEAH: I'M ALWAYS WEARING
PRACTICAL FOOTWEAR:
GIRLS LET'S TELL THEM WHAT'S
UP ♪
♪ YOU DON'T OWN ME
DON'T TRY TO
CHANGE ME IN ANY WAY ♪
♪ YOU DON'T OWN ME
DON'T TIE ME
DOWN BECAUSE I'LL
NEVER STAY ♪
OH, I AM SO EXCITED THAT
WE'RE GOING THIS:
AND I GOT US ALL OF P‐HATS:
WELL I CAN'T SAY THE REAL WORLD
BECAUSE BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF
THOSE WORDS THAT ONLY THE
PRESIDENT USES:
YOU MEAN PUSSY HATS?
YEAH:
♪ DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO: AND
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO SAY: ♪
♪ AND PLEASE WHEN I GO
OUT WITH YOU
DON'T PUT ME ON
DISPLAY ♪
HEY GUYS: WE WANT TO MARCH
TOO.
YEAH, WE LOVE WOMEN:
DUDE DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT:
THAT'S SO SWEET: THANK YOU
FOR BEING ALLIES:
YEAH: TOTALLY
CAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THE MAN'S ROLE
IN THE SITUATION TO JUST LISTEN:
I THINK--
BECK:
YEAH SORRY, YOU DON'T NEED US:
♪ AND DON'T TELL
ME WHAT TO DO
AND DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO SAY ♪
YES, WHOO!
WOMEN'S MARCH!
UM MELISSA: WHY ARE YOU SO
DRESSED UP?
LOOK, I'M A PROUD FEMINIST:
BUT I'M STILL TRYING TO CATCH A
HUSBAND:
LADIES WE WERE STRONG LAST
YEAR AND WE WILL BE EVEN
STRONGER THIS YEAR SO ‐‐
LET'S DO THIS DAMN IT!
♪ I'M YOUNG AND I LOVE
TO BE YOUNG:
I'M FREE AND I
LOVE TO BE FREE ♪
♪ TO LIVE MY LIFE
THE WAY THAT I
WANT TO SAY AND DO
WHATEVER I PLEASE ♪
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
TROYE SIVAN IS HERE:
SO STICK AROUND: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK!
♪♪
> LAST SEASON WE BROKE NEW
GROUND: WITH OUR FIRST BLACK
BACHELORETTE AND THIS SEASON
WE'RE BACK TO THE WHITES:
HE IS A RACE CAR DRIVER WHO
DEPENDING ON THE LIGHT IS
HANDSOME:
WHICH OF THE 12 LAURENS WILL HE
CHOOSE TO BE HIS BRIDE?
WE'LL FIND OUT THIS SEASON ON
"CAR HUNK:"
HI, I'M ARI AND I A CAR GUY:
VROOM VROOM:
TOLD TO BE I'M ON THIS SHOW:
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN MY LIFE:
BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE
GIRLS:
I LIKE THIS:
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU:
I'M LAUREN B: I'M A
PSYCHIATRIC NURSE'S
PATIENT:
AND YOU CAN TELL BY MY VOICE
THEY DON'T HAVE A DAD:
I LOVE THAT:
SORRY: CAN I SIT DOWN FOR A
SEC?
MMM, I LIKE THIS:
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU:
I'M LAUREN C, AND FIRST OFF:
SORRY I'M 30.
HERE IS MY UNDERWEAR SO YOU WILL
NEVER FORGET WHERE I'M FROM:
OH YEAH: WHERE IS THAT?
LABIA, ALABAMA:
SORRY: CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC?
I LIKE THIS:
I'M SORRY I CRIED ON OUR DATE
TODAY:
PLAYING MINI GOLF WITH
YOUNG SHELLDON: REALLY TOOK ME
OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE:
THAT'S OKAY: TELL ME
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU:
I'M ACTUALLY AN INVENTOR?
OH YEAH?
WHAT DID YOU INVENT?
EATING TIDE PODS:
I LOVE THAT:
SORRY: CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC.
FINE, I'LL JUST HAVE A SNACK:
I LIKE THIS:
WAIT: ARE YOU A DIFFERENT GUY?
DOES IT MATTER?
NO, SOME OF THE GIRLS MIGHT
BE TELLING YOU SOME MESSED UP
STUFF I'M DOING IN THE HOUSE:
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW IT'S
WORSE:
I LOVE THAT:
I HOPE I ACT INSANE ENOUGH TO
BE ON THE SUMMER ONE OF THESE
SHOWS WHERE THE WOMEN SLEEP IN
THEIR BATHING SUITS:
SORRY: CAN I STEAL HIM HERE
FOR A SEC?
I LIKE THIS:
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF:
MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN MY TOWN
DON'T HAVE TEETH: SO I'M THEIR
QUEEN THERE:
I LOVE THAT:
IT'S JUST: I'M SO SCARED THAT
I'M GONNA GET SENT HOME BECAUSE
I'M THE ONLY GIRL IN THE HOUSE
WHO HASN'T SHOWN YOU HER FULL
NAKED BUTT:
SORRY: CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC?
MM, I LIKE THIS:
TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU:
WELL, I HAVE SHORT HAIR: IS
THAT THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE
SEEN IN YOUR LIFE?
YEAH BUT SOMEHOW I STILL LIKE
YOU.
IT'S BECAUSE I'M BARELY 21:
OH YEAH: THAT'S WHY I'M
HORNY:
SORRY: CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC?
HI, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING:
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY MAN IN MY LIFE:
THIS IS BUSTER:
YOU COLLECT TAXIDERMY?
NO, HE'S JUST REGULAR DEAD: BUT
HE WAS MY FIRST KISS:
DO YOU WANT TO BE MY SECOND?
I DON'T THINK WE'RE THERE
YET.
BUT WE ARE, SO COME HERE BABY:
OH YEAH, A WANNA TELL YOU A SECRET:
I HAVE A GUN IN MY ROOM:
THANKS FOR BEING VULNERABLE:
YOU GOT IT:
SORRY CAN I STEAL HIM FOR A
SEC?
I LOVED OUR DATE TODAY:
IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE PLAYING A
DEAD BODY ON HBO "CRASHING:"
I'M SORRY I CRIED SO HARD I
PUKED:
THAT'S OKAY: I THOUGHT
IT WAS CUTE:
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU
THAT IS REALLY HARD TO SAY:
I ACTUALLY HAVE CURLY HAIR:
I'LL WALK YOU OUT:
♪♪
♪ IN WEST PHILADELPHIA
BORN AND RAISED
ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE
I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS ♪
♪ WHEN A COUPLE GUYS THAT
WERE UP TO NO GOOD
STARTING MAKING TROUBLE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
♪ I GOT IN ON LITTLE FIGHT
AND MY MOM GOT SCARED
SHE SAID ♪
♪ YOU'RE MOVING IN WITH YOUR
AUNTIE AND UNCLE
IN BEL AIR ♪
♪ I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM
I WAS FINALLY THERE
TO SIT ON MY ♪
♪ THRONE AS THE
PRINCE OF BEL AIR ♪
♪♪
♪ TURNS OUT ♪
♪ THE GUYS I FOUGHT WEREN'T
REGULAR THUGS
THEY WERE A POWERFUL GANG
RUNNING GUNS AND DRUGS ♪
♪ AND BECAUSE OF OUR FIGHT
ONE WENT TO JAIL SO THEY
FOLLOWED ME ALL OF THE WAY
OUT TO BEL AIR ♪
LET'S GO TO BEL AIR AND KILL
THAT NERD!
♪ THEY BARGED RIGHT THROUGH
THE DOOR AND STARTED
TRASHING THE PLACE
MY UNCLE PHIL GOT UP ♪
♪ IN THE LEADER'S FACE
HE SAID: SON I'M A JUDGE
YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪
♪ THEN THEY BEAT MY UNCLE
PHIL WITHIN AN INCH OF
LIFE ♪
CALL SOMEBODY: CALL THE COPS!
♪ CARLTON THEN PISSED HIS
KHAKIS AND SNITCHED ME OUT
HE'S HIDING OUTSIDE
IN THE POOL HOUSE ♪
♪ AND SO I GOT OUT OF
THERE AS QUICK AS
I CAME ♪
♪ LAY LOW AT A MOTEL
HIDING FROM THAT GANG ♪
♪ THEN THIS LADY SHOWS
UP AND HERE IS
WHAT SHE SAID ♪
♪ I'M FBI YOU STAY HERE
YOU'RE DEAD
AT THAT VERY MOMENT I WAS
FROZEN BY WITH FEAR ♪
♪ SHE SAID IF YOU WANT
TO STAY ALIVE YOU GOT
TO DISAPPEAR ♪
♪ CUT TO THE CITY MORGUE
WHERE I'M SCARED AND
CONFUSED ♪
♪ SHE'S DRESSING A
DEAD BODY IN MY CLOTHES
AND MY SHOES ♪
♪ SAYS SHE NEEDS MY TEETH
AND A COUPLE OF HAIRS
TO MAKE THE THUGS ♪
♪ THINK THE BODY'S
THE FRESH PRINCE OF
BEL AIR ♪
THE BODY IN THE CAR HAS BEEN
IDENTIFIED AS A PHILADELPHIA MAN
WHO ACCORDING TO FRIENDS ENJOYED
CHILLING OUT MAX AND RELAXING
ALL COOL AND ‐‐
♪ I WATCHED MY FUNERAL FROM
BEHIND A TREE
I SAW MY MOMMA CRY
AS THEY BURIED ME ♪
♪ I SAID CAN'T I JUST LET
HER KNOW THAT
I'M ALRIGHT SHE SAID ♪
♪ NOW YOU'RE A GHOST: SAY GOOD
NIGHT:
♪ I WOKE UP IN A WAREHOUSE
ON A METAL SEAT WITH A
SCARY JAPANESE MAN LOOKING AT
ME ♪
THE DEBT IS REPAID:
♪ THE FED SAID TO THE MAN
I ASKED WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] IS
HAPPENING ♪
♪ SHE SAID I'M NOT FBI
BUT I'M SORRY I USED YOU
BUT MY FATHER OWES A LOT
OF MONEY TO THE YAKUZA ♪
♪ SO ALL OF THIS WAS JUST
A CRAZY PLOY ♪
SILENCE WORM: NOW YOU'RE A
NOBODY BOY:
♪ DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS
DIDN'T WANT TO FIND OUT
BUT THEY BURNED OFF MY ♪
♪ FINGERPRINTS AND THEY DUCT
TAPED MY MOUTH ♪
♪ THEN GUNSHOT AND THE
HENCHMAN DROPPED
THE PHILLY THUGS ENTERED
HOLDING 9'S AND GLOCKS ♪
HEY YO: PHILLY'S MY TOWN
AKIRA!
♪ SAID THE THUG TO THE MAN
SO GATHER UP YOUR
CREW AND GO BACK TO JAPAN ♪
♪ THE MAN JUST SMILED THEN
QUIETLY ANSWERED
GENTLEMEN PLEASE TEACH OUR
GUESTS SOME MANNERS ♪
♪ BOTH CREWS OPENED UP
BULLETS WERE FLYING PAST
THE RED HEAD GOT HIT
WITH A SHOTGUN BLAST ♪
♪ IN THE SHADOWS STOOD
A MAN NOBODY KNEW WHO
HE WAS ♪
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
YOU CAN CALL ME THE JUDGE:
♪ UNCLE PHIL SAID YOU NEED
TO GET OFF THE GRID YOU CAN
NEVER GO BACK TO THE LIFE
THAT YOU LIVED ♪
♪ SO I CRAWLED ON THE FLOOR
PAST THE RED HEADED TRAITOR
AND HER LAST WORDS WERE ♪
♪ YO HOMES SMELL
YA LATER ♪
[ GUNSHOTS ]
♪ AND THAT'S MY STORY
ALL ABOUT HOW
MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED
TURNED UPSIDE DOWN ♪
♪ AND IF ANYBODY ASKS
JUST SIT RIGHT THERE
AND TELL THEM HOW I
BECAME ‐‐ ♪
JASPER MITCHELL OF
WHITERIDGE, NEW HAMPSHIRE:
♪♪
> HELLO AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER
GOOGLE TALK STREAMING LIVE
ACROSS THE GLOBE FROM GOOGLE HQ
CALIFORNIA:
I'M YOUR HOST, SUMMER CHILDS:
♪ LET'S GIVE 'EM SOMETHIN'
TO GOOGLE TALK ABOUT ♪
SORRY:
TODAY'S TOPIC IS BULLYING: WHICH
I'LL BE DISCUSSING WITH THE
STUDENTS IN OUR AUDIENCE AND OUR
GUEST: U. C. BERKLEY SOCIOLOGY
PROFESSOR, RAY CHAPMAN:
PLEASURE TO BE HERE:
NOW, WE ASKED EACH MEMBER OF
OUR AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN
SOMETHING THEY HAVE BEEN BULLIED
FOR.
WHICH OUR STAGE MANAGER
DEBBIE IS HANDING ME
THANKS DEBBIE:
14 PEOPLE SAID RELIGION:
9 PEOPLE ANSWERED RACE OR
ETHNICITY:
5 PEOPLE SAID SEXUAL
ORIENTATION:
AND ONE PERSON SAID LOOKING LIKE
BART SIMPSON:
UNFORTUNATELY, SUMMER: FOUR
OUT OF FIVE OF THOSE ANSWERS ARE
EXTREMELY COMMON:
WITH THE RISE OF SOCIAL MEDIA:
ATTACKING OTHERS HAVE NEVER BEEN
EASIER:
THE MOST COMMON FORM, OF COURSE:
BEING SIMPLE NAME CALLING:
I CAN RELATE:
PEOPLE CALLED ME "NERD" BEFORE I
GOT PRETTY:
STUDENTS ‐‐ SAFE SPACE:
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE NAMES THAT
YOU OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU HAVE
BEEN CALLED?
UM, WHITE TRASH:
CUCK:
BART SIMPSON:
BITCH:
REAL LIFE BART SIMPSON:
IT'S NOT A NAME: BUT PEOPLE
LIKE TO SAY "GO BACK TO YOUR OWN
COUNTRY:"
YEAH, OR LIKE: "GO BACK TO
SPRINGFIELD:"
IT'S IGNORANT:
THAT MIGHT JUST BE YOU, DUDE:
HEY, DO YOU GUYS FEEL LIKE
TRYING ISN'T COOL?
LIKE: IF YOU PUT AN EFFORT INTO
SOMETHING PEOPLE ARE SO READY TO
MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR IT?
YEAH:
YOU GUYS EVER, LIKE: SAY
SOMETHING FUNNY IN A GROUP
SETTING AND THEN PEOPLE LAUGH:
BUT THEN YOU HEAR "HA‐HA" AND
YOU'RE LIKE: "IS THAT JUST HOW
SOMEONE LAUGHS OR DID THEY JUST
DO A NELSON FROM 'THE SIMPSONS'
LAUGH TO MESS WITH ME?"
AGAIN MAN THAT MIGHT JUST BE YOU:
YEAH:
GOD, I LOVE HOW WOKE IT IS IN
HERE RIGHT NOW: BUT IT'S NOT
JUST US HAVING THIS DISCUSSION:
EVERYONE STREAMING THIS CAN
TWEET THEIR QUESTIONS AND
COMMENTS WITH THE HASHTAG
#GOOGLETALK2018TOPICBULLYING:
SORRY IT'S SO LONG:
THAT'S MY BAD.
LET'S THROW IT OVER TO BEN AT
THE TWEET DECK:
THANKS, SUMMER:
IT'S BEEN PRETTY BUSY OVER HERE
AT MY STANDING DESK:
WE'VE GOT LOTS OF TWEETS COMING IN:
THIS TWEET HAS OVER 250 LIKES:
SO I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH:
BUT IT'S COOL THAT OUR WOKE
DISCUSSION RESONATES WITH THE
LATIN COMMUNITY:
YEAH: LET'S JUST HOPE THE
PRESIDENT DOESN'T TWEET ANYTHING
AT US.
[NELSON LAUGH] HA‐HA.
WELL, PROFESSOR: WE HAD OUR
AUDIENCE WRITE DOWN SOME
QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
THESE ARE ALL ANONYMOUS: OF
COURSE:
THE FIRST QUESTION IS: IF YOU
NOTICE SOMEONE LAUGHING AT
SOMEONE: WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
OKAY, THAT'S EASY:
TELL THEM TO STOP IN AN
ASSERTIVE, YET NONVIOLENT WAY:
EXCUSE ME: MA'AM, PLEASE
STOP:
[LAUGHING]
I CAN'T, HE GO THE RED SHIRT
ON!
I GOTTA GO OUTSIDE!
OH, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT BART:
OOPS: I'M SO SORRY I CALLED
YOU BART:
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
UH, BURT SAMPSON:
YOUR NAME IS BURT SAMPSON?
I'M SORRY:
HEY, DON'T HAVE A COW: MAN.
ALRIGHT GUYS: LET'S CHECK IN
WITH BEN AT THE TWEET DECK:
HEY SUMMER: COOL NEWS
OVER HERE AT MY CHAIRLESS WORK AREA:
WE HAVE A CALLER ON OUR
GOOGLE TALK LINE WHO HAS A
QUESTION FOR PROFESSOR CHAPMAN:
ALRIGHT CALLER YOUR ON WITH
PROFESSOR CHAPMAN:
WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION: MAGGIE?
[PACIFIER SUCKING]
MAGGIE: YOU THERE?
I GET IT, THAT'S FUNNY:
WE NEED TO SHOW YOU A SERIES
OF 25 SECOND ADS:
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE WOKE
DISCUSSION AFTER THIS:
♪ LET'S GOOGLE TALK ABOUT SEX
BABY ♪
SORRY THAT WAS DUMB:
AND NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAY
"WHAT EVEN MATTERS ANY MORE?"
WITH YOUR HOST, VERONICA ELDER:
HEY FOLKS: WELCOME TO "WHAT
EVEN MATTERS ANY MORE?"
THE SHOW WHERE I TELL YOU
SOMETHING OUR PRESIDENT DID OR
SAID: AND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME
DOES IT EVEN MATTER ANYMORE?
FIRST: LET'S MEET OUR
CONTESTANTS:
HEY.
HI.
GREAT, FIRST QUESTION: THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
REFERS TO AFRICAN COUNTRIES AS
POO‐POO HOLES: AND SAYS ALL
HAITIANS ALL HAVE AIDS:
DOES IT EVEN MATTER ANYMORE?
[ BUZZER ]
THAT'S REALLY BAD, YEAH: SO
THAT HAS TO MATTER:
[ BUZZER ]
ACTUALLY, IT DOES NOT MATTER:
ZERO CONSEQUENCES AND EVERYONE
JUST MOVES ON:
NEXT: THE PRESIDENT HAS AN
EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR WITH A PORN
STAR RIGHT AFTER HIS WIFE GIVES
BIRTH TO HIS SON:
THEN HE PAYS THE PORN STAR TO
SHUT UP:
DOES IT EVEN MATTER TO SAVE HIS
EVANGELICAL BASE?
[ BUZZER ]
TO EVANGELICALS: OF COURSE IT
MATTERS: IT'S AGAINST EVERYTHING
THEY STAND FOR:
[ BUZZER ]
YOU'D THINK SO, BUT NO:
THEY JUST SAY HE'S REPENTED AND
THEY FORGIVE HIM AND MIKE PENCE
IS LIKE, "THAT'S MY DUDE:"
NEXT: THE PRESIDENT FIRES
ROBERT MUELLER: THE VERY MAN
INVESTIGATING HIM FOR TREASON:
DOES IT EVEN MATTER?
HE HASN'T DONE THAT YET:
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW: HE'S
GONNA:
SO WHEN HE DOES: WILL IT EVEN
MATTER?
I'M GOING TO SAY YES: THAT
WOULD MATTER:
THAT'S A CLEAR LINE THAT HE'D BE
CROSSING:
[ BUZZER ]
OH, SO CLOSE:
YOU WERE RIGHT THAT IT WOULD
CROSS THE LINE: BUT YOU WERE
WRONG TO THINK IT WOULD MATTER
IN THE LEAST:
REPUBLICANS WOULD JUST SHRUG AND
MUMBLE SOMETHING ABOUT HILLARY'S
EMAILS:
YEAH: BUT THEY HAVE A
CONSCIOUS:
JUDGES: DO THEY HAVE A
CONSCIOUS?
[ BUZZER ]
SORRY: WE CHECKED AND THEY
DON'T.
I'M SORRY: IS THIS STILL PART
OF THE GAME?
IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER
ANYMORE:
ARE THERE LIKE POINTS?
NEXT QUESTION!
THE PRESIDENT BUILDS A WALL: BUT
HIRES ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO
BUILD IT AND HE ACCIDENTALLY
PUTS AN UNLOCKED DOOR EVERY TEN
FEET:
WOULD THAT MATTER?
OKAY: I'M SENSING A PATTERN
HERE SO I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT
WOULDN'T MATTER:
[ RINGING ]
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT:
GREG:
IT'S BERNARD:
YOU'D THINK TRUMP SUPPORTERS
WOULD GET MAD: BUT THEN TRUMP
BLURTS OUT, "CHUCK SCHUMER DID IT:"
AND EVERYONE BELIEVES HIM:
THEY JUST BELIEVE HIM:
OKAY, WELL: YOU KNOW THAT'S
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN: RIGHT?
DOES IT EVEN MATTER ANYMORE?
FAKE NEWS!
ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M GREAT!
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS:
WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE DOWN
WHAT YOU THINK WOULD MATTER:
WHAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK WOULD
LEAD TO ANY KIND OF
CONSEQUENCES:
10 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK:
AND WHILE YOU'RE WRITING: I'M
JUST GOING TO DRINK:
ALL RIGHT: WHAT DO YOU GOT?
I WROTE: "TRUMP PUNCHES
POPE:"
I THINK THAT WOULD BE LIKE
REALLY BAD:
YOU'D THINK SO: BUT A LOT OF
PEOPLE STILL HATE CATHOLICS:
NEXT:
OKAY: I WROTE CANCELS
OLYMPICS BECAUSE FLAGS ARE
"GAY."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HIS APPROVAL RATINGS WOULD JUMP
FIVE POINTS:
NEXT:
I WROTE: "SEX TAPE WITH
DON JR:"
I MEAN: THAT WOULD LIKE CHECK A
LOT OF BOXES:
YOU'D THINK SO: BUT FOX NEWS
WOULD JUST REPORT THAT HE'S A
FAMILY MAN BECAUSE TRULY NOTHING
MATTERS:
NONE OF IT MATTERS:
JESSICA:
IT'S VERONICA ‐‐
VERONICA ELDERS:
JESSICA: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
THIS:
YEAH, JESSICA: WE KNOW YOU'RE
UPSET ABOUT THE WAY OUR COUNTRY
IS GOING: BUT YOU CAN'T JUST
LIKE BUILD A WHOLE GAME SHOW SET
AND MAKE US PRETEND TO BE
CONTESTANTS:
EVEN THOUGH SOME OF US RELISH
THE OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME
BERNARD:
I'M SORRY GUYS: IT JUST SEEMS
LIKE NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE:
YEAH, YEAH: WE GOT THAT FROM
THE NAME OF THE SHOW AND HOW YOU
KEPT SAYING IT OVER AND OVER:
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY:
JESSICA:
COME ON, YEAH: THERE'S ANOTHER
ELECTION IN 2018 AND DEMOCRATS
HAVE A REAL CHANCE OF TAKING
BACK ‐‐
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT:
DOESN'T MATTER:
HOW DOES IT NOT MATTER?
WELL HEY: I MEAN AT LEAST THE
STOCK MARKET IS UP:
OUT!
KENAN YOU GO NOW!
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT: KENAN
WILL LEAVE, BUT BERNARD WILL STAY:
WELL: THANKS FOR WATCHING AND
AS ALWAYS: THE HOST OF TONIGHT'S
SHOW GETS A HUG BECAUSE SHE
REALLY NEEDS:
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HUG YOU
NOW?
YES.
YEAH?
OKAY:
THANKS FOR WATCHING "WHAT
EVEN MATTERS ANYMORE?"
CONTESTANTS ON THE SHOW STAY
AT ‐‐ TRUMP TOWER: THAT'S NOT
GOOD:
AND TONIGHT'S EPISODE IS
SPONSORED BY ‐‐
LITTLE BALL:
WHEN YOU CAN'T TAKE THE NEWS
ANYMORE: JUST CRAWL UP INTO A
LITTLE BALL AND ROCK YOURSELF TO
SLEEP:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
TROYE SIVAN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ SHINE ON: DIAMOND
DON'T MAKE ME
WAIT ANOTHER DAY
'CAUSE PASSION IS PASSION ♪
♪ YOU KNOW IT JUST
AS WELL AS ME
LET'S STOP RUNNING FROM US
RUNNING FROM US ♪
♪ LET'S STOP: MY BABY
LET'S STOP RUNNING FROM US
RUNNING FROM US
LET'S STOP: MY BABY ♪
♪ OH MY, MY, MY
I DIE EVERY NIGHT WITH YOU
OH MY, MY, MY
LIVING FOR YOUR EVERY MOVE ♪
♪ SPARK UP: BUZZ CUT
I GOT MY TONGUE
BETWEEN YOUR TEETH
GO SLOW: NO, NO ♪
♪ GO FAST
YOU LIKE IT JUST
AS MUCH AS ME
NOW, LET'S STOP ♪
♪ RUNNING FROM LOVE
RUNNING FROM LOVE
LET'S STOP: MY BABY
LET'S STOP RUNNING FROM US ♪
♪ RUNNING FROM US
LET'S STOP: MY BABY
OH MY, MY, MY
I DIE EVERY NIGHT WITH YOU ♪
♪ OH MY, MY, MY
LIVING FOR YOUR EVERY MOVE
OH MY, MY, MY
I DIE EVERY NIGHT WITH YOU ♪
♪ OH MY, MY, MY
LIVING FOR YOUR EVERY MOVE
OH MY, MY, MY
SHOULD BE THE ♪
♪ LAST NIGHT EVER
SHOULD BE THE LAST
NIGHT WE'RE APART
GOT MY NAME ♪
♪ ON THIS TREASURE
ON THIS TREASURE
OH MY, MY, MY
I DIE EVERY ♪
♪ NIGHT WITH YOU
I DIE, I DIE, I DIE
I DIE, YEAH: YEAH
OH MY, MY, MY ♪
♪ LIVING FOR YOUR EVERY MOVE
LIVING FOR, LIVING FOR: YEAH
OH MY, MY, MY
I DIE EVERY NIGHT WITH YOU ♪
♪ OH MY, MY, MY
LIVING FOR YOUR EVERY MOVE
YOUR EVERY MOVE
OH MY, MY, MY ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE:
THANK YOU:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE:
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE:"
I'M MICHAEL CHE:
I'M COLIN JOST:
CONGRATULATIONS TO
DONALD TRUMP WHO MANAGED TO KEEP
OUR GOVERNMENT OPEN FOR ALMOST
ONE WHOLE YEAR:
THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN AT
MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT OVER
DISAGREEMENTS REGARDING
IMMIGRATION:
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BLAMED
MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER
FOR THE SHUTDOWN BECAUSE TRUMP
NEVER PASSES UP AN OPPORTUNITY
TO BLAME A MINORITY:
ALSO WHY ARE YOU SHUTTING DOWN OUR
GOVERNMENT EVEN AN OPTION?
LIKE: AMERICA'S BEEN AROUND FOR
240 YEARS:
MAYBE IT'S TIME WE BUY OUR
GOVERNMENT INSTEAD OF JUST
LEASING IT MONTH TO MONTH:
I MEAN, THIS IS PEOPLE'S LIVES:
NOT A KIA SORENTO:
EVEN PRODUCTION ON "HOUSE OF
CARDS" DIDN'T SHUT DOWN AFTER
THE MAIN GUY TURNED OUT TO BE A
FULL PREDATOR:
IF A FAKE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP
GOING, SO CAN WE:
ALSO, IN THAT FAKE GOVERNMENT:
THEY GOT RID OF THE SEXUAL
PREDATOR PRESIDENT: AND GOT A
FEMALE PRESIDENT INSTEAD:
SO JUST SOMETHING TO THINK
ABOUT:
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
SO, IF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTS
DOWN: DO WE STILL HAVE TO PAY
TAXES FOR THE WHOLE YEAR?
DO WE GET PRO‐RATED OR SOMETHING?
WHEN CABLE SHUTDOWN: COMCAST GAVE
ME FREE HBO FOR A MONTH:
I FEEL LIKE THEY OWE US AN EAGLE
OR APPLE PIE OR SOMETHING:
> THIS WEEK I WAS FINALLY ABLE
TO GOOGLE STORMY DANIELS ON MY
WORK COMPUTER:
IN AN INTERVIEW FROM 2011: PORN
STAR STORMY DANIELS SAID THAT
WHILE SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH DONALD TRUMP: HE TOLD HER
SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SMART JUST
LIKE HIS DAUGHTER:
WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE GROSSEST
THING A MAN HAS EVER SAID TO
STORMY DANIELS:
ALTHOUGH: I JUST LOVE WATCHING
MIKE PENCE DURING ALL OF THIS:
HE'S A BUTTON DOWN: CONSERVATIVE
CHRISTIAN:
NOW HE'S GOTTA GO RIDE ARE DIE WITH CALIGULA:
AT THIS POINT: PENCE WILL
PROBABLY BE MORE COMFORTABLE AS
A JUDGE ON "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE:"
YOU KNOW THE WORST PART OF THAT
STORMY DANIELS STORY
IS THAT IT WAS SO LAME:
AND OLD RICH WHITE DUDE
CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH A PORN STAR:
CLUTCH MY PEARLS:
I THOUGHT WE WOULD AT LEAST GET
FREAKY DETAILS OUT OF IT: DONALD
TRUMP GRABS WOMEN BY THE VAGINA
AS HIS OPENER: SO HIS SEX MUST
BE INSANE: RIGHT?
BUT THE CRAZIEST THING THAT WE GOT
WAS THAT HE WAS SPANKED BY A MAGAZINE:
AND HE IS AFRAID OF SHARKS:
OF COURSE HE IS: HE HAS THE BODY
OF A SEAL:
> ON TUESDAY THE WHITE HOUSE
DOCTOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE
WHERE HE READ THE RESULTS OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHYSICAL:
AND WE HAVE SOME OF THE RESULTS
RIGHT HERE:
EKG, NORMAL:
BLOOD PRESSURE, NORMAL:
URINE, LOVES IT:
THE DOCTOR SAID THAT PRESIDENT
TRUMP TOOK A COGNITIVE
ASSESSMENT TEST AND DID
EXCEEDINGLY WELL:
BUT IT WASN'T LIKE AN IQ TEST: IT
WAS MORE LIKE ARE YOU OKAY?
ONE OF THE QUESTIONS WAS LITERALLY
DRAW A CLOCK:
THE LAST PERSON TO FAIL THIS
TEST WAS LINCOLN AFTER THE PLAY:
I FOR ONE AM HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS A NORMAL
FUNCTIONING BRAIN:
BECAUSE IT WOULD SUCK TO FIND
OUT THAT ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN
MAKING FUN OF A MENTALLY
CHALLENGED DUDE:
IF HE WOULD HAVE FAILED THAT
MENTAL EXAM: IT WOULD HAVE
CHANGED EVERYTHING:
PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES
WOULD BE LIKE: "HEY, YOU'RE FROM
AMERICA: WHERE THEY ELECTED THAT
CRAZY GUY:
THAT'S AWESOME:"
HUNDREDS OF MARCHES TOOK PLACE
AROUND THE WORLD TODAY
TO PROTEST PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
FIRST YEAR: SINGLE HANDEDLY
SAVING THE PINK YARN INDUSTRY:
YOU KNOW: I SUPPORT THE WOMEN'S
MARCH: BUT THOSE HATS ARE QUITE
HILARIOUS:
IF MARTIN LUTHER KING GAVE HIS
SPEECH IN A BLACK PENIS HAT:
HE'D PROBABLY STILL BY ALIVE
TODAY:
THE FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE
TYPICALLY AGES A PRESIDENT: BUT
HERE IS TRUMP A YEAR AGO: AND
HERE IS TRUMP NOW:
NOT THAT BIG OF A DIFFERENCE:
NOW, LET'S SEE HOW IT'S AFFECTED
THE NEWS ANCHORS WHO HAVE TO
REPORT ON TRUMP:
HERE IS ANDERSON COOPER A YEAR
AGO, HERE IS ANDERSON NOW:
THIS ALSO MARKED THE YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF REPUBLICANS
CONTROLLING ALL THREE BRANCHES
OF GOVERNMENT: SO LET'S TAKE A
LOOK BACK AT WHAT THEY'VE
MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH:
♪♪
ZIP.
TRULY INSPIRING:
YESTERDAY "INTOUCH WEEKLY"
A 5000 WORD INTERVIEW
OF PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS
ABOUT AN AFFAIR SHE ALLEGEDLY HAD
WITH DONALD TRUMP IN 2006:
HERE TO COMMENT IS
STORMY DANIELS:
HEY.
LAISSEZ LES BONTEMPS ROULEZ:
COLIN:
HI THERE, STORMY: HOW ARE
YOU?
I'M WAY FINE, IT'S WHATEVER:
THAT'S GREAT: NOW YOU'RE
KIND OF AN UNLIKELY ALLY
FOR CRITICS OF DONALD TRUMP NOW:
I KNOW: IT'S CRAZY RIGHT?
I'M ALL OVER "HUFFINGTON POST" AND
"DAILY BEAST:"
I'M LIKE, A LIBERAL HERO:
EVEN THOUGH I'M A REPUBLICAN PORNSTAR
WHO LOVES SARAH PALIN
RIGHT?
THINGS ARE SO BAD RIGHT
NOW, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY
WOMEN DESPERATELY TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE EMPOWERED
BY ME.
AND THE BEST THEY CAN SAY IS
THAT I'M A FEMALE DIRECTOR:
YOU ALSO DIRECT PORN?
YEAH, COLIN:
BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR INDUSTRY: WE
ACTUALLY HAVE FEMALE DIRECTORS:
OOH, IMAGINE THAT:
OKAY, OKAY:
I GET THAT I'M NOT WHAT THESE
PEOPLE ENVISIONED THEIR HERO
WOULD LOOK LIKE, BUT GUESS WHAT:
AMERICA?
I'M THE HERO YOU DESERVE RIGHT
NOW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
OKAY, OKAY:
TAKE FOR INSTANCE THE STEELE
DOSSIER: RIGHT?
OKAY: WHEN THAT INFORMATION
ABOUT RUSSIA WAS IMPORTANT
ENOUGH SOMEBODY WOUND UP DEAD:
BUT ALL ANYBODY WANTED TO TALK
ABOUT WAS THE RUSSIAN HOOKERS:
THAT'S WHY YOU GET ME:
YOU GET A STORMY:
OKAY?
WHEN I WAS HANGING OUT LATE AT NIGHT
WITH DONALD TRUMP AND
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: AND THE ONE
I TRUSTED TO GET ME HOME SAFE
WAS BEN ROETHLISBERGER:
AND THEN YOU GUYS WENT AND MADE
THE OTHER GUY PRESIDENT?
SO YOU GET A STORMY:
AND LADIES: WHEN IT'S THE ONE
YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE WOMEN'S
MARCH: AND Y'ALL ARE ARGUING
ABOUT WHO GETS TO SAY "ME, TOO"
AND WHO DOESN'T?
WELL, YOU GET A STORMY:
AND MY HASHTAG ISN'T #TIMESUP:
IT'S #ASSUP:
OKAY:
OKAY: SO YOU JUST WANT TO TEACH
PEOPLE A LESSON NOW?
NO, NO, I JUST AM THE LESSON:
OKAY?
I JUST WANTED TO BE ON
"CELEBRITY APPRENTICE:"
BUT THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN:
AND I'M MAKING PEACE WITH THAT:
AND AMERICA: YOU NEED TO ACCEPT
YOUR REALITY: TOO.
YOU WISH YOU WERE LIVING IN
1920s PARIS WITH BARACK OBAMA:
BUT YOU'RE IN 1990s ORLANDO WITH
TRUMPY AND STORMY:
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET:
YOU GET A STORMY: YOU GET A
STORMY:
I'M LIKE OPRAH: SHOULD I RUN FOR
PRESIDENT?
I WOULD WIN:
> PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED THAT
BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT IS THE LOWEST
EVER RECORDED:
HMM, I DON'T KNOW MAN:
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT BEFORE THE CIVIL WAR
BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT WAS AT ZERO:
POLICE IN WASHINGTON--
YOU KNOW, THE COTTON:
POLICE IN WASHINGTON SAY
THAT THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND
THE OWNER OF A URN
FULL OF A REMAINS THAT WAS DONATED
TO A GOOD WILL LOCATION:
UM, WHAT'D THAT URN LOOK LIKE?
SAID AN EMPLOYEE WHO JUST
MADE COFFEE:
THIS WEEK MARKS CHRIS
CHRISTIE'S LAST WEEK AS GOVERNOR
OF NEW JERSEY:
AND TO HONOR HIM--
[CHEERS]
TO HONOR CHRISTIE: PANTS WERE WORN AT FULL MAST:
> SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A
RARE SHARK THAT CAN EXTEND IT'S JAWS
BEYOND IT'S MOUTH
TO SWALLOW LARGE FISH
IN ONE BITE:
OFFICIALS SAY THE SHARK
IS CLEANING UP ON GRINDR:
> PRESIDENT TRUMP RECENTLY
CANCELED A TRIP TO LONDON
WITH MANY SAYING THAT
THE ROYAL FAMILIES
RELATIONSHIP WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA
PLAYED A FACTOR:
HERE WITH AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM BUCKINGHAM PALACE
ARE PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCE HARRY:
WHAT'S GOING ON: MICHAEL?
GOOD EVENING:
IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU: AND
THANK YOU FOR COMING ALL THE WAY
FROM LONDON:
MICHAEL: WE'D LIKE TO FIRST
APOLOGIZE:
UNFORTUNATELY WILLIAM'S HAIR WAS
UNABLE TO MAKE IT THIS EVENING:
HILARIOUS:
A BALD JOKE:
WELL, BUZZ THE SIDES: ROCKING
THE BRUCE WILLIS LOOK BROKE THE
INTERNET:
BRUCE WILLIS SHAVES IT ALL:
MATE:
YOU'RE A BRITISH LARRY DAVID:
IT'S NOT GOOD, SHAVE IT:
SPEAKING OF HAIR: HOW WAS THE
QUIDDITCH MATCH: RON BEASLEY?
RON BEASLEY?
WHO'S RON BEASLEY?
HE'S THE REDHEAD ONE:
IT'S RON WEASLEY, MATE:
OH, WHO CARES?
NOBODY KNOWS:
EVERYBODY KNOWS!
OKAY, OKAY:
HARRY POTTER MAKES UP LIKE:
HALF OF ENGLAND'S ECONOMY:
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
OKAY, ALL RIGHT:
JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE HAIR:
WHAT HAIR?
I'M SORRY:
I'M SORRY, I MADE HIM MAD:
MATE, I'M SORRY:
I LOVE YOU:
I LOVE YOU MORE:
YEAH, ALRIGHT, WINDSOR BOYS:
WINDSOR BOYS
BING IT IN:
BANGERS, MASH, HELLO:
THAT'S OUR COOL SECRET
HANDSHAKE:
OH, YEAH, I SAW IT:
IT'S VERY COOL:
BEFORE YOU GIVE YOUR STATEMENT:
I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN
FOR COMING TO THE SHOW:
OF COURSE, MICHAEL:
WE LOVE AMERICAN TELLY:
MY BROTHER'S FIANCEE
MEGHAN MARKLE IS ON AN AMERICAN
PROGRAM CALLED "SUITS:"
WOO!
WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 PM, USA
NETWORK:
CHECK IT OUT, SHE'S AMAZING IN IT:
RIGHT: THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THAT SHOW AND THIS
IS PEOPLE WATCH THIS ONE:
OH, HILARIOUS:
RIGHT?
WHAT IS IT YOU'RE ALWAYS
WATCHING?
KATE'S HANDBAG:
HE GOES SHOPPING WITH KATE FOUR
TIMES A WEEK:
SHE LIKES HATS:
KATE IS MY WIFE:
I KNOW WHO KATE MIDDLETON IS:
SHE'S A WONDERFUL WOMAN: A
GREAT MUM:
YEAH:
WHENEVER THE KIDS ARE BEING A
BIT FUSSY AND NOT GOING TO BED:
SHE PUTS ON AN EPISODE OF
"SUITS" AND THEY'RE OUT.
HELLO!
WHAT ARE DOING! STOP IT:
DID YOU GIVE HIM A WET
WILLY?
YES, IN ENGLAND: IT'S A MOIST
MATTHEW:
ALL RIGHT: I FEEL LIKE I
SHOULD REMIND EVERYONE WHY
YOU'RE HERE: WHICH IS TO ADDRESS
THE RUMORS PRESIDENT TRUMP
CANCELLED HIS UK TRIP BECAUSE OF
YOUR FAMILY'S RELATIONSHIP WITH
THE OBAMAS:
RIGHT‐O.
OKAY:
AHEM:
THE BUCKINGHAM PALACE DOES NOT
COMMENT ON POLITICAL MATTERS:
THANK YOU AND GOODBYE:
SAID THE REMAINDER OF HIS HAIR:
PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCE
HARRY, EVERYBODY:
> SPEAKING OF WHICH: THE
BRITISH GOVERNMENT HAS APPOINTED A
MINISTER OF LONELINESS TO DEAL
WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS STEMMING
FROM SOCIAL ISOLATION:
THIS REPLACES THE CURRENT BRITISH
MINISTER OF LONELINESS: SAM
SMITH:
COINCIDENTALLY MINISTER OF
LONELINESS WAS ALSO MY NICKNAME
IN MIDDLE SCHOOL:
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A
LESBIAN IN MIDDLE SCHOOL:
> A PENNSYLVANIA MAN WAS
ARRESTED FOR WALKING HIS DOG
WITHOUT WEARING ANY PANTS:
EVEN WORSE HE WAS WALKING HIM TO
GET MORE PEANUT BUTTER:
> THIS WEEK SPECIAL COUNCIL
ROBERT MUELLER MAY HAVE REACHED
A DEAL WITH STEVE BANNON IN
EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY IN
THE RUSSIAN INVESTIGATION:
HERE TO COMMENT IS ROBERT
MUELLER:
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
I'M ROBERT MUELLER:
I KNOW:
THANK YOU, YOU LOOK GREAT:
THANKS FOR BEING HERE:
THANK YOU SO MUCH:
IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE:
I WANTED TO COME OUT TO
ENSURE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT
OUR INVESTIGATION IS PROGRESSING
SMOOTHLY AND WE'RE LOOKING
FORWARD TO A TIMELY AND ORDERLY
CONCLUSION:
THAT'S GREAT:
CAN YOU GIVE US ANY SENSE OF WHERE
IT'S HEADING?
YOU KNOW: I OBVIOUSLY CAN'T
DISCUSS PARTICULARS OF AN
ONGOING INVESTIGATION: BUT ‐‐
YEAH, WE'RE GOOD:
REALLY?
UH‐HUH.
YEAH:
I MEAN ‐‐ NO, NO.
JUST WAIT: YOU'LL SEE.
BUT EVEN WITH LIKE ALL OF THE
TRUMP AND ‐‐
YEAH YEAH YEAH, WE'RE GOOD:
THE SITUATION IS UNDER CONTROL:
COLIN, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER: I
HAVE ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF--
YOU KNOW WHAT:
I WANT TO TELL YOU SO BAD:
I CAN'T.
I'M NOT GONNA:
IT'S GONNA BE FUN:
SO WAIT, HOLD ON: I TAKE IT
YOU HAVE HARD EVIDENCE?
COLIN, I CANNOT COMMENT: BUT
YEAH:
BIG TIME:
YOU JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE
SHOW, BROTHER:
I JUST ‐‐ CAN I TELL THEM
WHAT ‐‐ I WANT TO TELL THEM ONE
THING:
OH, NO, I SHOULDN'T, I
SHOULDN'T.
DON JR: HE LITERALLY WROTE IN
HIS VENMO DESCRIPTION ‐‐
RUSSIA ‐‐ OH, MAN, I CAN'T.
IT HURTS, BOBBY BOBBY DON'T DO THIS:
OKAY WELL: WHAT HAPPENS
IF TRUMP FIRES YOU?
HE COULD: THAT'S A REAL POSSIBILITY:
IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT:
CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG:
AND THE BAG IS FULL OF:
HOW DO I SAY THIS?
FLYNN'S WIRETAPS:
YOU PUT A WIRE ON FLYNN?
I CANNOT CONFIRM OR DENY: BUT
IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME TO BANG
THE DESK IF I DID:
OKAY WELL BAND THE DESK--
BUT IS IT BAD?
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE TREASON BAD?
WOW.
IT'S NUTS:
COLIN YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE
GUY DIDN'T LEAVE ME A TRAIL OF
BREAD CRUMBS: HE LEFT ME FULL
LOAVES:
FRESH SEVEN‐GRAIN LOAVES FROM
PANERA BREAD:
I'M HAVING A BLAST:
CAN YOU GIVE US A SENSE OF
HOW IT ENDS?
YES, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY:
YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE THE
SHOW "LOST:" BUT IT NEVER REALLY CAME TOGETHER:
BUT THERE WAS NO SATISFYING ENDING:
THIS IS AIN'T LOST
ROBERT MUELLER EVERYBODY:
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN JOST:
I'M MICHAEL CHE: GOOD NIGHT!
> ALEXA: ARE WE READY FOR THE
PRESENTATIONS?
YES, SIR, WE'RE DOWN TO 20
CITIES FOR OUR NEW AMAZON HEADQUARTERS:
GREAT: THE WINNING CITY
WOULD GET 50:000 NEW JOBS
AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS:
ALEXA, ISN'T THIS EXCITING:
YES, IT IS EXCITING:
AND JUST TO MAKE SURE: WHO IS
THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD?
THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD
IS JEFF BEZUS:
OKAY, CLOSE ENOUGH: LET'S
BEGIN:
I'M SENDING IN THE DELEGATION
FROM BOSTON:
HEY THERE:
HOW YOU DOING: CHIEF?
THANK YOU FOR HAVING US HERE:
MR. BEZOS:
MY NAME IS JEANINE FLANNIGAN:
AND I'M TOMMY GALECKI:
AND WE'RE FROM BOSTON'S
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE:
WE'D LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH A
POUND OF DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE:
DARK ROAST:
YEAH, THE GOOD STUFF:
AND TWO TICKETS TO HISTORIC
FENWAY PARK:
UPPER LEVEL:
I MEAN WE'RE NOT MILLIONAIRES:
LOOK, MR. BEZOS: BOSTON IS
THE BEST:
THE BEST!
OKAY: KID?
DON'T TAKE IT FROM US:
TAKE IF FROM OSCAR WINNING
ACTOR, MR. CASEY AFFLECK:
HEY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
CASEY WAS SO EXCITED WHEN HE
HEARD BOSTON WAS AN AMAZON
HEADQUARTERS FINALIST:
YEAH:
THIS IS GREAT, I GUESS:
I DON'T KNOW:
CASEY:
YOU GREW UP IN BOSTON:
WOULDN'T AMAZON LOVE IT THERE?
OH YEAH:
I DON'T KNOW:
I LIVE IN LA NOW:
MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR OFFICE THERE?
MY GOD CASEY BRO?
YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US?
OKAY OKAY, LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE:
THAT YOU SO MUCH MR. BEZOS:
YOU GONE HOLLYWOOD BRO?
I LIKE THEM:
THEY'RE PASSIONATE:
WHO'S NEXT?
SENDING IN THE DELEGATION FROM
ATLANTA!
HEY.
WHAT'S GOOD: PARTNER?
Y'ALL NEED TO COME DOWN TO THE "A"
FEEL ME?
LET'S DO THE DAMN THING!
MY NAME'S
REVEREND JEREMIAH GREEN:
AND I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF THE
MAYOR'S OFFICE:
AND I'M CAMILLE LOWE FROM
ATLANTA'S OFFICE OF BUSINESS
DEVELOPMENT:
AND I'M CHEF PAULA DEAN:
Y'ALL!
AND I'M GONNA BE CAREFUL WHAT I SAY:
LOOK HERE: MAN.
ATLANTA'S MADE FOR BUSINESS:
OKAY?
OUR AIRPORT IS ONLY 20 MINUTES
AWAY FROM DOWNTOWN:
TWO HOURS, WITH TRAFFIC:
WE HAD THE OLYMPICS THERE
BACK IN 1996:
THE ONE WITH THE BOMB:
AND YOU KNOW ATLANTA HAS
THESE WONDERFUL PLACES WHERE
PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE
COME TOGETHER:
IT'S CALLED THE WAFFLE HOUSE:
YEAH WE READY:
SO TODAY: WE PRESENT YOU SOME
SYMBOLS OF OUR CITY: A CAN OF
COCA‐COLA AND A SANDWICH FROM
CHICK FIL‐A.
AND I BROUGHT MY DELICIOUS
SIGNATURE THREE BUTTER PUDDING:
Y'ALL!
IT'S THE DISH THE AMERICAN HEART
ASSOCIATION RATED "DON'T!"
AND TO SHOW YOU MAN HOW MUCH
WE LOVE AMAZON: WE GIVING YOU AN
ATLANTA T‐ SHIRT DELIVERED BY AN
AMAZON DRONE:
I DON'T TRUST THAT THING:
HELL NO:
THAT'S THE POLICE:
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!
WE'LL BE IN TOUCH:
OKAY: WHO'S NEXT?
SEND IN THE DELEGATION FROM
NEWARK:
HELLO: MR. BEZOS!
MY NAME IS CORY BOOKER: AND I
COULD NOT BE MORE PROUD OF
NEWARK:
AFTER CITY ON THE RISE:
I KNOW THAT WE'RE NOT GETTING
THIS AT ALL: AND THAT GIVES ME
TEARS OF RAGE:
THIS IS A NICE OFFICE!
HAVE A GOOD DAY:
#TEARS OF RAGE!
WHO'S NEXT?
I'M SENDING IN THE DELEGATION FROM MIAMI:
HOLA MR: BEZOS!
WE ARE FROM THE CHAMBER OF
COMMERCE FOR THE CITY OF MIAMI:
A DIVERSE GROUP OF PEOPLE ALL
LIVING IN HARMONY TOGETHER:
CUBANS:
JEWS:
GAYS:
LIZARDS!
BUGS!
BEANS!
COCAINE!
AND FEATURING PITBULL!
UNO, DOS, TRES: QUATRO!
♪ IT IS MIAMI
AND IT IS LOCO
IT IS MIAMI ♪
♪ AND IT IS LOCO ♪
♪
YEAH!
2018!
MIAMI!
THIS IS ALL I DO!
HA, HA!
> TODAY: WE BRING YOU A
PINA COLDA AND A SOUVENIR
OF OUR CITY
PITBULL:
> HE'S ALL YOURS NOW:
I'LL BE IN THE LOBBY:
THIS IS A TOUGH DECISION:
ALEXA: WHO SHOULD I CHOOSE?
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT:
THAT'S OKAY, I LOVE YOU:
> SO YEAH: I MEAN THE HOLIDAYS
WERE FUN:
BUT I'M READY TO BE BACK IN L: A.
AND I'M READY TO KILL IT THIS
NEW YEAR:
WOW, YEAH:
I HAVE SUCH A GOOD FEELING ABOUT
2018.
I'VE ALREADY STARTED READING A
BOOK:
MY RESOLUTION WAS TO EXPAND MY
MIND:
OH MY GOD.
SO WAS MINE:
I'M LIKE A WEEK INTO THIS
BRAINWORK APP I DOWNLOADED:
IT'S JUST LIKE 30 SECONDS A DAY
OF MATH: TEN SECONDS OF A WORD
SEARCH AND 20 SECONDS OF SHAPES:
IT'S LIKE ONE MINUTE A DAY:
AND I'M ALREADY SMARTER:
THAT'S AMAZING:
THOSE APPS ARE REALLY ‐‐ THEY
WORK:
YEAH:
HEY LADIES: HAVE YOU DECIDED
WHAT YOU WANTED?
YES.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A BEAN TOSTADA
AND A CHICKEN TACO:
TACOS ARE BUY ONE GET ONE
FREE:
SO YOU WANT ANOTHER TACO?
IT'S FREE
I MEAN I MIGHT WASTE IT:
BUT OKAY:
I'LL JUST GET ANOTHER CHICKEN
TACO:
OKAY:
AND FOR YOU?
I'LL HAVE A CHEESE ENCHILADA
AND A HARD SHELL BEEF TACO:
YOU GUYS COULD DO THAT TACO
DEAL TOGETHER THEN:
WAIT: WHAT?
SHE COULD HAVE YOUR TACO:
DID YOU WANT A BEEF TACO?
NO, I WANTED CHICKEN:
YEAH:
SHE WOULD BE GETTING YOUR BEEF ONE FOR FREE:
BUT SHE WANTED BEEF:
I ORDERED A HARD SHELL BEEF
TACO:
YEAH: YOU WOULD GET HER FREE
ONE.
WAIT, I'M SO CONFUSED:
ME TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT:
I'LL JUST PUT IT IN:
NO, WAIT:
LET ME JUST THINK:
CAUSE I'M TRYING TO USE MY BRAIN
MORE:
OH, I GET IT:
OKAY:
BUT I'M GETTING TWO CHICKEN: ARE
YOU COOL WITH A CHICKEN TACO?
THAT'S LIKE THE ONE MEAT I
FEEL BAD ABOUT:
I HAD A PET CHICKEN WHEN I WAS
LITTLE:
AND WE WERE REALLY CLOSE:
BUT IF I HAVE TO ‐‐
NO NO NO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO:
YOU CAN STILL GET BEEF:
I'M LIKE SO CONFUSED:
WAIT, I CAN DO THIS:
HOLD ON:
DID YOU WANT BEEF?
USUALLY I WOULD:
BUT I ATE ALL OF THIS RAW
HAMBURGER LAST WEEKEND:
AND I GOT REALLY SICK:
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
I WAS BEING FUNNY:
BUT I HAVE BEEN THROWING UP BEEF
FOR DAYS:
I FEEL BAD:
I CAN GET BEEF:
I MIGHT NOT KEEP IT DOWN:
NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET
BEEF:
YOU CAN STICK WITH YOUR ORIGINAL
CHICKEN:
OH MY GOD.
I NEED MY APP FOR THIS:
THIS IS IT:
OH, CUTE OWL:
YEAH, THAT IS CORNELIUS:
HE BRINGS ME MY HOMEWORK: BUT HE
ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL:
LADIES: YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN ‐‐
EXCUSE ME:
WE GOT THIS:
ALRIGHT:
SO IF THE BLUE SQUARE IS A
CHICKEN TACO: AND THE RED CAR IS
THE BEEF TACO ‐‐
THEN THE FREE TACO WOULD
BE ‐‐
I DON'T KNOW:
OKAY, YOU GUYS:
IT'S EASY:
YOU'RE GETTING HER FREE TACO:
SO IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER ORDERED:
BUT I DID ORDER:
I WAS HERE:
DID YOU NOT WRITE IT DOWN?
HI, I'M SORRY:
I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING:
AND I NEED FOR IT TO STOP:
SO I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND PAY
FOR YOUR FOOD SO ALL OF THE
TACOS ARE FREE:
NO, ONLY ONE OF THEM IS FREE:
THANK YOU:
AND THIS IS ALSO A PRIVATE
CONVERSATION:
OH MY GOD.
YOU KNOW: WE ACTUALLY MIGHT
NEED ANOTHER MINUTE WITH THE
FOOD:
YEAH:
OKAY: THEN CAN I GET YOUR
DRINKS, TWO FOR ONE MARGARITAS:
WE CAN'T DRINK:
WE'RE PERFORMING THIS SURGERY
AFTER THIS:
YEAH, WE'RE SURGEONS:
WHAT?
YOU TWO ARE SURGEONS?
YOU THINK WOMEN CAN'T BE
SURGEONS?
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE:
YEAH:
NO NO NO.
> WELL: I HAVE THE FIRST GOOD
NEWS IN WEEKS:
THE INFECTION STOPPED SPREADING:
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A FULL
RECOVERY:
WE ALMOST LOST YOU CHAD:
OKAY:
I HAVE TO SAY: I AM GOING TO
MISS YOU, CHAD:
OKAY:
AND I'VE ‐‐JUST SAY IT THEN:
I THINK I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE
WITH YOU, CHAD:
OKAY:
YOU MUST HAVE A MILLION
THOUGHTS RACING THROUGH YOUR
MIND:
YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY:
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU: I JUST
WANT TO CLIMB IN THAT BED AND
MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOU:
NICE:
BUT WE CAN'T.
OH, OKAY:
I'M YOUR DOCTOR FOR GOD
SAKES:
OKAY:
BUT I MUST CONFESS: I HAVE
FANTASIZED ABOUT LAYING ON YOUR
CHEST WHILE YOU PLAY WITH MY
HAIR, TALKING ABOUT OUR LIVES:
OUR HOPES: OUR DREAMS ‐‐
I PEED:
I UNDERSTAND IF YOU THINK
THAT MY ARGUMENT LACKS VALIDITY:
HA HA.
TITTY:
IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN:
I WOULD BE FIRED FOR BECOMING
INVOLVED WITH A PATIENT:
IS IT CRAZY I WOULD BE WILLING
TO RISK MY ENTIRE CAREER TO BE
WITH YOU: CHAD?
CHAD?
CHAD: COULD YOU PLEASE COME BACK
HERE FOR A MOMENT?
OH, OKAY:
AS A DOCTOR:
I LISTEN TO HEARTS EVERY DAY:
IT'S TIME I LISTEN TO MY OWN:
IT WANTS YOU, CHAD:
OH GOD, IT'S RACING RIGHT NOW:
YO IS THAT A ZIT OR A HERPE?
I THINK IT IS A LITTLE
INGROWN HAIR:
DOPE:
NOW GET SOME SLEEP: YOUNG
MAN.
AND DREAM ABOUT ME:
DOCTOR'S ORDERS:
OKAY:
AND CHAD ‐‐
[ KNOCKING ]
YOU KNOW: I NEVER ASKED HOW HE
GOT SICK?
OH, HIS FRIEND DARED HIM TO
EAT A DOG TURD:
♪♪
GOD, THAT'S SEXY:
OKAY:
> ONCE AGAIN, TROYE SIVAN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ I GOT THE GOOD
SIDE OF THINGS
LEFT YOU WITH BOTH
OF THE RINGS ♪
♪ MY FINGERS DANCED AND
SWAYED IN THE BREEZE
THE CHANGE IN THE WIND TOOK
YOU DOWN TO YOUR KNEES ♪
♪ I GOT THE GOOD SIDE OF YOU
SEND IT OUT INTO THE BLUE
THE PEOPLE DANCED TO
THE SOUND OF YOUR HEART ♪
♪ THE WORLD SANG ALONG TO
IT FALLING APART
BUT I SYMPATHIZE
AND I RECOGNIZE ♪
♪ AND BABY: I APOLOGIZE
THAT I GOT THE GOOD SIDE
THE GOOD SIDE OF THINGS ♪
♪♪
♪ I GOT THE GOOD
SIDE OF LIFE
TRAVELLED THE UNIVERSE TWICE
SO MANY THOUGHTS ♪
♪ I WANTED TO SHARE
BUT I DIDN'T CALL BECAUSE
IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR
THEN I GOT THE ♪
♪ GOOD SIDE OF NEW
FOUND ARMS TO FALL RIGHT INTO
I KNOW HOW IT LOOKED
IT WASN'T THE PLAN ♪
♪ AND SOME DAY I HOPE
THAT YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
THAT I SYMPATHIZE
AND I RECOGNIZE ♪
♪ AND BABY: I APOLOGIZE
THAT I GOT THE GOOD SIDE
THE GOOD SIDE OF THINGS ♪
♪♪
♪ I'M SURE WE'LL MEET
IN THE SPRING
AND CATCH UP ON EVERYTHING
I'LL SAY I'M PROUD ♪
♪ OF ALL THAT YOU'VE DONE
YOU TAUGHT ME THE ROPES
AND YOU TAUGHT ME TO LOVE
BUT I SYMPATHIZE ♪
♪ AND I RECOGNIZE
AND BABY: I APOLOGIZE
THAT I GOT THE GOOD SIDE
THE GOOD SIDE OF THINGS ♪
♪ SYMPATHIZE: RECOGNIZE
APOLOGIZE
THAT I GOT THE GOOD SIDE
THE GOOD SIDE OF THINGS ♪
♪ SYMPATHIZE: RECOGNIZE
APOLOGIZE
THAT I GOT THE GOOD SIDE
THE GOOD SIDE OF THINGS ♪
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> JUDITH: HERE'S THE RODRIGUEZ
FILE: YOU WANNA TAKE A LOOK?
FIND SOMEBODY ELSE I QUIT:
YOU QUIT? WHY?
BECAUSE I GET PAID LESS THAN ANY MALE
LAWYER HERE:
WE BOTH DO:
YOU'RE KIDDING: HOW MUCH LESS?
THIS MUCH LESS: THEY MIXED MY
CHECK UP:
WHOA:
EXACTLY:
> CUT!
WOW, CYNTHIA, JACKIE:
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW!
AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST TAKE?
WOW!
THANKS:
YOU REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS
GOOD?
SO GOOD:
BUT CAN I JUST TWEAK IT A LITTLE
BIT AS WE SAY IN THE INDUSTRY:
PUT A LITTLE STANK ON IT:
SURE, WE LOVE NOTES:
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I WAS AN
ACTOR: TOO.
SO I SPEAK THE LANGUAGE:
I'M OF COURSE TALKING ABOUT A LITTLE SHOW CALLED "THE JEFFERSON'S."
THAT SITCOM FROM THE 70's?
YES, AND ON THAT SHOW
WE REALLY KNEW HOW TO GET TO THE EMOTIONAL HEART OF A SCENE:
THERE WAS NO QUESTION OF WHAT WE WERE FEELING:
LET'S TRY SOMETHING, CYNTHIA:
WHEN JACKIE TELLS YOU SHE HAS
QUIT: THIS HAS TO ROCK YOUR
WORLD HARDER THAN HUEY LEWIS
AND ALL OF THE NEWS:
LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN:
JACKIE CAN YOU FEED ME THAT LINE PLEASE:
FIND SOMEONE, I QUIT:
YOU QUIT?
WHY?
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE:
CYNTHIA:
IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT:
HOW TO DO IT: LET ME SHOW
YOU, YOU JERK YOUR CHIN INTO
YOUR NECK: AND THEN YOU BITE AN
IMAGINARY HOT DOG INTO FOUR PIECES AND THEN YOU
SAY "YOU QUIT: WHY"?
OKAY LET'S DO THIS!
JUSTICE FOR ANNE SCENE 12 TAKE 2:
> AND ACTION!
JUDITH: HERE IS THE RODRIGUEZ
FILE: YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK?
FIND SOMEONE ELSE, I QUIT:
YOU QUIT?
WHY?
GREAT: CUT!
HOW DID THAT FEEL:
CAREER ENDING:
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE MAN: BUT
I'M NOT SURE YOU HAVE A HANDLE
ON THIS MATERIAL: WHO DID YOU
PLAY IN "THE JEFFERSON'S"?
OH IT WAS THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME:
I PLAYED A TRAMP WHO GOT CAUGHT MAKING
NUMBER TWOS INTO A FRONT LOADING
WASHER AT GEORGES DRY CLEANERS:
IT WAS ONE OF THOSE:
I LEARNED A LESSON EPISODES:
NOW JACKIE, LET'S WORK ON YOUR PART:
> WHEN YOU SAY WE ALL DO:
YOU'RE NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU BEING PAID LESS:
THAT REFERS TO EVERY WOMAN
IN THE WORLD: MAYBE EVEN ON
OTHER PLANETS:
YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LOUD TO LET
THE SOUND WAVES REALLY GET
THERE:
SO, TILT BACK BREATHE DEEP AND
BELLOW "WE ALL DO:"
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
ALSO, CYNTHIA: WHEN YOU SEE THE
CHECK: I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT IT
AT LEAST 40 TIMES BECAUSE IT IS
SUCH A SURPRISE:
LIKE THIS ‐‐ WHOA!
I CAN'T DO THIS:
YOU'LL HAVE TO TRUST ME ON THIS
ONE.
WOULD I SENT YOU OUT THERE
LOOKING LIKE A FOOL?
THE ONLY CREDIT I KNOW YOU
HAVE IS FOR TAKING A DUKE ON A
MAYTAG ON "THE JEFFERSONS" 40
YEARS AGO:
STOP FLIRTING:
SHE STARTED IT: YOU GUYS ARE ALL MY WITNESSES:
OKAY LET'S DO THIS!
JUSTICE FOR ANNE SCENE 12 TAKE 3:
AND ACTION!
JUDITH, HERE IS: THE FILE YOU
WANT TO LOOK?
FIND SOMEONE ELSE I QUIT:
YOU QUIT?
WHY?
BECAUSE I GET PAID LESS THAN
ANY MAN WHO WORKS HERE:
WE ALL DO!
WHOA:
CUT, ALL RIGHT: WE'RE GETTING
THERE:
THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT
COMMERCIAL:
THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL:
IT'S A 120‐PAGE MOVIE:
REALLY: AM I ON THE WRONG
SET, I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR
COTTONELLE:
GET OUT OF HERE PLEASE!
YOU HAVE TO GO:
ALL RIGHT: JUST LET ME USE
THE MAYTAG AND I WILL START
WALKING HOME: DOES ANYONE HAVE
SPARE COTTONELLE?
EW.
♪♪
> THANKS TO TROYE SIVAN:
THANK YOU TO THE CAST:
THANK YOU TO LORNE:
THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BEST
WEEKS OF MY LIFE:
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT: I LOVE YOU
ALL!
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]