OK KIDDLES: GIVE SANTA BACK FROM HIS
LUNCH BREAK:
HE'S BACK FROM UP AT
THE NORTH POLE AKA PANDA
EXPRESS:
THAT'S RIGHT:
AND HE'S READY TO HEAR YOUR
CHRISTMAS WISHES: HO HO HO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU:
MY LITTLE BOY:
ARE YOU READY TO TALK TO SANTA:
ALL RIGHT:
WE'LL GET ON UP HERE YOUNG MAN:
WHAT'S YOUR NAME TYLER:
TYLER:
TYLER WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
SANTA TO BRING YOU THIS YEAR?
COULD I GET A MEGA BLOKS
DINOSAUR:
WELL I THINK THAT CAN BE
ARRANGED AND CAN I GET A LASER
TAG.
WELL I CAN CERTAINLY TRY:
AND CAN YOU TELL:
WHAT DID AL FRANKEN DO?
OK.
WOW.
LET'S SEE.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE THE MEGA
BLOCKS AND THE LASER TAG:
CAN YOU TAKE THE AL FRANKEN
SUGAR PLUM?
NO.
AND IN THIS CLIMATE CAN YOU
JUST CALL ME AMY:
ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY:
WELL TYLER I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
THAT AL FRANKEN IS ON SANTAS
NAUGHTY LIST THIS YEAR:
WHAT ABOUT ROY MOORE: WHICH LIST
IS ON?
IT'S NOT REALLY A LIST IT'S
MORE OF A REGISTRY:
OK YOU KNOW WHAT:
WE SHOULD KEEP THIS LINE MOVING
ALONG OK:
OK WHO'S UP NEXT?
HI SANTA, I'M JESSICA:
MERRY CHRISTMAS JESSICA:
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FROM SANTA?
I WANTED TO FOLLOW UP ON
TYLER'S QUESTION IS PRESIDENT
TRUMP ON THE NAUGHTY LIST?
WELL YOU KNOW SANTA TRIES TO
STAY OUT OF POLITICAL MATTERS
OUR PRESIDENT MAY HAVE SAID OR
DONE A FEW NAUGHTY THINGS:
19 ACCUSERS:
GOOGLE IT:
OK CAN WE JUST NOT AMY:
THANKS:
LOOK JESSICA: I'M SURE WE CAN ALL LEARN A
LESSON FROM WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THE NEWS:
WE SURE CAN:
I LEARNED THAT IF YOU ADMIT YOU
DID SOMETHING WRONG YOU GET IN
TROUBLE:
BUT IF YOU DENY IT THEY LET YOU
KEEP YOUR JOB:
OH OK.
WELL YOU KNOW: CAREFUL THERE JESSICA
OR YOU MIGHT GET SOME COAL IN STOCKING:
FROM WHERE? WE BOTH KNOW COAL IS
A DYING INDUSTRY:
OK THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
MERRY CHRISTMAS:
OK.
HELLO:
HI SANTA:
MY NAME IS BILLY:
I WANT TO FOOTBALL:
WELL YOU GOT IT BILLY:
I LOVE FOOTBALL:
WHY ARE THE PLAYERS KNEEL DURING THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM?
DO THEY HATE THE TROOPS?
NO, THEY'RE JUST KNEELING BECAUSE THEY'RE TIRED:
FROM OTHER BRAIN INJURIES?
YOU KNOW WHAT, SURE:
LET'S JUST GO WITH THAT SOMEHOW:
THAT'S THE HAPPIER VERSION:
ALL RIGHT, MERRY CHRISTMAS BILLY:
GO BRONCOS!
YEAH RIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL:
HI SANTA:
I ALREADY ASKED MY DAD FOR ANY AMERICAN
GIRL DOLL:
WELL THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN:
BUT MY DAD SAYS
HE CAN'T AFFORD ANY
PRESENTS UNTIL THE TAX CUT
TRICKLES DOWN FROM THE WEALTHIEST 1%.
WELL THAT'S ECONOMICS:
SANTA DIDN'T STUDY ECONOMICS:
HE STUDIED MUSICAL
THEATER WHICH IS PERHAPS WHY
HE'S WORKING AS A SANTA AT THIS
MALL RIGHT NOW:
AND I HEARD THAT
NEW TAX BILL WILL AD A TRILLION DOLLARS
TO THE NATIONAL DEBT:
IS THAT NAUGHTY?
WELL: I'M SURE THEY'RE
JUST TRYING TO MAKE THINGS
FRIENDLIER FOR BUSINESSES:
ACTUALLY SANTA: THANKS
TO THAT MUCH NEEDED TAX CUT
THIS LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE IS GONNA
FORKING OVER HER SOCIAL SECURITY
CHECKS TO THE CHINESE:
AND IF SHE THINKS SHE'S GETTING METACARE
OH, SHE IS OUT OF HER LITTLE MIND:
WOW, CLASSIC LIBATARD RESPONSE:
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT THANK YOU:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
HOW ABOUT YOU AREN'T YOU CUTE
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS?
HI SANTA, I WANNA BARBIE:
UNLESS THE FEMANAZIS ARE GONNA
TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME TOO:
OKAY, BABRIE, YOU GOT IT:
SEE YOU LATER:
AND KIDS JUST A REMINDER TO
KEEP YOUR WISHES LIGHT AND
CHRISTMASY AND NOT POLITICAL:
OK.
ALL RIGHT:
THAT'S GOOD, CAUSE I HATE POLITICS:
THANK THE LORD:
INSTEAD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT OPIOIDS:
NOPE, YOU'RE DONE:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, NEXT:
ALRIGHT: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR
CHRISTMAS?
AN EMBASSY THAT'S STILL IN TEL AVIV:
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TEL AVIV:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
NEXT:
HEY WHAT ABOUT YOU: MAYBE YOU'D LIKE A TOY
FROM SANTA:
OH YOU MEAN TOY LIKE MATT LAUER
GAVE TO HIS CO-WORKER?
EAR MUFFS, EAR MUFFS:
WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET
THESE KIDS FROM!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS:
BUT I THINK OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS
ARE TOO GOOD:
NEXT:
I AM GETTING YOU AN XBOX:
XBOX?
AWESOME:
MORE FACTORY JOBS FOR CHINESE
KIDS:
OKAY, KIDS:
SANTA MIGHT NEED A BREAK:
THIS ONE MIGHT INVOLVE A
CIGARETTE:
SANTA?
YES, LITTLE GIRL WHAT'S YOUR
NAME:
JENNY:
THIS YEAR I DON'T WANT ANY
GIFTS:
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OKAY:
OH, MY GOODNESS, JENNY:
LISTEN TO ME:
I KNOW THAT THINGS SEEM
PARTICULARLY INSANE RIGHT NOW:
LIKE TRULY MIND BENDINGLY
INSANE: AND WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST ALL
PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT'S NAUGHTY OR
NICE:
I KNOW:
I'VE SEEN FOX NEWS:
OH, THERE YOU GO:
BUT A BAD AS THINGS MIGHT
SEEM, I PROMISE YOU, JENNY: IT
WILL BE OKAY:
OKAY?
MAYBE NOT TODAY:
MAYBE NOT TOMORROW:
MAYBE NOT FOR ANOTHER THREE
YEARS, 42 DAYS AND 24 MINUTES:
JENNY: BUT MOST PEOPLE IN
AMERICA ARE GOOD PEOPLE: AND
EVENTUALLY GOOD PEOPLE WILL FIX
OUR COUNTRY:
OKAY:
GOOD:
BUT JUST IN CASE: I'M PUTTING
ALL MY MONEY IN BITCOIN:
OH, YES.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
NOW DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT SANTA
ALWAYS SAYS?
YES.
DO YOU WANT TO SAY IT WITH
ME?
OKAY:
MERRY CHRISTMAS: AND LIVE
FROM NEW YORK: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT!
♪♪
ANNOUNCER: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH:
FEATURING:
MUSICAL GUEST:
SZA
AND YOUR HOST:
JAMES FRANCO:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
JAMES FRANCO!
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
THANK YOU:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HERE
HOSTING "SNL.”
THIS IS MY FOURTH TIME HOSTING:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHICH IS THE MOST YOU CAN DO
WITHOUT IT BEING SPECIAL:
WHEN YOU HOST IT FIVE TIMES: YOU
GET A JACKET:
NOW, WHEN IT'S YOUR FOURTH TIME
HERE THEY DON'T EVEN WRITE YOU A
MONOLOGUE:
THEY JUST THROW YOU OUT HERE AND
MAKE YOU TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE
AUDIENCE:
ALL RIGHT, SO, HERE WE GO:
YES, SIR?
YEAH, I GOT A QUESTION:
WHAT TIME IS IT?
THEY MADE ME TURN MY PHONE OFF:
WHAT TIME IS IT?
THAT'S REALLY YOUR QUESTION?
YEAH:
MY HAND WASN'T UP.
YOU JUST POINTED AT ME AND I
PANICKED:
ALL RIGHT:
DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY REAL
QUESTIONS FOR ME?
MY QUESTION IS: DO YOU FEEL
LIKE YOUR CAREER HAS AN
OVERARCHING THEME OR DO YOU JUST
MOVE FROM PROJECT TO PROJECT AND
ONLY LOOK FOR A THEME IN
RETROSPECT?
I'M SORRY:
THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION:
I JUST ‐‐ IS THAT SETH ROGEN
SITTING BEHIND YOU?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SETH: WHAT'S GOING ON MAN?
ARE YOU JUST HERE IN THE
AUDIENCE
WATCHING ME HOST OR WHAT?
NO, I'M JUST HERE TO SEE THE
SHOW IN GENERAL:
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE
HOSTING IT:
SO, YOU ARE JUST HERE?
YEAH: I PUT THE NAME IN THE
LOTTERY FOR "SNL" TICKETS AND
THIS IS THE WEEK I GOT:
IT'S JUST RANDOM:
AND LUCKILY FOR ME: I'M A HUGE
SZA FAN: SO IT'S ALL WORKING
OUT.
THAT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE I
ASKED EARLIER IN THE WEEK IF YOU
WOULD COME BY AND DO A SKETCH
WITH ME AND YOU TOLD ME, SORRY:
I HAVE SOMETHING:
YEAH, I DID HAVE SOMETHING:
I HAD "SNL" TICKETS:
THEY ARE HARD TO COME BY:
PEOPLE LINE UP OUTSIDE TRYING
GET THEM:
AND I GOT THEM:
OKAY, WELL, YEAH:
THAT'S GREAT:
THANKS MA'AM FOR YOUR QUESTION:
YOU NEVER ANSWERED MY
QUESTION:
OKAY, NEXT QUESTION:
THIS WOMAN HAS A QUESTION:
SHE WANT'S TO KNOW: HOW COME YOU HOSTED FOUR
TIMES AND SETH ROGEN ONLY HOSTED
TWICE:
WHY DON'T YOU ASK SETH
WHY WHEN I DO MOVIES ON MY OWN
LIKE 127 HOURS I GET NOMINATED
FOR OSCARS AND WHEN I DO MOVIES
WITH SETH THEY GET NOMINATED FOR
A STONER AWARD?
OKAY: WHY DON'T YOU TELL
JAMES THAT THEY ARE CALLED
STONYS: WHICH IS A
HILARIOUS PLAY ON THE WORD
TONYS: WHICH IS AS
PRESTIGIOUS AS AN OSCAR: AND IF
YOU WIN YOU GET A BIG BAG OF
WEED:
OKAY, ALL RIGHT:
I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT:
THERE IS A RULE THAT YOU CAN
ONLY BE ONE STONER HOST ONCE
SEASON AND IT'S ME.
OKAY: AND EVERYBODY IS HERE TO
SEE ME, ALL RIGHT:
HEY, SORRY: YOU ARE IN MY
SEAT:
EXCUSE ME, MY FRIEND'S HERE NOW:
SORRY ABOUT THAT:
HEY MAN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SORRY I'M LATE:
DID I MISS SZA?
NO, NO.
OH, THANK GOD:
WHO IS HOSTING?
FRANCO:
DAVE FRANCO?
NO, NO JONAH: ME.
ME, JAMES:
I'M HOSTING:
PEOPLE WANT TO
SEE THAT?
SETH: YOU HAVE ONLY HOSTED
TWICE:
I KNOW:
THANK YOU:
ALL RIGHT:
GUYS: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL
YOU.
WHY IS STEVE MARTIN HERE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JAMES: I JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW I USED TO STAND ON THAT
VERY SPOT:
STANDING ON RIGHT NOW:
I USED TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE:"
I USED TO BE THE CENTER OF
ATTENTION:
AND I HAVE GOT TO TELL YOU: I
RESENT IT:
JUST A LITTLE BIT:
I RESENT IT THIS MUCH:
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT:
MAN, YOU ARE A BIG STAR:
YOU'RE STILL HOT:
DO I LOOK HOT?
ALL RIGHT:
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT:
SZA IS HERE!
SZA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STICK AROUND:
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> ALL RIGHT, FOLKS:
CAN I GET YOU TO GATHER OVER
HERE, PLEASE:
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR LUNCH:
EVERYONE:
I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO BE CLEAR
THAT HERE AT BETA CORP: WE HAVE
A ZERO TOLERANCE FOR WORKPLACE
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND ALL
OFFENDERS WILL BE TERMINATED:
[ APPLAUSE ]
THAT BEING SAID, UNFORTUNATELY:
WE HAD TO FIRE OUR CFO:
DOUG GIFFORD:
HEY, FINALLY:
YEAH, GOOD RIDDANCE:
BASTARD:
AND ALSO OUR FRONT DESK GUY:
CHARLIE:
OH.
NOT CHARLIE:
AND IF IT'S OKAY:
WE HAVE ASKED THEM TO COME OUT
AND FORMALLY APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF
YOU BEFORE THEY LEAVE:
COME ON OUT HERE, GUYS:
THANK YOU, GLEN:
I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU
THAT I AM DEEPLY AND TRULY SORRY
FOR ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE THAT
I MAY HAVE DONE WHILE WORKING
HERE:
YEAH: MY BAD.
TO JANET IN PARTICULAR:
I KNOW THAT I PLAYFULLY REFERRED
TO YOU AS MY LITTLE HONEY BEE
AND IT MADE YOU FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE AND I KNOW NOW
THAT IT WAS WRONG AND I'M SORRY:
IT WAS GROSS: AND YOU ARE
GROSS:
JANET: I KNOW SOMETIMES YOU
WOULD WALK BY ME AND I WOULD SAY
SOMETHING LIKE, “MMMM: MMMM”
THEN I'D SHAKE MY HEAD: DO A
LITTLE DANCE AND ASK YOU NOT TO
HURT NOBODY WITH THAT THING:
IT WAS WRONGFUL I'M SORRY:
CHARLIE, YOU ARE SO CRAZY:
OH, THAT IS CLASSIC CHARLIE:
OKAY:
AMANDA: THERE WAS ONE TIME AT A
MEETING RECENTLY WHERE I
COMMENTED ON YOUR DRESS AND YOUR
FIGURE:
AND EVEN THOUGH I MEANT IT AS A
COMPLIMENT: APPARENTLY IT WAS
STILL INAPPROPRIATE: SO FOR THAT
I'M SORRY:
OH, APPARENTLY?
OKAY, WELL:
APPARENTLY YOU STILL DON'T GET IT:
AND THAT'S WHY THEY FIRED YOUR
CREEP ASS:
YEAH!
[ APPLAUSE ]
MANDY, MANDY: SWEETER THAN
CANDY:
I REMEMBER I SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT DRESS: TOO.
I THINK IT WAS ALONG THE LINES
OF “MMMM, MMMM, MMMM, MMMM:
WOMAN: YOU THICKER THAN A BOWL
OF BISCUIT BATTER: WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE OLD CHARLIE A PAIR WITH
EXTRA JELLY:” THEN I DID MY
LITTLE DANCE: TOLD YOU NOT TO
HURT NOBODY WITH THAT THING:
IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE:
THAT'S MY BAD.
OH CHARLIE, YOU ARE TOO MUCH:
YOU KNOW I AIN'T GOT NO
SENSE:
GLEN, YOU CAN'T FIRE CHARLIE:
IT'S JUST CHARLIE:
IT WAS A CORPORATE DECISION:
DENISE:
MY HANDS ARE TIED:
DENISE:
WHAT: CREEP?
I KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE
ME SUGGESTING TO YOU THAT YOU
WOULD GET AHEAD FURTHER IN THIS
BUSINESS IF YOU SMILED A LITTLE
MORE:
IT WAS JUST ADVICE:
WELL, IT SUCKED:
AND YOU SUCK:
YEAH, THAT IS LEGIT AWFUL:
DOUG:
I KNOW:
THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING SORRY NOW:
DENISE ‐‐
AT ONE TIME I THINK I MAY HAVE
SUGGEST IF I WAS 11 YEARS
YOUNGER I WOULD PUT YOU IN A
LARGE SACK: THROW YOU IN THE
TRUNK OF MY ELDORADO AND DRIVE
YOU TO MY SISTER BETTY'S HOUSE
WITH THE MEDICAL BED: AND THEN
I'D CRACK OPEN ALL THE WINDOWS
AND SHOW YOU A GOOD OL' TIME FOR
28 MINUTES:
I GUESS THAT'S MY LOSS:
CHARLIE:
HOW ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?
SHUT UP: MAN, THAT'S JUST
CHARLIE:
YEAH: HE'S JUST A SWEET OLD
MAN.
GLEN: YOU JUST CAN'T FIRE
CHARLIE:
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS:
BELIEVE ME:
I DON'T WANT TO:
I WISH I WAS JUST FIRING DOUG:
TOO.
WHAT?
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME
SWEET SEXY JENNY:
MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB AS
SANTA: THEN I COULD SNEAK
DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY: TIE UP YOUR
OLD MAN: CRACK OPEN ALL THE
WINDOWS AND GIVE YOU A 28 MINUTE
PRESENT:
MMMM MMMM: DON'T YOU HURT NOBODY
WITH THAT THING:
THANK YOU CHARLIE:
THANK YOU?
HE SAID HE WANTS TO BREAK INTO
YOUR HOME: TIE UP YOUR HUSBAND
AND CRACK OPEN THE WINDOWS FOR
SOME REASON:
THAT'S TO GET THE FUNK OUT:
OKAY:
AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU:
OKAY, DON'T MAKE IT GROSS:
DOUG:
YEAH: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE
EVERYTHING SEXUAL?
HE'S A SWEET OLD MAN: WHAT'S
YOUR DEAL?
LOOK: IT JUST ‐‐ IT FEELS
LIKE YOU GUYS ARE GOING EASIER
ON HIM ‘CAUSE CHARMING OLD BLACK
MAN AND HE HAS DONE WAY WORSE
STUFF:
BUT IT'S CHARLIE:
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
LOOK, MAYBE DOUG IS RIGHT:
TOMMY: YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME I
MET YOUR FINE ASS WIFE AT THE
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY?
OF COURSE I DO, CHARLIE:
I REMEMBER THAT:
YEAH: I HELD UP HER HAND AND
TWIRLED HER AROUND AND YELLED
OUT, “AIN'T NO WAY LITTLE BITTY
TOMMY HITTING THIS THING:
RIGHT:”
YEAH:
AND LATER ON I SAW YOUR JUNK
IN THE URINAL AND IT WAS A GOOD
SIZE:
SO, I WENT BACK OUT TO THE PARTY
AND I YELLED OUT: “I STAND
CORRECTED: HOME BOY TOMMY IS
PACKING SOME HEAT:"
AND THEN EVERYBODY LAUGHED:
YEAH:
YOU THINK THAT'S WHY I'M
GETTING FIRED?
NO.
NO, IT'S NOT, CHARLIE:
IT ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH SEXUAL HARASSMENT:
CORPORATE SAYS THEY HAVE YOU ON
CAMERA STEALING $380 IN PETTY
CASH:
PLUS THEY FOUND HALF A POUND OF
COCAINE AND A BAG OF TINY
BALLOONS IN YOUR LOCKER:
OH, OKAY:
AND YOU SAVED A TON OF
PORNOGRAPHY ON TO THE LOBBY
DESKTOP IN FOLDERS MARKED
CHARLIE'S STUFF:
OH, YOU FOUND THAT:
YEAH:
YOU SIGNED OUT THE COMPANY'S
VAN, REPORTED IT STOLEN AND IT
WAS FOUND THREE DAYS LATER
PARKED OUTSIDE OF A BROTHEL WITH
YOUR KEYS STILL IN
THE IGNITION AND YOUR BROTHER
STILL ASLEEP IN THE FRONT SEAT:
WHAT: CLARENCE WAS STILL IN
THERE?
YEAH:
AND YOUR NAME'S NOT CHARLIE:
IT'S RONALD WASHINGTON:
AND YOU ARE WANTED IN
PENNSYLVANIA FOR KIDNAPPING:
OH, SO, IT'S STILL KIDNAPPING
IF I BRING THEM BACK?
OKAY: THAT'S MY BAD.
THAT'S MY BAD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> AND THIS ONE FRESHLY‐WRAPPED
XBOX COURTESY OF YOUR FRIENDLY
BLOOMINGDALE'S GIFT WRAPPING
DEPARTMENT:
OH, HANG ON: LET ME FLUFF
YOUR BOW: CAN'T SEND YOU HOME
WITH A FLOPPY BOW:
THANK YOU:
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
YOU'VE BEEN SO SUPER SWEET: I
THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WAIVE
THE $5 CHARGE: SO THIS ONE'S ON
ME.
MERRY CHRISTMAS:
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU:
WOW, DON, YOU'RE SO GREAT
WITH THE CUSTOMERS:
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT?
BECAUSE I AM A FREAKING NUT
FOR CHRISTMAS:
THAT'S HOW.
I LIVE FOR THIS: DON'T YOU?
IT'S FINE:
ALL RIGHT: CAN I GET THIS
BARBIE DOLL
WRAPPED FOR MY NIECE?
WOW.
SHE'S GONNA HAVE THE BEST
CHRISTMAS OF THEIR HER
FLIPPING LIFE:
I HOPE SO: SHE'S PRETTY SPECIAL:
OH, I KNOW SHE WILL SIR:
THAT IS MY CHRISTMAS GUARANTEE:
OH, OW.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, JUST A PAPER CUT:
A HAZARD OF THE TRADE: NO BIG.
THE SECRET TO GOOD GIFT WRAPPING
IS A NICE CLEAN CREASE:
DON, DON, DO YOU NEED A BANDAID?
I DON'T THINK SO:
I THINK YOU DO:
YOU ARE GETTING BLOOD ALL OVER
MY NIECE'S GIFT:
I CAN COVER THAT WITH A BOW:
DON'T WORRY:
OH, MAN.
WOO, THIS IS DEEPER THAN I
THOUGHT:
YEAH:
MY FINGER IS BASICALLY LIKE A
SPLIT HOT DOG RIGHT NOW:
WOO HOO:
DON, I THINK WE NEED TO GET
YOU TO THE MEDICAL CENTER:
I HAVE GOT TO WORK TO DO:
THIS IS BAD:
ARE YOU ON BLOOD THINNERS?
A FEW, YEAH:
OKAY:
ONE LAST PIECE OF TAPE:
AND ALL RIGHT:
THERE YOU GO:
THANK YOU:
WHERE IS THE RETURN COUNTER?
IT'S OVER THERE:
OVER THERE:
DON'T FORGET YOUR FREE CANDY
CANE OVER HERE: OKAY?
JESUS!
DON, CAN WE PLEASE GO FIND
THE STORE NURSE NOW?
TINA, IT'S NOTHING:
I JUST NEED A LITTLE PRESSURE ON IT:
IT'S GOING TO STOP ANY SECOND:
OKAY:
IS YOUR MOUTH FILLING WITH
BLOOD RIGHT NOW: DON.
HI.
ARE YOU FREE TO WRAP A GIFT:
ARE YOU A GIFT BUYING GENIUS OR WHAT?
OH, MY GOOD LORD:
GOOD LORD:
WHAT IS HAPPENING:
HERE:
YOUR CHRISTMAS DREAMS ARE COMING
TRUE:
THAT'S WHAT:
LET ME FIND MY SPECIAL CHOO CHOO
PAPER:
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK WE GOOD: MAN.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE:
[ GAGGING ]
DON'T BE SILLY:
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS
PAPER:
JUST GOT TO CHOP A LITTLE BIT OF
IT ‐‐
OH.
WHOA:
YOU JUST CHOPPED YOUR DAMN
FINGER OFF:
JUST THE TIP:
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID:
I JUST WANT TO SAY SOMETHING AT
THIS POINT:
I THINK WE MAY ACTUALLY HAVE A
PROBLEM HERE:
YEAH: MAN.
[ GAGGING ]
YOU ARE SPRAYING BLOOD IN
MY ‐‐
[ GAGGING ]
NO, THE PROBLEM IS I'M
RUNNING OUT OF CHOO CHOO PAPER:
BUT YOU CAN PICK ANY OF THE
PATTERNS ON THE WALL BEHIND ME
HERE:
ALL RIGHT:
THAT IS IT:
WE ARE OUT OF HERE:
NO.
I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS:
[ GAGGING ]
DON, THIS IS WAY MORE THAN
EIGHT PINTS OF BLOOD: WILL YOU
PLEASE STOP?
STOP LOVING CHRISTMAS?
NEVER:
JUST TURN ON THE LIGHTS:
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING:
THE LIGHTS ARE ON:
ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON:
OH, MY GOD, WHAT: ANOTHER
ROLL OF CHOO CHOO PAPER:
LET ME CUT THE PLASTIC OFF HERE:
LET ME HOLD WITH IT MY LEG HERE:
OH.
OH!
I JUST CUT MY LEG:
YOU JUST 100% CUT YOUR DAMN
DAMN FOOT OFF!
A FOOT?
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID:
I'M CALLING AN AMBULANCE FOR
ALL OF US:
I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT:
THAT IS A FOOT:
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ KNOCKING ]
HEY MAN:
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU:
WE'RE GO TO HEAD OVER TO THE
CHRISTMAS PARTY:
COOL: BYE.
I WAS JUST THINKING IF YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS: YOU ARE
MORE THAN WELCOME TO COME:
WE DON'T GET TO KICK IT THAT
MUCH ANYMORE:
IT COULD BE FUN:
YOU KNOW?
ALL RIGHT BUMBLE DOUG:
ARE YOU READY?
JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES:
I THINK MY ROOMMATE IS COMING:
WHAT?
SERIOUSLY YOU INVITED SCRUDGE:
COME ON:
IT'S CHRISTMAS:
THE GUY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS:
BECAUSE HE IS A NIGHTMARE:
WHAT UP: MAN, KEVIN?
STILL REALLY BORING?
COOL, LET'S GET FADED:
♪♪
WE BROUGHT GIFTS:
YOUR THINGS LOOK SO
INEXPENSIVE:
THANKS:
AND AN UGLY CHRISTMAS
SWEATER:
SO BRAVE OF YOU TO DO SOMETHING
SO PLAYED OUT:
OH, NO.
KATIE IS HERE:
WE HOOKED UP LIKE ONCE: AND NOW
SHE WON'T
STOP TEXTING ME:
IT'S LIKE: HEY.
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING: I SEE
YOU WATCHING MY INSTA STORIES:
ANOTHER REASON TO GET BLACK OUT:
TRY NOT TO BE A DICK TO
EVERYONE TONIGHT, PLEASE:
NO BUMBLE DOUG:
HANNAH, DOPE DVD COLLECTION:
I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE ARE OTHER
WES ANDERSON FANS OUT THERE: LET
ME GUESS YOU LIKE THE SOUNDTRACKS
TOO, BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS SUCK:
OH I SEE WHAT'S GONG ON HERE:
MIND IF I SNEAK A TEENY TINY KEY
BUMP?
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH LEFT:
HEY, DUDE: CAN I GET THAT BAG
BACK:
DUDE: WHAT?
I GAVE IT BACK TO YOU:
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YEAH: DUDE I LITERALLY JUST
GAVE IT BACK TO YOU:
ARE YOU LIKE HIGH: DUDE?
WHAT?
HEY, CAN I BUM A CIGARETTE?
I ONLY GOT ONE LEFT?
THAT'S ALL I NEED:
SCRUDGE: KIND OF AN ASS[BLEEP].
WHOA: EVERYBODY HAS BEEN
DYING TO KNOW WHAT THE SAD:
LONELY ROOF GUY THINKS: AND I
GET TO HERE IT FIRST: HASHTAG WINNING
HASHTAG TIGER BLOOD:
[ BLEEP ] YOU, LOSER:
TAKE A LOOK DOWNSTAIRS:
YOU MIGHT NOT BE AS COOL AS YOU
THINK:
I'M SCRUDGE:
I MAKE EVERYONE FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE:
IS HE LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS
OLD.
DOES HE OWN A
TOOTHBRUSH?
HE'S JUST MY ROOMMATE:
HE'S NOT REALLY MY FRIEND:
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I
WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM:
MICHAEL?
NOT TOO LATE, SCRUDGE:
♪ WHAT HAVE I BEEN ♪♪
EVERYBODY, PLEASE LISTEN:
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY:
I'M SORRY:
I HAVE BEEN AWFUL TO EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF YOU:
BUT TONIGHT, THANKS TO YOU: I
HAVE REALIZED THAT THE TRUE
MEANING OF CHRISTMAS IS TO SPEND
TIME WITH THOSE YOU LOVE: WHICH
IS WHY I SHOULDN'T BE HERE:
I'M SORRY:
TRULY, REALLY SORRY, EVERYONE:
EAT MY BUTT:
[ APPLAUSE ]
> YOU ARE LISTENING TO
IOWA PUBLIC RADIO
WHERE WE ARE BROADCASTING LIVE
OUR COVERAGE OF THE 2017 IOWA CITY
ALL DISTRICT SPELLING BEE:
I'M YOUR HOST EMILY STEELE:
AND I'M STILL YOUR COLOR
COMMENTATOR, TODD ST. LUCIEN:
TODD: WHAT TO YOU MAKE OF THE
BEE SO FAR:
EMILY, LET ME TELL YOU:
SOME OF THE WORDS THESE KIDS
HAVE BEEN SPELLING ARE
ABSOLUTELY MAGNIFICENT:
OOH, NICE WORD, TODD:
THANKS: JUST DON'T ASK ME TO
SPELL IT:
SERIOUSLY?
ALL RIGHT:
WELL THE SECOND ROUND IS JUST
ABOUT TO START:
WHY DON'T WE JOIN THE ACTION:
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU
FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR:
MY NAME IS KEVIN BLACK AND I'LL
BE MODERATING THIS ROUND:
WILL THE FIRST CONTESTANT PLEASE
STEP FORWARD:
AND FIRST TO THE MIKE IS
EIGHTH GRADER, TONYA CLARK:
SHE BREEZED THROUGH ROUND ONE:
LET'S SEE HOW SHE DOES THE
SECOND TIME AROUND:
YOUR WORD IS BERATE:
COULD YOU USE IT IN A
SENTENCE?
BERATE: I'M DEAD INSIDE
BECAUSE MY STEPFATHER USED TO
BERATE ME WITH INSULTS AND
EMASCULATE ME WITH FEMININE
NICKNAMES:
BERATE:
COULD I GET THE DEFINITION:
PLEASE?
BERATE: TO USE INSULTS AND
FEMININE NICKNAMES SUCH AS
STUPID SUSIE TAMPON PRINCESS TO
EMASCULATE YOUR STEPSON AND MAKE
HIM DEAD INSIDE:
BERATE:
OKAY:
BERATE: B‐E‐R‐A‐T‐E.
BERATE:
CONGRATULATIONS:
THAT IS CORRECT:
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THAT WAS INSANE:
I KNOW, SIX LETTERS:
THAT'S A LOT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPELL?
LET'S GET BACK TO THE ACTION
WITH 14‐YEAR‐OLD JONATHAN
WINSLOW:
YOUR WORD IS CHAGRIN:
COULD YOU USE IT IN A
SENTENCE, PLEASE:
CHAGRIN:
MY STEPFATHER KEVIN TOLD THE
ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM THAT I
HADN'T YET DEVELOPED PUBIC HAIR:
MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN:
COULD I GET A DEFINITION?
CHAGRIN: THE FEELING OF SHAME
THAT RESULTS FROM YOUR
STEPFATHER, KEVIN: TELLING THE
ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM THAT YOU
ARE QUOTE: LIKE A BABY SEAL DOWN
THERE:
OKAY:
CHAGRIN: C‐H‐A‐G‐R‐I‐N.
CHAGRIN:
THAT IS CORRECT:
[ APPLAUSE ]
FIRST TWO WORDS INTO ROUND
TWO, ANY THOUGHTS SO FAR?
SO FAR IT'S BEEN DEPRAVED:
SOUNDS MORE LIKE A ROUND
THREE WORD:
OKAY, NEXT UP, KEITH SINCLAIR:
LET'S SEE WHAT WORD HE GETS:
YOUR WORD IS UROPHILIAC:
OKAY: NOW THAT'S WORD FOR
PEOPLE WHO LIKE GETTING PEED ON:
SO, YEAH: LOOKS LIKE THE REF IS
GETTING INVOLVED:
SORRY FOR THE DELAY:
APPARENTLY EUROPHILIAC ISN'T AN
APPROPRIATE WORD FOR A SPELLING
BEE.
BUT THEY HAVE GIVEN ME A
REPLACEMENT WORD INSTEAD:
YOUR NEW WORD IS ADOLESCENT:
COULD YOU USE IT IN A
SENTENCE?
ADOLESCENT:
I USED TO BE AN ADOLESCENT:
NOW AS AN ADULT I AM A
UROPHILIAC:
I DERIVE SEXUAL PLEASURE FROM
BEING TREATED LIKE A TOILET:
ADOLESCENT:
COULD I JUST GET THE
DEFINITION?
ADOLESCENT:
WHAT I WAS BEFORE I CAME AN
ADULT UROPHILIAC:
MEANING I DERIVE EROTIC PLEASURE
FROM BEING TREATED LIKE A
TOILET:
ADOLESCENT:
DAMN: MAN.
OKAY:
ADOLESCENT:
A‐D‐O‐L‐E‐S‐C‐E‐N‐T.
ADOLESCENT:
CONGRATULATIONS: YOU HAVE
SPELLED IT CORRECTLY:
YOU NEED HELP, DUDE:
AND LAST UP IS DAVID ROBERTS:
HEY, MAN, CAN I GET A NORMAL
WORD?
I'M JUST READING THE CARD:
OKAY, WHATEVER: MAN.
YOUR WORD IS LITTLE PIG BOY:
COULD YOU USE IT IN A
SENTENCE?
LITTLE PIG BOY:
MISTRESS HATES HER LITTLE PIG
BOY.
I'M HER DIRTY LITTLE PIG BOY:
PLEASE STAND ON ME WITH YOUR
BOOTS ON:
LITTLE PIG BOY:
COULD I GET THE DEFINITION:
PLEASE?
LITTLE PIG BOY IS THAT
PATHETIC DIRTY BITCH BABY
MISTRESS GETS TO STAND ON:
LITTLE PIG BOY:
IS THERE A COUNTRY OF ORIGIN?
LITTLE PIG BOY COMES FROM THE
DIRT:
HE'S A WEASLEY LITTLE MUD GRUB
WHO NEEDS TO BE STOOD ON:
LITTLE PIG BOY:
OKAY:
I GUESS I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT:
LITTLE PIG BOY: L‐I‐T‐T‐L‐E
P‐I‐G B‐O‐Y.
LITTLE PIG BOY:
THAT IS CORRECT:
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL: THAT'S IT FOR ROUND
TWO.
EMILY: HOW DO YOU THINK IT WENT?
BAD.
WELL: AT LEAST THE KIDS HAD
FUN.
THEY DID NOT:
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
OKAY:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: SZA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ SAY YOU GOT A GIRL
AND HOW YOU WANT ME
HOW YOU WANT ME
WHEN YOU GOT A GIRL ♪
♪ THE FEELIN' IS RECKLESS
OF KNOWIN' I'M SELFISH
KNOWIN' I'M DESPERATE
GETTIN' ALL IN YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ FALLIN' ALL OVER LOVE
LIKE DO IT TO LAST
LAST: BABY
HANGING OUT THE BACK ♪
♪ ALL UP IN YOUR LAP
LIKE IS YOU COMIN' HOME
IS YOU OUT WITH HER
I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ LONG AS YOU'RE HERE
BY 10:30 NO LATER THAN
DROP THEM DRAWERS
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT ♪
♪ MY MAN IS
MY MAN IS YOUR MAN
HER, THIS HER MAN TOO
MY MAN IS ♪
♪ MY MAN IS YOUR MAN
HER, THAT'S HER MAN
TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY AND FRIDAY ♪
♪ I JUST KEEP HIM SATISFIED
THROUGH THE WEEKEND
YOU'RE LIKE 9 TO 5
I'M THE WEEKEND ♪
♪ MAKE HIM LOSE HIS MIND
EVERY WEEKEND
YOU TAKE WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY ♪
♪ THEN JUST SEND HIM MY WAY
THINK I GOT IT COVERED FOR
I GOTTA SAY
I'M IN THE MOOD ♪
♪ FOR A LITTLE BIT
MORE OF THAT
I MEAN I'M SAYING
WHAT KIND OF DEAL ♪
♪ IS TWO DAYS
I NEED ME
AT LEAST 'BOUT FOUR
OF THEM ♪
♪ MORE OF THEM
MORE OF YOU ON ME
ON US
TELL ME YOU WANT ME ♪
♪ MONDAY
AND I'LL BE AT YOUR DOOR
READY TO TAKE HER PLACE
READY TO GIVE YOU ♪
♪ WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSIN'
ON WEEKDAYS
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
WAITIN' FOR ♪
♪ 10:30 NO LATER THAN
DROP THEM DRAWERS
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
MY MAN IS ♪
♪ MY MAN IS YOUR MAN
HER THIS HER MAN TOO
MY MAN IS
MY MAN IS YOUR MAN ♪
♪ HER THAT'S HER MAN
TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY AND FRIDAY
I JUST KEEP HIM SATISFIED ♪
♪ THROUGH THE WEEKEND
YOU'RE LIKE 9 TO 5
I'M THE WEEKEND
MAKE HIM LOSE ♪
♪ HIS MIND EVERY WEEKEND
YOU TAKE WEDNESDAY
THEN JUST SEND HIM
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE: WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH: GOOD
EVENING, EVERYONE:
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE I'M
MICHAEL CHE:
AND I'M COLIN JOST:
WITH ALL THE COMPLEX ISSUES
FACING AMERICA RIGHT NOW:
PRESIDENT TRUMP DECIDED TO RELAX
AND SOLVE A MUCH SIMPLER
PROBLEM, THE MIDDLE EAST:
TRUMP FORMALLY RECOGNIZED
JERUSALEM AS THE CAPITAL OF
ISRAEL THIS WEEK AND YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BUT JEWS
AND MUSLIMS HAD DIFFERENT
REACTIONS:
TRUMP BASICALLY MADE THE
ANNOUNCEMENT: FLICKED A
CIGARETTE: AND THEN JUST WALKED
AWAY IN SLOW MOTION:
THEN PALESTINIAN PRESIDENT
MAHMOUD ABBAS WARNED TRUMP
IN A PHONE CALL THAT THE MOVE
WOULD RESULT IN DANGEROUS
CONSEQUENCES:
AND IT DIDN'T HELP THAT TRUMP
ENDED THE CALL BY WISHING
ABBAS MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND ASKING FOR EXTRA FALAFEL:
I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY
WOULD EVEN WANT TO TAKE SIDES IN
THE MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT UNLESS
THEY ARE ACTUALLY FROM THE
MIDDLE EAST:
IT'S LIKE WATCHING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS FIGHT:
YOU JUST KEEP QUIET AND
SAY I HEAR YOU:
I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE MIDDLE
EAST:
I HAVE ONE PALESTINIAN FRIEND
AND EVERY TIME I ASK HIM ABOUT
THE MIDDLE EAST HE SAYS: "CHE
I'M PAKISTANI:"
AFTER TRUMP SLURRED HIS
SPEECH ON WEDNESDAY THE WHITE
HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL
UNDERGO A PHYSICAL EXAM EARLY
NEXT YEAR:
AND THE RESULTS WILL BE MADE
PUBLIC:
WHICH SOUNDS GOOD:
BUT I HAVE A QUESTION:
WILL DR: MUPPETS BE DOING IT?
BECAUSE IF HE IS: SOMEONE'S
GONNA HAVE TO SHAKE HIM OUT OF
HIS LUDES COMA FIRST:
ALSO: I'M NOT REALLY CONCERNED
ABOUT TRUMP GETTING A PHYSICAL
EXAMINATION:
I'M A LOT MORE CONCERNED ABOUT
SOME OF THE MENTAL THINGS THAT
MIGHT BE HAPPENING THAT MAKE HIM
SAY THINGS LIKE THIS:
BECAUSE THESE MASSIVE TAX
CUTS
WILL BE ROCKET FUEL:
LITTLE ROCKET MAN:
NOW I'M NO DOCTOR: BUT THEN
AGAIN, NEITHER IS THIS GUY:
CONGRESS HAS PASSED A TEMPORARY
EXTENSION THAT WILL PREVENT A
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN THIS
WEEKEND:
FOR NOW: A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN
IS JUST WHEN A WOMAN TELLS A
SENATOR TO PULL HIS PANTS BACK UP:
> THREE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS
RESIGNED THIS WEEK AFTER
ALLEGATIONS OF SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT:
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: TIME
TO OPEN THREE MORE DOORS ON OUR
SEXUAL HARASSMENT THEMED ADVENT
CALENDAR:
> SENATOR AL FRANKEN
ANNOUNCED HIS RESIGNATION THIS WEEK
IN THE WAKE OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT
ALLEGATIONS:
AND YET UNCLE BAD TOUCH IS UP FOUR POINTS
IN ALABAMA:
> THE DEMOCRATS HOLD
THEMSELVES TO A HIGHER STANDARD
THAN EVERYONE ELSE:
WHICH IS WHY THEY ALWAYS LOSE:
IT'S THE SAME REASON THE HARVARD
TEAM SUCK BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE
A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO PLAY
THERE:
BUT TO PLAY FOR ALABAMA: YOU
JUST GOT TO BE ABLE THE SPELL
BAMMA:
DEMOCRATS HOPE BY FORCING AL
FRANKEN TO STEP DOWN THEY WILL
PAINT THEMSELVES AS THE PARTY OF
THE MORAL HIGH GROUND:
CALM DOWN, DEMOCRATS:
YOU ARE STILL POLITICIANS:
YOU ARE THE PARTY OF THE
MORALITY THE SAME WAY DON JR: IS
THE HANDSOME TRUMP BROTHER:
NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES YOU:
NOBODY LIKES DEMOCRATS:
NOBODY IS AT A PARTY LIKE: DO
YOU KNOW WHO I WISH WAS HERE:
NANCY PELOSI:
SHE'S DOPE:
TRUMP ALSO ENDORSED ROY MOORE
THIS WEEK, SAYING GO GET THEM:
ROY.
COME ON: MAN, WHEN YOU ARE
ENDORSING AN ACCUSED CHILD
MOLESTER: YOU CAN'T SAY GO GET 'EM.
THIS ISN'T PEDOPHILE POKEMON:
IF IT IS, WE SHOULD PROBABLY KEEP
AN EYE ON SQUIRTEL:
BY THE WAY: GO GET 'EM ROY IS
ALSO WHAT ROY MOORE WHISPERS TO
HIMSELF RIGHT BEFORE HE WALKS
INTO A HOT TOPIC:
> ROY MOORE RESPONDED TO
CRITICS BY TWEETING I THINK THEY
ARE AFRAID I'M GOING TO TAKE
ALABAMA VALUES TO WASHINGTON:
NO, WE ARE AFRAID YOU ARE GOING
TO TAKE YOUR VALUES TO
WASHINGTON:
WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO
BLAME THEIR TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR ON
WHERE THEY ARE FROM:
LIKE WHEN A GUY WHIPS OUT HIS
JUNK ON A SUBWAY AND SCREAMS
ONLY IN NEW YORK, BABY:
WE DO NOT DO THAT: MAN.
> IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE
MUELLER INVESTIGATION SUBPOENAED
DEUTSCHE BANK REQUESTING
INFORMATION ABOUT PRESIDENT
TRUMP AND HIS FAMILY'S FINANCES
AND THEY HAVE ALSO SUBPOENAED
THE BANK ERIC USES:
ACCORDING TO A REPORT: TRUMP
DID NOT INVITE ANY DEMOCRATS TO
THE WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTY
ON THURSDAY: WHICH IS LIKE NOT
INVITING ANY GAY PEOPLE TO THE
TONY AWARDS:
IT'S NOT REALLY A GOOD LOOK WHEN
THE MOST JEWISH PERSON AT YOUR
HANUKKAH PARTY IS IVANKA TRUMP:
SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS
CONTINUE TO ROCK CONGRESS WITH
MORE EXPECTED TO COME: HERE TO
TALK ABOUT THIS IS A WOMAN WHO
IS ALWAYS SCREAMING OUTSIDE MY
WINDOW, CATHY ANNE:
HEY, HEY MICHAEL CHE:
WHOO:
TODAY MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY:
OH REALLY?
WHY IS THAT KATHY ANN?
BECAUSE I GET THE SEE YOU:
AND I JUST CAME BACK FROM THE
DEAD:
WHAT?
YOU WERE ACTUALLY DEAD?
YEAH, YEAH, FOR 18 MINUTES:
AND THEN BACK FOR FIVE: AND THEN
DEAD FOR ANOTHER 21:
I MET GEORGE MICHAEL:
HE TOLD ME TO PLEASE LEAVE HIM ALONE:
WELL: I'M GLAD YOU ARE OKAY
NOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT AL
FRANKEN RESIGNING?
YOU KNOW WHAT: I'M NOT SURE
WHAT TO THINK:
IT IS A CONFUSING TIME TO BE A
WOMAN, AND A DRUG ADDICT: AND A
VERY HEAVY DRINKER:
IT'S HARD YOU KNOW: BECAUSE I
LIKED AL FRANCO:
BUT I GUESS ‐‐ I GUESS THAT'S
WHY THEY SAY DON'T MEET YOUR
HEROS:
YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE WHEN I MET
THAT TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA
AND HE TRIED TO BITE ME IN MY
FRIGGIN' VAGINA:
WOW.
OH HOW IS THAT A WOW?
COME ON NOW?
LOOK: I SAW AL FRANCO'S SPEECH
OKAY:
HERE'S WHAT I DO KNOW:
WHY ARE YOU GOING TO RESIGN IF
YOU AIN'T GOING TO APOLOGIZE?
AND IF YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO
APOLOGIZE FOR: WHY THE HELL ARE
YOU RESIGNING?
OKAY:
I DIDN'T RESIGN FROM WAFFLE
HOUSE BECAUSE I WASN'T STEALING
SYRUP:
WELL: I THINK HE RESIGNED
BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO
SHOW THEY ARE A PARTY THAT TAKES
A STAND AGAINST SEXUAL
HARASSMENT
YES, WHO ARE THEY TRYING TO
SELL, THE VOTERS IN ALABAMA:
LIKE EVERYONE IN ALABAMA JUST
BEEN ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS
WONDERING WHAT KRISTEN JELLY
BEANS
IS GOING TO DO ABOUT AL FRANCO:
YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THIS
STUFF:
I'M KIND OF A POLITICAL
JUNKIE, AND A REGULAR JUNKIE:
THE POINT IS THOSE VOTERS IN
ALABAMA DON'T GIVE A FLYING FOOT
ABOUT AL FRANCO:
A FLYING FOOT?
COME ON, YOU KNOW: WHEN YOU
STEP IN THE BEAR TRAP AND YOU
TRY TO SHAKE IT OFF TOO HARD AND
YOUR FOOT GOES FLYING:
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT:
OH, WELL AREN'T YOU FANCY:
WELL: DOUG JONES SEEMS CLOSE
TO ROY MOORE IN THE POLLS:
OH, IS HE DOING OKAY IN THE
POLLS?
COME ON:
PEOPLE LIE:
WHO'S GONNA ADMIT TO SUPPORTING
ROY MOORE TO A STRANGER ON THE
PHONE:
OH ME, YEAH, YEAH: I'M
SUPPORT THE PEDOPHILE WHO LIKES
SLAVERY:
COME ON:
THAT'S LIKE IF YOU CALLED ME:
AND YOU SAY: "HEY KATHY ANN ARE
YOU PLANNING ON SMOKING CRACK
AGAIN?"
I'M GOING TO BE LIKE "OH, HOW
DARE YOU?
YOU HAVE OFFENDED MY
SENSIBILITIES:
CUT TO: ME IN THAT IN THAT SECRET VOTING
BOOTH HUFFING ON A HOT MOTH BALL
HIGH AS HELL GOING DOUG WHO?
HE'S GONNA WIN IN A LAND SLIDE:
AND ALL PRETEND LIKE IT JUST
HAPPENED OVERNIGHT: HE NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT:
YOU KNOW: LIKE CROP CIRCLES OR
CLOGGED TOILETS:
KATHY ANN DOES THIS MEAN YOU
CLOGGED MY TOILET AGAIN?
MICHAEL CHE: HOW DARE YOU?
YOU HAVE OFFENDED MY
SENSIBILITY:
KATHY ANN, EVERYBODY:
KATHY ANN CHE:
REAL LOVE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> PIZZA HUT ANNOUNCED IT WILL
START DELIVERING BEER AND WINE
IN CERTAIN CITIES:
CITIES SUCH IS AS LONELY TOWN
AND NORTH SHANEFIELD:
AT LEAST FOUR MAJOR WILDFIRES
HAVE BROKEN OUT AROUND LOS
ANGELES FORCING THE EVACUATION
OF OVER 150,000 RESIDENTS:
THE FIRES ARE THE WORST THING
SPREADING IN L: A. SINCE HARVEY
WEINSTEIN'S BATH ROBE:
I SAID WORST THING:
APPLEBEE'S IS SELLING $1 LONG
ISLAND ICE TEAS FOR THE REST OF 2017: THIS ACCORDING
TO A TEACHER SLEEPING AT HER DESK:
WHILE R KELLY WAS ON TOUR
THIEVES BROKE INTO HIS HOME AND
TOOK EVERYTHING FROM HIM:
DAMN:
I BET HE WAS PISSED:
A WOMAN IN BRISTOL: ENGLAND
SAYS SHE HAS HAD SEX WITH AT
LEAST 20 GHOSTS:
OR, HEAR ME OUT: BRSHT DUDES ARE
JUST SUPER PALE:
YOU KNOW: HERE ON WEEKEND
UPDATE I'LL TELL A JOKE THAT
OFFENDS A MARGINALIZED GROUP AND
I'LL GET A LOT OF MAIL ABOUT IT:
MOSTLY FROM SUPER LIBERAL WHITE
WOMEN WHICH MADE ME THINK MAYBE
I SHOULD TRY TO SEE THINGS FROM
THEIR PERSPECTIVE:
SO I DECIDED TO WALK A MILE THE
BEST WAY I KNEW HOW:
BY GOING UNDERCOVER AS A WHITE
WOMAN NAMED GRETCHEN:
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED:
I HAD TO GO THROUGH A COMPLETE
AND THOROUGH TRANSFORMATION TO
CONVINCE THE OUTSIDE WORLD THAT
ME, BLACK ASS MICHAEL CHE WAS
ACTUALLY A LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN:
I'M TALKING FUSSY SWEATERS:
CROCHETED HATS: SEVERAL SCARVES
AT A TIME:
I MEAN YOU NAME IT, I DID IT:
WHAT ABOUT MAKE UP?
WHAT'S THAT?
DID YOU USE MAKEUP FOR YOUR
TRANSFORMATION?
♪♪
ONCE I HAD THE LOOK PERFECT:
THE TRICKIEST PART FOR ME WAS
LEARNING HOW TO TALK LIKE A
LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN:
SO I WENT ON YELP: I READ A
BUNCH OF HUFFINGTON POST
ARTICLES:
I LISTENED TO THE MOST IGNORANT
RAP MUSIC I COULD FIND:
I READ THE LENA DUNHAM BOOK:
YOU KNOW, WHITE WOMAN STUFF:
YO THAT'S ME.
I WAS FINALLY READY TO PUT MY
TRANSFORMATION UP TO THE
ULTIMATE TEST, SUNDAY BRUNCH:
OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU SEE MEGHAN MARKLE'S
ENGAGEMENT RING?
WORD:
YES, IT'S GORGEOUS:
I'M SO JEALOUS:
LOOK: I DON'T MEAN NO
DISRESPECT BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE
THE MONARCHY IS LITERALLY THE
PATRIARCHY:
AS A LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN: I
CAN'T SUPPORT THAT [ BLEEP ].
WOW.
THAT IS SO TRUE:
IT WORKED:
EVERYBODY SAW ME AS A LIBERAL
WHITE WOMAN NAMED GRETCHEN:
IT WAS PERFECT:
I JUST DON'T SEE HOW CARDY B:
IS CONSIDERED A POSITIVE ROLE
MODEL FOR THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT:
YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO THE
WORDS:
SHE DON'T GOT TO DANCE NO MORE:
SHE MAKE MONEY MOVES NOW:
YOU HANNAH, I'M BUGGING:
NO YOU'RE NOT BUGGING:
YOU CAN'T IGNORE THE IMPORTANCE
OF ECONOMIC EMPOWERMENT IF WOMEN
ARE EVER TO BE EQUAL:
WHOA:
THAT'S WORD TO LULUMEMON RIGHT
THERE:
MICHAEL CHE?
NO.
THAT'S GRETCHEN:
ALL RIGHT:
LIVING AS A LIBERAL WHITE
LADY NAMED GRETCHEN: I FELT LIKE
PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS TRYING TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME:
WHETHER IT WAS DUDES MAN
SPREADING ON THE SUBWAY:
MOVE YOUR LEG MAN:
SORRY MAN:
IT'S A BIG CITY:
THERE'S A LOT OF SKETCHY DUDES
OUT THERE:
SOMETIMES I DIDN'T FEEL SAFE:
I THINK THE MOST FRUSTRATING
PART WAS HAVING TO DEAL WITH
GUYS TRYING TO MANSPLAIN MY
ISSUES TO ME:
I MEAN I LOST MY TEMPER A FEW
TIMES OVER THAT:
WHITE MEN HAVE IT JUST AS
HARD AS ANYBODY ELSE:
CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, DUDE:
IF WOMEN REALLY WANT TO BE
EQUAL ‐‐
HOLE MY WARBYS:
I'M GOING TO TALK OVER YOU:
SO YOUR MASCULINITY IS MAD
TOXIC RIGHT NOW, MY NIGGA:
SURE I WAS ONLY A LIBERAL WHITE
WOMAN FOR A DAY: BUT BUT IN THAT
TIME I LEARNED A LOT:
I LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES WOMEN
CAN BE REALLY MEAN TO EACH
OTHER:
OH, THAT WHITE GIRL IS UGLY:
THEY DO EAT A LOT OF PIZZA
AND A LOT OF SALADS TO BALANCE
OUT THE PIZZA:
AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST GET
RANDOM MONEY IN THE MAIL FROM
THEIR DADS:
DID I GOT ANY MAIL FROM MY
PARENTS TODAY?
NO, I DIDN'T SEE NOTHING:
OTHER THAN A FEW SMALL
DIFFERENCES THEY WANT THE SAME
THING EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS:
EQUALITY, RESPECT:
CHEERS ‐‐
AND WINE IN THE DAYTIME WITH
NO JUDGMENTS:
THAT'S WORTH A LULULEMON:
YO, CAN WE GET SOME MORE
MIMOSAS:
I GET HEAVY HANDED WITH THE
CHAMPAGNE:
TRYING TO GET [ BLEEP ] UP.
YOU KNOW I'M A WILD BITCH:
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M MICHAEL CHE
AND I'M COLIN JOST GOODNIGHT
> REMIND THE JURY AGAIN OF THE
MAKE AND MODEL OF YOUR CAR:
YEAH: I DRIVE A '93 TO TOYOTA
COROLLA:
WHICH WITNESSES SAY WAS NEVER
AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME:
THANK YOU:
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS: YOUR
HONOR:
VERY WELL:
YOUR HONOR: THE PROSECUTION
WOULD LIKE TO CROSS‐EXAMINE THE
WITNESS:
WELL THE FLOOR IS YOURS:
COUNSELLOR:
MR. REYNOLDS: WOULD YOU
PLEASE REMIND ME ONE MORE TIME
OF YOUR WHEREABOUTS ON THE NIGHT
IN QUESTION?
SURE:
LIKE I ALREADY SAID I WAS AT
VINNY'S HAVING TWO SLICES OF ZA:
AHH!
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID:
I FIND THAT REALLY INTERESTING
BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO HAVE A MENU
FROM VINNY'S PIZZA PIZZERIA:
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND
OURSELVES A COUPLE OF SLICES
OF ZA.
CHEESE PIZZA:
PEPPERONI PIZZA:
HAM AND PINEAPPLE PIZZA:
AND THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE: YOUR
HONOR:
I REST MY CASE:
COUNSELLORS: APPROACH THE
BENCH:
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
I CAUGHT HIM IN A LIE:
HE SAID HE WAS HAVING' ZA BUT
THERE WAS NO LASAGNA ON THE
MENU:
EXCUSE ME?
HE SAID HE WAS HAVING ZA: BUT
THE MENU I JUST READ HAD NO
LASAGNA ON IT
YOU KNOW ZA IS SLANG FOR
PIZZA RIGHT?
FALSE IT'S LASAGNA:
URN, CLEARLY MY COLLEAGUE IS
CONFUSED:
YOU DON'T MAKE NICKNAMES BASED
ON HOW THINGS ARE SPELLED: YOU MAKE
THEM ON HOW THEY SOUND:
EVEN IF THAT'S THE CASE IT
DOESN'T APPLY HERE:
MAY I ELABORATE:
YOU MAY:
BUT I HOPE IT'S GOING SOMEWHERE
COUNSELLOR FOR YOUR SAKE:
IT'S LASAGNA, ZANIA: ZA,
PIZZA: SUH, SEE?
LASAGNA, ZANIA: ZA,
SUH, PIZZA:
ZANIA: ZA,
PIZZA: SUH.
LASAGNA, ZA, PIZZA: SUH.
MR. WILLIAMS: WHAT WERE YOU
EATING?
I OBJECT:
OVERRULED:
MR. WILLIAMS: PLEASE ANSWER THE
QUESTION:
ZA.
SO WHEN THE YOUNG MAN SAYS HE
WAS HAVING ZA: HE IS SPEAKING OF
LASAGNA:
THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS:
IT'S NOT PREPOSTEROUS:
LOOK:
IT'S PIZZA, SUH, LASAGNA: ZA,
LASAGNA PIZZA, SUH, LASAGNA:
ZA, ZA, ZA.
IT'S NOT PIZZA: BECAUSE THAT
WOULD BE SUH, PIZZA:
YOU ARE PLAYING A DANGEROUS
GAME:
YOUR HONOR: TWO GIRLS ARE
DEAD:
AND I PINNED THE KILLER:
THIS YOUNG MAN: MR. ZA.
LASAGNA ZA: ZA, ZA.
PIZZA: SUH, SUH
YOUR HONOR:
YOU'RE HONOR:
IT IS PIZZA SUH AND LASAGNA ZANIA ZA
BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS CASE:
I HAVE ONE LARGE SUH HERE:
FOR MR: WILLIAMS THAT'S ONE
LARGE SUH:
RIGHT HERE DUDE:
THERE IT IS:
ALRIGHT I ADMIT IT:
I ORDERED THE SUH:
I KNEW IT:
LASAGNA ZANIA ZA:
YOUR HONOR, I RE-REST MY CASE:
IN LIGHT OF THESE
DEVELOPMENTS I FIND THE
DEFENDANT GUILTY:
THEN I GUESS I DON'T NEED
THIS PICTURE OF YOU AT THE SCENE
OF THE CRIME:
WAIT:
YOU HAD THAT THE WHOLE TIME?
YEAH: I NEEDED SOME REAL
EVIDENCE:
YOU CAN'T REALLY BANK ON THAT ZA
THING:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
> RIGHT:
YES.
RIGHT:
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING
I THIS:
OKAY:
DON'T CALL ME WITH EXCUSES:
JUST CALL ME TO TELL ME THAT YOU
FIXED IT:
I'M NOT YELLING AT IT:
I JUST EXPECT MY ASSISTANT TO
WORK AS HARD AS I DO:
WHAT?
YEAH:
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU: TOO.
OKAY:
♪♪
CAN I HAVE A COFFEE TO GO?
OH, AND ONE OF THESE DANISHES:
PLEASE:
♪♪
HEY!
DO YOU WANT TO KEEP GOING?
♪♪
NO, SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T SHAVE:
IT'S FOR A PART:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN A PART?
WHAT'S THAT?
A ROLE IN A MOVIE:
WHAT?
YEAH I'M JAMES FRANCO:
YOU'RE JAMES FRANCO:
YEAH:
OH, MY GOD.
NO.
I SPENT OVER $1500 ON YOU TODAY:
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
I MEAN PEOPLE GIVE ME FREE
THINGS ALL THE TIME:
I'M A FAMOUS PERSON:
GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT:
JAMES FRANCO:
DO YOU WANT AN AUTOGRAPH OR A
SELFIE?
OH, MY GOD.
THAT REMINDS ME: I THREW MY
PHONE OUT:
YEAH:
I FEEL REALLY BAD:
GET OUT:
OKAY:
ALL RIGHT:
SHOULD I LEAVE THESE BAGS?
TAKE THEM?
GET OUT JAMES FRANCO:
OH, MY GOD, I CIRCLED JOBS FOR
YOU IN THE PAPER:
WHAT KIND OF JOBS?
I DO A LOT OF JOBS:
OH, NO, DON'T DO THAT:
JAMES FRANCO:
NOT HERE:
YOU HAVE A BIG HEART:
I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT:
OH, THANK YOU:
"DISASTER ARTIST:”
WHAT?
THE "DISASTER ARTIST:”
IT'S IN THEATERS NOW:
ARE YOU STILL HERE?
GO HOME:
GO TO SET.
I HEARD THE PHRASE "OSCAR
WORTHY" A COUPLE OF TIMES:
MERRY CHRISTMAS:
JAMES FRANCO:
♪♪
ONCE AGAIN: SZA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪♪
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE: LOVE
'LONG AS WE GOT
LOVE, LOVE: LOVE
♪♪
LONG AS WE GOT
♪♪
DO WHATEVER WE WANT
LOVE WHATEVER WE WANT
GIVE WHATEVER I WANT:
WHATEVER I NEED IT'S ABOUT ♪
♪
♪ DONE WITH THESE
I DON'T LOVE THESE
LONG AS WE GOT LOVE, LOVE:
LOVE ♪
♪ LONG AS WE GOT ♪
♪ WITH THESE: I DON'T LOVE
THESE: I DUST OFF THESE ♪
♪ I DO IT FOR FUN ♪
♪ DOES IT GET PERSONAL ♪
♪ PERSONALLY I'M SURPRISED YOU
CALLED ME AFTER THE THINGS I
SAID ♪
♪
SKRT SKRT ON EM
SKRT UP ON EM TRUE
SKRT DOWN: YOU ACTING♪
♪ LIKE ME
ACTING LIKE WE WASN'T
MORE THAN A SUMMER FLING
I SAID FAREWELL: YOU
TOOK IT WELL TRUE♪
♪ PROMISE I WON'T CRY OVER
SPILLED MILK OOH NO
I WON'T
GIMME A PAPER TOWEL
GIMME ANOTHER VALIUM♪
♪ GIMME ANOTHER HOUR OR
TWO HOUR WITH YOU
WHY YOU BOTHER ME WHEN
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T
WANT ME♪
♪ WHY YOU BOTHER ME WHEN
YOU KNOW YOU GOT A WOMAN
WHY YOU HIT ME WHEN YOU
KNOW YOU KNOW BETTER♪
♪ KNOW YOU KNOW BETTER
KNOW YOUR CREW BETTER
THAN YOU DO
CALL ME LOOKING FOR YA
I BE LOOKING FOR YA♪
♪ GOT ME LOOKING FORWARD
TO WEEKENDS YAH
WITH YOU BABY WITH YOU
BABY
WITH YOU BABY TRUE♪
♪ WITH YOU
WE DO WHATEVER WE WANT
GO WHEREVER WE WANT
LOVE HOWEVER WE WANT♪
IT DON'T MATTER
YOU'LL DO WHATEVER I
WANT GET WHATEVER I WANT
GET WHATEVER I NEED
IT'S ABOUT♪
♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE: LOVE
'LONG AS WE GOT
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE: 'LONG
AS WE GOT
♪♪
WITH YOUR FRIENDS: WITH YOU
EQUAL TIME, OR YOU FADE TO GO:
LOOKING FOR THE NIGHT WHEN IT
ALL DEPEND ON YOU:
IT BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I WIDE
OPEN AND WIDE OPEN LIKE WA: WA
THREE MINUTES: SIX MINUTES
BECAUSE MY NAME ON IT: YOU CAME
ON IT.
THREE MINUTES, BABY PIPE DOWN:
I BEEN LOOKING GOOD ♪
♪ I BEEN FEELING NICE WORKING ON
MY OWN.
CLEANING UP: WORKING OVERTIME ♪
♪.
AND SO PHONE NUMBER, NO CHANGE:
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE: LOVE ♪
♪ I NEED:
AS LONG AS WE GOT ♪
♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE LOVE:
LOVE ♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> I'LL BE IN IN A MINUTE: MOM
I'M JUST FINISHING UP A CALL:
YEAH, SORRY:
MY MOM IS DOING A WHOLE THING:
FRANCO FAMILY REUNION FOR, YEAH:
THE HOLIDAYS:
YEAH: A LOT OF PEOPLE I HAVEN'T
SEEN IN FOREVER:
ANYWAY I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU
LATER OKAY?
ALL RIGHT:
BYE.
JAMES?
LITTLE JAMIE?
I'M SORRY:
WHO ARE YOU?
IT'S ME, YOUR COUSIN:
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA:
WAIT A SECOND:
MANDY?
YEAH, MANDY:
PRETTY MANDY:
OH, MY GOD.
HI.
WOW.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?
LIKE 20 YEARS?
YEAH: MAN, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF
CATCHING UP TO DO:
SO DO YOU STILL GO SWIMMING?
YEAH, I STILL SWIM SOMETIMES:
YEAH?
AND DO YOU STILL EAT CANDY?
YEAH:
I EAT CANDY:
YEAH:
GOOD FOR YOU: MAN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT GOING TO BEAT AROUND THE
BUSH:
I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
OH, LOOK: I THINK I KNOW
YOU'RE GOING TO ASK:
DO YOU NEED HELP?
WHAT?
DO YOU NEED HELP?
BECAUSE I HEARD YOU
HAVE GOT SOME MOVIE COMING OUT:
I HEARD IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A
BAD MOVIE:
"DISASTER ARTIST"?
IT'S BASED ON A GUY WHO MADE A
BAD MOVIE:
OKAY, WHATEVER YOU SAY: MAN.
BUT DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU
USED TO MAKE GOOD MOVIES?
LIKE ONE WITH THE APES:
COME ON, LET ME HELP YOU:
NO, LOOK, MANDY, I'M GOOD:
I'M GOOD:
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HOW YOU BEEN?
ME?
IN OCTOBER I HIT A
BULL'S EYE.
A BULL'S EYE?
LIKE IN DARTS?
YEAH: MAN.
I WAS THE ONLY PERSON AT
QUICKIES TO HIT THE BULL'S EYE
THAT DAY:
SO THEY EVEN NAMED A DRINK AFTER ME:
THE PRETTY MANDY:
WHAT WAS IN IT?
GIN.
WHAT ELSE?
A STRAW:
LOOK: MAN, YOU TRIED TO CHANGE
THE SUBJECT:
LET ME HELP YOU:
NO, MANDY, I'M DOING GREAT:
MY MOVIE: WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE SAYING THEY LIKE: IT COMES
OUT AROUND CHRISTMAS:
OH, SURE LIKE THAT NORTH
KOREA FLICK:
"THE INTERVIEW:”
YEAH, RIGHT, YOUR MOVIE:
MAN, I TOLD MY FRIENDS CLIFF AND
PIG THAT MY COUSIN HAD A MOVIE
COMING OUT:
AND WE WENT TO GET TICKETS: AND
IT WAS CANCELED:
YOU EMBARRASSED ME: MAN.
THAT WASN'T MY FAULT:
THEATERS REFUSED TO SHOW IT:
IT WAS SO BAD THEY REFUSED TO
SHOW IT?
NO, NO.
THEY STILL RELEASED IT ON
CRACKLE:COM.
CRACKLE:COM?
SO ZERO PEOPLE SAW IT?
I CAN TELL YOU ARE GETTING
DEFENSIVE, SO LET'S STOP IT MAN:
ARE YOU STILL BROTHERS WITH
DAVE?
YEAH HE'S MY BROTHER:
HE'S RIGHT INSIDE:
WHY.
YOU KNOW: MY BROTHER DON'T TALK
THE ME NO MORE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
I GOT TOO BIG FOR HIM WHEN I
HIT THAT BULL ‐‐
THE BULL'S EYE.
YEAH: MAN.
HE GOT JEALOUS: MAN.
BUT I THINK IT'S COOL THAT YOU
HAVE NOT DONE ENOUGH TO GET DAVE
JEALOUS OF YOU:
OM COME ON: LET ME HELP YOU IN
AND OUT MAN:
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
DO YOU NEED MONEY:
DO YOU NEED A DART THAT HIT A
BULL'S EYE.
I DON'T NEED ANY HELP:
LOOK: I HAVE A VERY SUCCESSFUL
CAREER:
I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR:
YEAH, BUT YOU LOST:
YOU DID: MAN.
YOU LOST THE OSCAR:
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD FIRE YOUR AGENTS:
GET WITH DAVES:
I'M GOING TO GO INSIDE AND
HELP MY MOM:
CONGRATS ON THAT BULL'S EYE, ALL
RIGHT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MANDY?
PRETTY MANDY:
DAVE:
LITTLE DAVEY:
WOW, YOU ARE STILL SMOKING
HOT.
GOOD FOR YOU:
YEAH:
WHEN YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT:
HEY, LISTEN: YOU'D TELL ME IF
JAMES NEEDED HELP: RIGHT?
HEY, HEY, YOU DON'T NEED TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT, ALL RIGHT:
LET ME WORRY ABOUT THAT:
AND, BY THE WAY: DID I HEAR THAT
YOU GOT A BULL'S EYE?
HOW?
I THREW THE DART!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> THANK YOU TO SZA:
STEVE MARTIN, DAVE FRANCO:
JONAH HILL, SETH ROGUEN:
LORNE MICHAEL: EVERYBODY IN THE
CAST:
THE WRITERS:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS:
THANK YOU:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪