OH, MR. PRESIDENT:
JUST CAME BY TO CHECK UP ON YOU:
OF COURSE:
YEAH:
I'M EMBARRASSED:
I ONLY WORE A CASUAL $10,000 SUIT:
YOU KNOW?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY
TO ASIA:
EVERYBODY DOES:
IN FACT: I SENT MELANIA ALONG
WITH A VERY CONVINCING LOOK
ALIKE:
DONALD: WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?
OKAY:
THEN: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TEN
YEARS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY:
PAUL, BELIEVE ME: MY STAFF IS
MUCH HAPPIER THAN THAT LOOK
ALIKE IS GOING:
THEY WERE TERRIFIED THAT WHEN I
GOT TO "JINA" I WOULD DO THE
SLANT EYES THING LIKE THE GUY ON
THE HOUSTON ASTROS:
HILARIOUS, BY THE WAY:
EVERYTHING IS SO POLITICALLY
CORRECT I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN
SAY ORIENTAL RUGS ANYMORE:
BY THE I WORK THESE ARE
FANTASTIC?
THANKS:
I GOT A GREAT DEAL: ONLY A
MILLION BUCKS BECAUSE I PAID
CRASH:
GOOD, YOU ARE SCREWED:
YOU ARE SO, SO SCREWED:
IT'S A SHAME YOU ARE GOING TO
PRISON BECAUSE I WAS ABOUT TO
GIVE YOU A HUGE TAX BREAK:
WE'RE CALLING MY TAX PLAN CUT: CUT,
CUT, BECAUSE IT WAS NAMED WHILE
I WAS HAVING A SMALL STROKE:
SPEAKING OF CUTS: DO YOU HAVE
A GOOD SHIV YOU CAN BRING TO
PRISON WITH YOU PAUL BECAUSE
AFTER THE STUFF I SAID ABOUT
CERTAIN ETHNIC GROUPS THEY ARE
GOING TO GO TO TOWN ON YOU IN
PRISON:
WHATEVER HAPPENS: SIR, I
WON'T BETRAY YOU:
I TRUST YOU PAUL: BUT JUST IN
CASE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO
TAKE THIS CONVERSATION SOMEWHERE
ELSE:
BUT I'M UNDER HOUSE ARREST:
I'M WEARING AN ANKLE BRACE:
WE ARE NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE:
BESIDES EVERYBODY
THINKS I JUST LEFT HAWAII:
THIS WHOLE TRIP YOU'VE BEEN SO
DIGNIFIED:
WHEN WE WERE IN HAWAII AND THEY
GIVE YOU A LEY YOU DIDN'T MAKE
THE USUAL TASTELESS JOKE:
YOU DIDN'T CALL PEARL HARBOR
FAKE NEWS AND FOR ONCE YOU DIDN'T FINISH
MY DINNER:
WHO KNEW BY KEEPING YOUR MOUTH
SHUT YOU COULD SEEM SO
PRESIDENTIAL:
DONALD: HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?
OH, DONALD: I HOPE I REMEMBER
HOW TO DO THIS:
I BROUGHT YOU IN THE SHOWER
TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN'T WEARING
A WIRE, PAUL:
THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING TO DO
THIS GONE GIRLS STYLE:
MR. PRESIDENT: I WOULD NEVER
DO THAT WITH YOU:
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID:
LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHES HAVE
SAID THAT:
SPEAKING OF WHICH: WHAT AN IDIOT
THAT HARVEY WEINSTEIN IS:
HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH
ALL OF IT IF ONLY HE HAD GOTTEN
HIMSELF ELECTED PRESIDENT:
BODY WASH?
I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU:
PAUL:
ALL I NEED IS FOR YOU TO GO TO
PRISON FOR A VERY: VERY LONG
TIME:
IN RETURN I STILL GETTING TO
PRESIDENT WHICH I HATE BUT I'M
TOO PROUD TO QUIT:
DOES THAT SOUND FAIR?
MR. PRESIDENT ‐‐
HERE, LET ME GET YOUR BACK:
MIKE PENCE: WHY ARE YOU
WEARING A SUIT IN THE SHOWER?
WELL: BECAUSE I'M NOT MARRIED
TO THE WATER:
I WANTED MIKE TO GET HIS
HANDS DIRTY: TOO, OKAY?
BECAUSE IF I'M GOING DOWN I'M
TAKING CHURCH LADY WITH ME:
MIKE, SAY CHEESE:
THERE WE GO:
IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS:
MIKE I'LL TEXT THAT PHOTO
STRAIGHT TO JESUS:
MR. PRESIDENT: CAN'T YOU JUST
PARDON ME?
UNFORTUNATELY IT'S NOT THAT
SIMPLE:
BUT WE HAVE A PLAN: A GREAT
PLAN:
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JEFF:
YES, MR. PRESIDENT:
DO YOU WANT A LOOFAH?
I'M ALL YOURS, JEFF:
I'M ALL YOURS:
ALL RIGHT:
HI, I'M WEARING A BATHING COSTUME
THAT I GOT FROM MY FAVORITE
PLACE: THE 1890s.
PLUS: I THOUGHT WE SHOULD ALL
GET USED TO WEARING STRIPES:
DON'T WORRY: YOU WON'T GO TO
PRISON, JEFF:
OH, I KNOW: BECAUSE I'M A
SNEAKY LYING LITTLE VILLAIN:
IF MEAN OLD MR: MUELLER COMES
AFTER ME I'M JUST GOING TO ROLL
OVER AND PLAY DEAD LIKE THE HALF
POSSUM THAT I AM:
AS JEFF HAS POINTED OUT: I
CAN'T PARDON YOU NOW:
IT WOULD LOOK TOO SUSPICIOUS:
YEAH:
SO WE CONCOCTED A GENIUS
SOLUTION, MR. MANAFORT:
OH NO, I DROPPED MY LOOFAH:
DON'T WORRY:
MY TRUSTEE LITTLE TAIL IS GOING
TO GET IT: NOW AS I WAS SAYING WE
HAVE AN INGENIOUS SOLUTION:
HERE'S THE PLAN, PAUL:
I CAN'T PARDON YOU NOW:
BUT WE ARE GOING WAIT A FEW
WEEKS AND THEN DRESS YOU UP LIKE
A TURKEY:
AND THEN WE'LL PARDON YOU:
IT IS A FOOLPROOF PLAN:
THOUGH THERE IS A SMALL
CHANCE THAT I'LL SCREW THAT UP:
TOO, AND MY FAMILY WILL END UP
EATING YOU FOR THANKSGIVING:
SO HANG IN THERE, PAUL:
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK: IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT!
> IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE:"
WITH:
FEATURING:
MUSICAL GUEST, MILEY CYRUS:
AND YOUR HOST, LARRY DAVID:
♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
LARRY DAVID!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
ALL RIGHT:
THAT'S ENOUGH:
YOU TOLERATE ME:
YOU REALLY, REALLY TOLERATE ME:
LOOK AT THIS:
WHAT A LOVELY GREETING:
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GREETING:
ANYWAY, IT'S NICE TO BE IN NEW YORK:
YOU KNOW: I USED TO LIVE HERE
FOR MANY YEARS:
AND I HAD NOTHING:
I WAS A TOTAL LOSER:
IN FACT: I USED TO WALK AROUND
OUTSIDE LOOKING FOR SPOTS TO
LIVE FOR WHEN I BECAME HOMELESS:
ONCE I FOUND A SPOT WITH A
VENTILATOR WITH HEAT COMING OUT:
I THOUGHT OH: MY GOD, I STRUCK
GOLD:
I GOT TO PUT A DEPOSIT DOWN ON
THIS PLACE:
FOR A WHILE I WAS A PRIVATE
CHAUFFEUR FOR AN OLD WOMAN WHO
WAS KINDA BLIND:
SHE WAS BLIND AS A BAT:
LET'S FACE IT:
I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH WONDERFUL
THINGS ABOUT THE BLIND BOSS:
YOU CAN REALLY GET AWAY WITH
MURDER:
THE CAR WAS FILTHY:
THERE WAS BIRD POP ALL OVER IT:
SHE HAD NO IDEA:
YOU KNOW: I DIDN'T ‐‐ I DIDN'T
DATE MUCH AT THAT TIME:
AND I WAS VERY DESPERATE:
YET, I WAS ALSO VERY PARTICULAR:
IT'S ON ODD COMBINATION:
YOU KNOW:
I HAD THAT IN COMMON WITH
QUASIMODO: THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE
DAME, WHO LIKE ME: ALSO HAD
NOTHING TO OFFER:
YET WAS EXTREMELY PARTICULAR:
VERY SUPERFICIAL:
HE HAD TO GO OUT WITH THE BEST
LOOKING WOMAN IN PARIS:
NOBODY ELSE WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR
QUASIMODO:
HIS FRIENDS WOULD TRY TO FIX HIM
UP.
QUASI: THERE IS A GREAT GIRL IN
MY OFFICE, LOVELY GIRL:
WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
SHE'S A GIFTED PIANIST: A
GOURMET CHEF:
I THINK YOU TWO WOULD REALLY HIT
IT OFF.
IS SHE GOOD‐LOOKING?
SHE'S GOT TO BE GOOD‐LOOKING:
IS SHE GOOD‐LOOKING?
QUASI:
LISTEN TO ME:
I TOLD HER ABOUT THE HUMP:
SHE'S COOL WITH THE HUMP:
AND I TOLD HER HOW HIDEOUS YOUR
FACE IS AND HOW DEFORMED AND
GROTESQUE YOU ARE:
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?
I DON'T CARE:
IT'S FINE:
YOU KNOW WHAT: WHO CARES ABOUT
THAT STUFF: IT'S ALL
SUPERFICIAL:
AS LONG AS HE'S NICE TO ME:
THAT'S WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT:
DOES SHE HAVE BIG JUGS?
I LIKE ME SOME BIG JUGS:
GOT TO HAVE BIG ONES:
LISTEN TO ME:
YOU'RE MUTANT: YOU ARE A
MONSTER, YOU ARE A FREAK:
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIX ME UP
WITH SOME DOG:
THE BIG DIFFERENCE--
I LIKE THAT SEGUE
THE BIG DIFFERENCE
IN DATING NOW
IS THAT I USED TO KEEP A CONDOM
IN MY WALLET:
NOW I JUST HAVE A LITTLE BOOKLET
LISTING WHICH FISH HAVE THE
HIGHEST MERCURY CONTENT:
REALLY COOL GUY:
IF YOU WANT TO SEAL THE DEAL:
WHIP OUT THAT LITTLE BOOKLET ON
A DINNER:
LOOK AT THIS: WE CAN GET THE
FLOUNDER: HUH.
WHO ELSE CAN TELL YOU TO GET FLOUNDER:
DO I TAKE CARE OF YOU OR WHAT?
I THINK I'M DOING QUITE WELL:
[ APPLAUSE ]
SHUT UP:
SO YOU KNOW:
A LOT OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT STUFF
IN THE NEWS OF LATE:
AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE A
VERY DISTURBING PATTERN
EMERGING: WHICH IS THAT MANY OF
THE PREDATORS ‐‐
NOT ALL: BUT MANY OF THEM
ARE JEWS:
AND I HAVE THREE WORDS TO SAY TO
THAT:
OY VEY IZ MIR:
I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN JEWS ARE IN
THE HEADLINES FOR NOTORIOUS
REASONS:
I WANT EINSTEIN DISCOVERS THE
THEORY OF RELATIVITY:
SALK CURES POLIO:
WHAT I DON'T WANT: WEINSTEIN
TOOK IT OUT:
I KNOW: I CONSISTENTLY STRIVE TO
BE A GOOD JEWISH REPRESENTATIVE:
[ APPLAUSE ]
WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME: I WANT THEM
TO SAY OH: THERE GOES A FINE JEW
FOR YA:
THERE IS A FINE JEW:
MARGARET: COME HERE
I WANT YOU TO MEET A WONDERFUL
JEW.
NOTHING STEREOTYPICAL ABOUT HIM:
IF NOT FOR THE SELF DEPRECATION
AND THE IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME
YOU COULD NEVER TELL IN A
MILLION YEARS:
YOU KNOW
I HAVE ALWAYS: ALWAYS BEEN
OBSESSED WITH WOMEN:
AND I HAVE OFTEN WONDERED: IF I
HAD GROWN UP IN POLAND WHEN
HITLER CAME TO POWER AND WAS
SENT TO A CONCENTRATION CAMP
WOULD I STILL BE
CHECKING OUT THE WOMEN IN THE
CAMP?
I THINK I WOULD:
HEY SHLOMO: LOOK AT THAT ONE FROM
BARRACKS EIGHT:
OH, MY GOD
IS SHE GORGEOUS!
I'VE HAD MY EYE ON HER FOR
WEEKS:
I WOULD LOVE TO GO UP AND SAY
SOMETHING TO HER:
OF COURSE, THE PROBLEM IS: THERE
ARE NO GOOD OPENING LINES IN A
CONCENTRATION CAMP:
HOW'S IT GOING?
THEY TREATING YOU OKAY?
YOU KNOW: IF WE EVER GET OUT OF
HERE: I'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU OUT
FOR SOME LATKES:
DO YOU LIKE LATKES?
WHAT?
WHAT DID I SAY?
IS IT ME OR THE WHOLE THING?
IT'S CAUSE I'M BALD: ISN'T IT?
ANYWAY WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MILEY CYRUS IS HERE:
STICK AROUND:
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME BACK TO THE PRICE IS
RIGHT:
THE FAVORITE SHOW OF PEOPLE WHO
ARE IN BETWEEN JOBS:
HANG IN THERE:
I'M YOUR HOST, DREW CAREY:
IT'S CELEBRITY WEEK:
HOLLYWOOD'S BIGGEST STARS ARE
PLAYING ALONGSIDE CONTESTANTS
FROM OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE:
STARTING WITH LIL WAYNE AND
RAMAL:
BITCHES LOVE LIL' WEEZY AND
LIL' WEEZY LOVES MOOLAH, BABY:
AND RAMAL JOHNSON ALSO LOVES
MOOLAH BABY:
TILDA SWINTON AND MARSHA:
I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE
PRICE IS RIGHT SINCE I WAS A
LITTLE GIRL GROWING UP ON THE
PLANET KRYPTON:
YEAH I'M GOING TO NEED ANOTHER
FAMOUS PERSON:
NO TRADESIES:
NEXT UP: FROM THE NEW "THOR"
MOVIE CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND
AMANDA:
G'DAY, I AM CHRIS:
I WALKED HERE:
I LIKE TO WALK: YEAH?
GET THE BLOOD PUMPING:
BACK HOME USED TO WALK
MUMUMALOO, UP TO KUTUMBA: OVER
THE HOXBURY RIVER:
AND THAT WAS ALL BEFORE I HAD ME
MORNING SALMON:
FIRST QUESTION: YES.
YOU ARE REALLY CUTE:
I'M SORRY, LOVE:
I'M MARRIED:
DO YOU HAVE A BROTHER?
AND BERNIE SANDERS AND DEREK:
THANK YOU:
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE:
[ APPLAUSE ]
I JUST WANT TO SAY: THIS SHOW
IS A TRAVESTY:
CONSUMERISM DISGUISED AS
ENTERTAINMENT:
THAT BEING SAID: I DO NEED A NEW
DINETTE SET:
ARE YOU OKAY?
BETTER THAN EVER:
WE ARE GOING THE WIN THIS THING
THE BERNIE WAY:
WHICH MEANS IF I LOSE: I'LL
BRING EVERYONE ELSE DOWN WITH ME:
WOO, BERNIE IS BACK:
AND THE WINNER OF THIS ROUND
WILL JOIN ARIANA GRANDE AND THE
LEGENDARY TONY BENNETT WHO ARE
STANDING BY AT THE WHEEL:
I'M EXCITED TO SPIN THAT
WHEEL WITH YOU TONY?
WHAT?
WE'RE GOING TO SPIN THE
WHEEL:
YEAH: MY GRANDFATHER WORKED
IN STEEL: TOO.
NO, THE WHEEL:
WHEEL:
THAT'S RIGHT:
JUST LIKE THE TINY LITTLE WHEELS
OF CHEESE YOU EAT:
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MOUSE:
SPEAKING OF WHEELS: ARE YOUR
INTESTINES SPINNING OUT OF
CONTROL?
IF SO, REACH FOR SOME IMODIUM AD:
THE AD STANDS FOR ANTI‐DUMP:
GIVE IT A CHANCE BEFORE YOU FILL
YOUR PANTS:
REACH FOR IMODIUM AD:
IT WILL KEEP YOUR COLON TIGHTER
THAN A SCOTSMAN'S COIN PURSE:
BACK TO YOU, BOB BARKER:
IT'S DREW:
IT'S BEEN DREW FOR TEN YEARS:
ALL RIGHT:
NOW, LET'S START THE BIDDING ON
A SAMSUNG HIGH EFFICIENCY
WASHING MACHINE:
OUR GUEST ANNOUNCER
SOFIA VERGARA WILL EXPLAIN THE
FEATURES:
YES, THANK YOU DREW:
THIS APPLIANCE: A BIG CAPACITY
AND FAST SPIN:
LIKE A CAT IN A TORNADO:
I'M JUST LAUGHING AT THE IMAGE I CREATED WITH
MY OWN WORDS:
THANK YOU SOFIA:
AND WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU HERE TO
PROMOTE?
PEPSI!
LIL WAYNE AND RAMAL, YOUR BID:
OH, MAN, I COULD REALLY USE A
NEW WASHING MACHINE:
WE BID $92,000.
WAIT:
THAT'S A LITTLE HIGH:
I'M A LITTLE HIGH:
HERE:
HAVE SOME SIZZURP:
IT'S BASICALLY POISON:
DAMN!
$92,000.
$92,000 ON THE BOARD:
TILDA AND MARSHA, YOUR BID:
OH I'M ALL RIGHT:
THANK YOU
I DON'T NEED ANOTHER TINY
SPACESHIP, MINE IS WORKING FINE:
WHAT IS THIS LITTLE DUTCH BOY
TALKING ABOUT?
IT IS A WASHING MACHINE:
A WASHING MACHINE:
I BID DAVID BOWIE'S SOUL: WINK
WINK:
I HAVE IT:
SOMEBODY CALL 911:
THERE IS A PISTACHIO LOOSE FROM
THE NUT HOUSE:
LET'S PUT DAVID BOWIE'S SOUL
ON THE BOARD:
NEXT WE HAVE CHRIS AND AMANDA:
WHAT'S YOUR BID?
I WOULD LIKE TO PHONE A
FRIEND, MATE:
AS I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU
MULTIPLE TIMES BACK STAGE THAT'S
NOT A THING YOU CAN DO ON THIS
SHOW:
TOO LATE I ALREADY DID IT:
IT'S MY BROTHER:
I RAN HERE AS SOON AS YOU
CALLED MATE:
ALRIGHT: HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK THE
WASHER COSTS?
WELL, IN THE OUTBACK MATE: WE
DON'T REALLY USE MONEY:
WE RELY ON A COMPLEX BARTERING
SYSTEM:
OH, NO.
THAT AIN'T GOOD:
WE BID 150 CROCODILE TEETH:
I LOVE IT:
PUT THAT ON THE BOARD IF YOU
CAN.
ALL RIGHT:
AND FINALLY, DEREK AND BERNIE:
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK:
DREW:
ALREADY A BAD START:
THE REAL PROBLEM IN THIS
COUNTRY IS AMERICAN CONSUMERISM:
WHO NEEDS A WASHER?
WHEN I NEED TO WASH THE ONE SUIT
I OWN, I JUST WAIT UNTIL IT
RAINS:
I STAND OUTSIDE FOR 15 MINUTES:
AND THEN I JOG BEHIND A BUS
UNTIL THE EXHAUST DRIES ME OFF:
OKAY:
COOL:
BUT I NEED THIS MONEY:
OH, YOU NEED MONEY:
I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO GET MONEY:
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO:
WHEN YOU GO TO A GAS STATION YOU
SEE THE TAKE A PENNY LEAVE A
PENNY, YOU ALWAYS TAKE A PENNY:
THAT'S HOW I BOUGHT MY FIRST
HOUSE:
OUR BID IS EIGHT CENTS, DREW:
AND THAT'S A GENEROUS PRICE:
THE ACTUAL PRICE IS $600.
BERNIE AND DEREK: YOU ARE THE
ONLY TEAM THAT DIDN'T OVERBID OR
BID IN NON‐CURRENCY:
SO YOU ARE OUR WINNER:
WHEN WE COME BACK YOU WILL HAVE
A CHANCE TO PLAY PLINKO:
SOFIA, TELL THEM HOW IT WORKS:
IT'S PLINKO!
THANKS SOFIA:
I LOVE THE WAY SHE MOVES:
SPEAKING OF MOVES: ARE YOUR
PIPES CLOGGED UP WORSE THAN A
PORTA POTTY AT LOLLAPALOOZA?
PLEASE DON'T DO THIS:
THEN REACH FOR DULCOLAX LAXATIVE TABLETS
YOU DROP ONE OF THESE PLINKO
CHIPS INTO YOUR TUM TUM AND
MINUTES LATER YOUR SPHINCTER
STARTS PAYING OUT LIKE A SLOT
MACHINE:
WE ARE TALKING THE LOOSEST SLOTS
IN CARSON CITY:
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
DULCOLAX:
WE'LL BLOW UP YOUR HOLE:
WITH MORE OF THE PRICE IS
RIGHT:
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> GOOD MORNING, GUYS:
HALLOWEEN IS OVER:
BUT I SEE SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE
STILL IN YOUR JOURNALIST
COSTUMES:
SOME OF YOU GOT THAT ONE:
IN A MINUTE I'M GOING TO TELL
YOU GUYS A SIX‐MINUTE RIDDLE
ABOUT TAXES:
BUT FIRST I'M GOING TO TAKE SOME
QUESTIONS: SO.
YEAH: KEITH ‐‐
SARAH: YOU CONTINUALLY DENIED
ANY CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN AND THE INTERFERENCE BY
THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT:
WOW, Y'ALL ARE OBSESSED WITH
THIS:
IT'S FRICKING LAME:
HOWEVER: SARAH IN LIGHT OF
INDICTMENTS HANDED DOWN THIS
WEEK: WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS HOW
YOU CAN CONTINUE TO STAND HERE
DAY AFTER DAY AND MAINTAIN THERE
IS NO CONNECTION TO THE
PRESIDENT:
WELL:
♪ IT'S TIME FOR ME TO
TAKE IT
I'M THE BOSS RIGHT NOW ♪
♪ I'M GOING TO FAKE IT
NOW WILL YOU GO DOWN
BECAUSE THIS IS MY GAME ♪
♪ AND YOU BETTER COME
TO PLAY
UH UH ♪
♪ WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ♪
♪ BEING CONFIDENT
LOOK: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
WHITE HOUSE:
OKAY?
AND WE BARELY EVEN KNEW THESE
GUYS:
THEY WERE LIKE
CARNIES JUST
MAKING THEIR WAY THROUGH TOWN:
ONE NIGHT ONLY:
ARE YOU ACTUALLY COMPARING
THE CAMPAIGN MANAGER TO A CARNIE
PASSING THROUGH TOWN?
UHH, THAT'S GOING TO BE A HELL
YEAH FROM ME, KEITH:
AND I WOULD JUST ADD SUCK MY ‐‐
♪ I USED TO HOLD THE
FREAK BACK:
NOW I'M LETTING GO
I MADE MY OWN CHOICE ♪
♪ BITCH I RUN THIS SHOW
YOU CAN CALL THEM LIES: BUT YOU
CAN'T MAKE ME BEHAVE:
♪
SARAH: THIS WEEK JOHN KELLY
SAID THAT THE CIVIL WAR COULD
HAVE BEEN AVOIDED THROUGH
COMPROMISE:
LOOK:
HISTORY IS A BOTTLE OF MOMENTS
THAT IS FILLED WITH TIME AND
HORSES AND INVENTION OF THE
TELEPHONE:
OKAY?
BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT: YOU
HAVE GOT TO TAKE IT UP WITH
FATHER TIME:
ALL RIGHT?
BRUCE:
THERE IS NO BRUCE HERE:
SARAH: CAN YOU AT LEAST
ACKNOWLEDGE HOW OFFENSIVE THOSE
COMMENTS ARE TO SOME PEOPLE?
NO.
NO?
NO.
YEAH, I GOT IT:
NO.
♪ YOU SAY THAT I'M A PUPPET
THAT I MUST BE
OUT OF MY MIND ♪
♪ ALL YOU MEDIA CAN STUFF IT
STUFF IT STUFF IT ♪
♪
KATIE, COME ON:
GIVE ME A FUN ONE:
NO.
OBVIOUSLY: SEXUAL HARASSMENT
HAS BEEN IN THE NEWS:
IS THE OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE
POSITION THAT THE 16 WOMEN THAT
HAVE ACCUSED THE PRESIDENT ‐‐
WELL, HANG ON NOW:
BECAUSE IT'S RIDDLE TIME: Y'ALL.
THIS IS GOING TO HELP YOU
UNDERSTAND THE NEW TAX PLAN: ALL
RIGHT:
TEN PEOPLE HAVE A BAR TAB OF
$100.
RIGHT ‐‐
♪ WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING ♪
♪
BUT THE EIGHTH MAN IS A
POLAK:
OKAY: SO HE'S DUMB AS A BOX OF
ROCKS:
♪ WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING:
MILK, MILK, LEMONADE: ROUND
THE BACK: THAT'S WHERE THE FUDGE
IS MADE:
♪ WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING ♪
AND YOU END UP AT THE
McNUGGET:
AND THAT'S TAXES:
♪ WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING ♪
♪ CONFIDENT
WOOOOO ♪
ARE YOU SINGING THE DEMI
LOVATO SONG?
HELL NO:
> WELCOME TO THE AD COUNCIL'S
ANNUAL AWARDS DINNER:
AND JUDGING BY THE BAR TAB: YOU
ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES:
TONIGHT: WE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT
THE AC ANDERSON LIFETIME
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD IN ADVERTISING
TO A MAN WHO LET US KNOW THAT
WHEN IT CAME TO McDONALD'S,
WE'RE LOVING IT:
AND ASKED THAT FAMOUS QUESTION:
GOT MILK?
I'M SPEAKING OF COURSE ABOUT
MARTIN HAMILL:
[ APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU:
IT IS A TREMENDOUS HONOR TO BE
HERE:
AFTER DINNER WE'LL TAKE
LOOK AT SOME OF THE AMAZING AD
CAMPAIGNS HE CREATED:
BUT BEFORE WE EAT: WE THOUGHT WE
COULD LOOK AT SOME OF HIS
EARLIER WORKS:
HE GOT HIS START BY CREATING A
SERIES OF PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENTS IN THE EARLY '80s
KNOWN AS THE SMART CHOICES
CAMPAIGN THAT WARNED TEENS ABOUT
THE DANGERS OF DRUGS, ALCOHOL:
AND OTHER ISSUES:
WOW.
YOU GUYS REALLY DID YOUR RESEARCH:
I WAS REALLY PROUD OF THOSE:
WE HELPED A LOT OF KIDS:
WELL LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT A
FEW OF THOSE GROUND BREAKING
PSAs.
♪♪
HEY, DOUG: DO YOU WANT A
CIGARETTE?
OH, COME ON:
DON'T BE A BABY:
IT'S COOL:
TRY IT:
SMOKING?
NO WAY.
THAT'S GAY.
IF SOMEONE PRESSURES YOU TO
SMOKE JUST SAY: NO WAY, THAT'S
GAY.
I HAD FORGOT ABOUT THE TAG
LINE ON THAT:
YOU KNOW, IT WAS DIFFERENT TIME:
THE WORD GAY WAS VERY COMMON
WITH KIDS:
IT JUST KIND OF MEANT BAD:
YOU KNOW, THAT HAT IS GAY:
YOUR CAR IS GAY:
SCHOOL'S GAY.
YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT: RIGHT?
WELL: AFTER YOU ENCOURAGED
YOUNG PEOPLE TO SAY NO WAY:
THAT'S GAY ‐‐
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT IT LIKE
THAT:
YOU WARNED THEM ABOUT THE
DANGERS OF BULLYING:
LET'S TAKE A LOOK:
DOUG?
WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH
HIM?
HE CAN'T EVEN WALK:
YEAH?
WELL: I CAN.
AND I'M WALKING AWAY FROM YOU:
ACTUALLY, LET'S ROLL:
♪♪
MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE WITH A
DISABILITY IS RETARDED:
OKAY:
OBVIOUSLY: THE ENDING DOESN'T
HOLD UP:
THAT WORD AGAIN:
IT WAS VERY COMMON:
HEY SHOULD WE EAT?
LET'S EAT.
THE DINNER ISN'T QUITE READY YET:
I'M AFRAID:
WE WERE GOING TO SHOW THE
ANTI‐DRINKING PSA WITH THE
INTERRACIAL COUPLE:
BUT IF YOU'D RATHER ‐‐
OH, NO.
NO.
THAT'S GREAT:
THE INTERRACIAL COUPLE:
YES.
PLAY THAT ONE:
OH, I DRANK SO MUCH LAST
NIGHT:
I'M SO HUNG OVER:
OH, ME TOO.
♪♪
WHEN YOU DRINK: YOUR CHANCES
OF MAKING A GOOD DECISION ARE
SMALLER THAN A MIDGET:
YOU KNOW I'M FEELING ‐‐ I'M
FEELING VERY SICK:
I NEED TO GO ‐‐ CALL AN
AMBULANCE:
YOU ARE NOT SICK:
SHAME ON YOU:
COME ON: CAN WE SEE SOME OF
MY MORE RECENT WORK?
YES, YES.
WITH PLEASURE:
YOUR FIRST BIG COMMERCIAL
CAMPAIGN PAIRED A BELOVED SNACK
WITH A BELOVED ENTERTAINER:
I'M SPEAKING OF COURSE ABOUT
JELLO AND YOUR GOOD FRIEND: BILL
COSBY:
LET'S TAKE A LOOK:
[ APPLAUSE ]
> YO, WHAT UP?
IT'S YOUR BOY SOFT SPOT:
IT'S YOUR MAN, HEAVY DIAP:
AND ME ONESIE:
AND YO GIRL, BABY SNACKS:
WA, WA.
WE GOT THAT NEW DANCE FOR YA'LL.
WE BABIES: SO YOU KNOW WHEN
WE GET DOWN YOU GOT DO THE BABY
STEP:
WA, WA.
LET'S DO IT, LARRY DAVID:
AND I AM NOT IN THIS:
♪ HEY WHAT'S YOUR NAME
ON INSTA
WE TAKING BABY STEPS ♪
♪ IS YOU GONNA
PAY FOR DINNER
WE TAKING BABY STEPS
YO ♪
♪ DO THE BABY STEP
YO ♪
DO THE BABY STEP
YO ♪
DO THE BABY STEP
YO ♪
DO THE BABY STEP ♪
YO ♪
I SAID I'M NOT DOING THIS:
DON'T CUT TO ME ANYMORE:
I'M SERIOUS:
COME ON:
♪ LET'S SPEND A WEEK IN PARIS
WE TAKING BABY STEPS
WHEN AM I GOING TO
MEET YOUR PARENTS ♪
♪ WE TAKING BABY STEPS ♪
♪ DO THE BABY STEP
YO ♪
DO THE BABY STEP
YO ♪
DO THE BABY STEP
YO ♪
DO THE BABY STEP ♪
YO ♪
♪ THIS IS PENNY
SHE SIPS HENNEY
SHE SAID HOW OLD ARE YOU
I SAID THIS MANY ♪
♪ I'M IN MY TERRIBLE TWOS
SO I DON'T CARE WHAT I DO
I AIN'T PREPARED
FOR NO RULES ♪
♪ BITCH I AIN'T WEARING
NO SHOES ♪
[KNOCKING]
OH, NO, NO, NO.
HERE'S YOUR BONNET:
BONNET?
NO.
THAT'S ‐‐
NO.
ENOUGH:
ENOUGH!
♪ I'M A CRAZY BABY:
YEAH THE BEST BE ME ♪
♪ I GOT ALL THESE MILFS
THEY TRYING TO BREAST MILK ME ♪
♪ AND THEM HATERS LOOKING AT ME
LIKE THAT BABY OTTA STOP IT ♪
♪ MAN WE UP IN THE CLUB
GET OUR BABY MOUTHS POUTING ♪
THE BABIES GET TO POPPING:
AND SHE LOVE THAT:
SHE LOVE THAT:
SHE A HOOD RAT:
AND I'M A RUGRAT:
ALL RIGHT:
CUT IT:
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE:
KEENAN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU ARE WEARING A DIAPER?
FOR THIS?
COME ON:
YOU KNOW: I CAN SEE CARL HERE
DOING IT BECAUSE IT'S HIS FIRST
YEAR:
BUT YOU?
I MEAN: HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE
HERE NOT TO DO THIS KIND OF
STUFF?
I WISH I KNEW:
YEAH: ME TOO.
NICE GOING, MILEY:
HI LARRY:
COME ON:
LARRY, MY NAME IS CHRIS:
♪ DO THE BABY STEP: DO THEN BABY STEP:
ARE YOU GUYS MAD AT ME:
YOU ARE GOING TO EDIT ME OUT
OF THIS, RIGHT:
I PROMISE YOU WON'T BE IN IT
AT ALL.
I PROMISE:
WE GONNA BE IN IT:
♪♪
> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
MILEY CYRUS!
♪ OOH I ALWAYS WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
♪♪
OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD ♪
♪ OOH I ALWAYS WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
♪ I ALWAYS WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
I CAN NEVER FALL ASLEEP I'M
ALWAYS THINKING BOUT YOU ♪
♪ WHAT LIFE WOULD BE
IF WE DIDN'T MEET
I ALWAYS WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD ♪
♪ OPEN MY EYES THEN
I'M ON MY FEET AND I WONDER
WHAT YOU WOULD DO YEAH IF YOU
COULDN'T RELY ON ME ♪
♪ OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT
I GOT THE PROOF
WE'RE HELD TOGETHER
JUST BY A STRING ♪
♪ AND WHILE YOU'RE HANGING
ROUND WITH YOUR CREW
I'M HERE BALANCING
TOO MANY THINGS ♪
♪ I ALWAYS WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
I'M SICK OF RUSHING
STRAIGHT TO THE SINK ♪
♪ YOU'RE ACTING LIKE
YOU AIN'T GOT THE NEWS
I DON'T EVEN REALLY CARE
WHAT YOU THINK ♪
♪ BUT WHAT I DO
YOU KNOW I DO WITH LOVE
I BELIEVE IN MORE THAN
YOU CAN SEE ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW
I'M NEVER GIVING UP
I AIN'T STOPPING
TILL I KNOW I'M FREE ♪
♪ OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD ♪
♪ THE GLASS CEILINGS GOTTA
BREAK ALL TOGETHER WANNA HEAR
YA SAY I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
MORE IT CAN TAKE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW IT'S GONE
ON WAY TOO LONG
DON'T YA
AND YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG ♪
♪ DON'T YA BUT I KNOW
I'M STRONG YES SIR
I WON'T GIVE UP NO SIR
AND WHEN IT GETS ROUGH ♪
♪ I GET TOUGH TOUGH
I'VE HAD ENOUGH ♪
♪ OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD ♪
♪ AND WHEN THE LIGHT
STARTS GETTING DIM
I'LL OPEN WINDOWS UP
AND LET IT IN ♪
♪ SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE
IT'S ABOUT TO END
BEFORE IT'S ALL ABOUT
TO BEGIN ♪
♪ OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD
OOH I WAKE UP
IN A BAD MOOD ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE:" WITH
COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU:
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE:"
I'M MICHAEL CHE:
AND I'M COLIN JOST:
WELL: IT'S ALMOST THE ONE YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF DONALD TRUMP
GETTING ELECTED PRESIDENT:
AND TO CELEBRATE: ROBERT MUELLER
THREW HIM A SURPRISE PARTY:
ACCORDING TO INDICTMENT ISSUES
THIS WEEK: FORMER TRUMP CAMPAIGN
MANAGER PAUL MANAFORT WHO ALSO
PLAYED SHOOTER McGAVIN IN
"HAPPY GILMORE" ILLEGALLY
HAD THREE U: S. PASSPORTS AND
TRAVELED TO
MEXICO, CHINA: AND ECUADOR
WITH A PHONE HE
RECOMMENDINGSTERED USING AN
ALIAS:
SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GUILTY
OF, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT NOTHING:
NO ONE HAS THREE PASSPORTS: A
BURNER PHONE AND GOOD
INTENTIONS:
EXCEPT MAYBE SANTA CLAUS:
PRESIDENT TRUMP LASHED OUT ON
TWITTER ABOUT THE INDICTMENTS
FROM THE RUSSIA PROBE AND THE
UNFAIR NEWS COVERAGE PROBABLY
AND I'M SURE HE BROUGHT UP
CROOKED HILLARY AND THE DEMS
SOMEWHERE:
LOOK, I HAVE GOT TO BE HONEST: I
DIDN'T EVEN READ ALL OF HIS
TWEETS:
I'M TIRED OF WATCHING THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
HAVING EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS ON
SOCIAL MEDIA LIKE HE IS TYRESE:
IT'S EMBARRASSING:
IF YOU WANT TO LIVE TWEET
MORNING JOE OR CUP CAKE WARS OR
WHENEVER ELSE YOU WATCH, FINE:
BUT INDICTMENTS ARE IMPORTANT:
AND YOU WORK FOR US:
PUT ON YOUR BAGGY SUIT:
FOLD YOUR HAIR
UP NICE AND ANSWER ALL OF OUR
QUESTIONS FACE TO FACE LIKE THE
PUBLIC SERVANT THAT YOU ARE:
OKAY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON TWITTER?
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WONDER IF
OUR PRESIDENT IS COMMUNICATING
WITH US FROM HIS TOILET:
IN RESPONSE TO THE TERRORIST
ATTACK THIS WEEK IN MANHATTAN:
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS PROMISED TO
END "THE DIVERSITY IMMIGRANT
VISA LOTTERY:" WHICH BY THE WAY
WAS NAMED IN ORDER TO MAKE FOX
NEWS VIEWERS HEADS EXPLODE:
OBVIOUSLY THIS ATTACK WAS
TERRIBLE: BUT I'M NOT SURE WE
SHOULD GET RID OF AN ENTIRE
IMMIGRATION PROGRAM BASED ON THE
ACTIONS OF ONE DERANGED
INDIVIDUAL:
I MEAN WE DON'T LOOK AT TRUMP
AND SAY: "WE SHOULD GET RID OF
ALL PRESIDENTS:"
REPUBLICANS ALSO ‐‐
[ APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU:
REPUBLICANS ALSO RELEASED
THEIR TAX PLAN THIS WEEK: WHICH
EXPLAINS WHY PAUL RYAN HAS BEEN
ROCK HARD SINCE THURSDAY:
RYAN SAID THAT UNDER THE NEW TAX
PLAN: A FAMILY OF FOUR WOULD
SAVE OVER $1,000, WHILE A FAMILY
LIKE THIS WOULD SAVE LIKE A
BILLION:
PAUL RYAN SAID THE NEW TAX
PLAN WOULD MAKE FILING TAXES SO
SIMPLE THAT PEOPLE CAN DO THEIR
TAXES ON A POSTCARD: BUT I DON'T
WANT SIMPLE TAXES BECAUSE IT
PROBABLY MEANS I WILL HAVE TO
PAY EXACTLY WHAT I OWE:
I WANT COMPLICATED AS HELL TAXES
ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PAPERS
WITH A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS SO I
CAN LIE:
WHEN SOMEBODY TELLS YOU: "HEY, I
GOT A GREAT TAX GUY:"
THEY DON'T MEAN: HE MADE TAXES
VERY SIMPLE:
THEY MEAN: "YOU ARE ABOUT TO
CLAIM YOUR FLESHLIGHT AS A
DEPENDENT:"
ADVISERS WHO ARE PLANNING PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S TRIP TO ASIA HAVE WARNED
OFFICIALS IN EACH COUNTRY THAT
TRUMP IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
NEW CUISINES AND PREFERS
FAMILIAR FOODS LIKE WELL DONE
STEAK AND ICE CREAM:
AND ALSO: THEY WOULD LIKE EASIER
MAZES ON HIS PLACE MATS:
[ APPLAUSE ]
LOOK: I DON'T KNOW IF THIS
TRIP IS GONNA BE GOOD FOR INTERNATIONAL
RELATIONS: BUT IT'S
DEFINITELY GOING TO BE GREAT FOR
COMEDY:
I MEAN THIS IS THE GUY WE ARE
SENDING TO ASIA:
DING DING, BONG BONG:
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
THIS WEEK SAW THE FIRST
ARREST IN ROBERT MUELLER'S
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION:
HERE TO COMMENT ON THE
SITUATION: OUR FIRST SONS ERIC
AND DONALD TRUMP JR:
YES.
THANK YOU:
THANKS FOR HAVING US:
YOU ARE WELCOME:
I WAS TALKING TO COLIN:
BUDDY:
WE ARE HIS GUESTS, RIGHT:
COLIN: WE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE
IT VERY CLEAR THAT OUR FATHER
DID NOTHING WRONG:
PEOPLE WHO BARELY WORKED FOR HIM
DID, BUT DAD KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT:
AND THE SAME GOES FOR ERIC AND
MYSELF:
YEAH:
I DEFINITELY BELIEVE THAT ERIC
HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON:
EXACTLY:
AND LOOK: PAUL MANAFORT WAS
AND RICK GATES: WE BARELY KNEW
THESE GUYS:
AND AS FOR THIS LAST GUY:
GEORGE ‐‐
DOCTOR OCTOPUS:
NO, BUDDY: IT'S NOT
GEORGE DOCTOR OCTOPUS:
IT'S GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS:
GEORGE:
PAPADOPOULOS:
PAPA:
DOPOULOS:
ALL RIGHT:
ANYWAY: PAPADOPOULOS WAS A PITY
HIRE, COLIN:
HE GOT COFFEE:
HE WAS A GLORIFIED INTERN:
HE WAS MY BOSS:
NO, HE WASN'T YOUR BOSS:
SO YOU GUYS ARE NOT WORRIED
ABOUT THIS MUELLER
INVESTIGATION?
WHO ROBERT MUELLER SHOULD BE
INVESTIGATED, COLIN: IS HILLARY
CLINTON:
AS WE LEARNED FROM DONNA
BRAZILE: CROOKED HILLARY AND
COMPANY DID SOME SHADY BACK ROOM
DEALS WITH THE RUSSIANS:
AND TRIED TO RIG THE ELECTION IN
HER FAVOR:
JUST LIKE DAD:
ERIC: YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH
YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY: BUDDY?
I ALREADY HAD MY THREE PIECES
TODAY:
THAT'S OKAY:
IT IS A SPECIAL OCCASION:
OKAY:
COLIN: THE BOTTOM LINE IS
THIS:
NOBODY IN MY FATHER'S INNER
CIRCLE ‐‐ ERIC?
ERIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING: BUD?
IT'S FUN DIP: MAN.
THERE IS SUGAR IN THERE:
WHERE?
YOU ZIP THE STICK IN THE
SUGAR: SEE?
THERE IS WHOLE THING OF SUGAR IN THERE:
YOU DON'T JUST LICK THE STICK:
IN THERE?
LIKE THIS:
DIP IT IN:
ALL RIGHT:
LOOK:
RIGHT?
LOOK: EVERYTHING OUR FATHER HAS
DONE: AND OUR FAMILY HAS DONE IS
COMPLETELY ABOVE BOARD:
AND NOW WE'D LIKE TO FOCUS:
COLIN ‐‐ IT'S GOOD: RIGHT?
NOT TOO MUCH: YOU ARE GOING TO
BE UP LATE, BUDDY:
WE WOULD LIKE TO FOCUS ON
IMPORTANT THING LIKE BRAND‐NEW
DEALS WITH THE TRUMP
ORGANIZATION AND GETTING A
LITTLE BRO TIME LIKE THE HUNTING
TRIP WE TOOK LAST WEEK:
I SHOT A DEER:
YOU SURE DID:
DO YOU WANT TO SHOW COLIN
THE DEER YOU SHOT, BUDDY:
UH‐HUH.
LOOK AT THAT:
RIGHT HERE:
RIGHT IN THE G, BUDDY:
PROUD OF YOU:
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY IS SO
GOOD WITH A GUN?
I CANNOT:
ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP JR:
EVERYONE:
> THE CEO OF AMERICAN AIRLINES
MET WITH THE HEAD OF THE NAACP
OVER ALLEGATION HAS THE AIRLINE
IS RACIALLY BIASED:
I BET THEY BOTH SHOWED UP LATE:
SEE, IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO MAKE
THAT JOKE BECAUSE I'M RACIST:
YOU KNOW: OF ALL THE STEREOTYPES
ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE I HAVE NEVER
HEARD THAT WE ARE BAD ON PLANES:
NOW IF YOU SAID THE NAACP HAD A
MEETING WITH THE CEO OF
LOWE'S MOVIE THEATERS, YEAH: THAT
TRACKS:
BUT BLACK PEOPLE ARE AWESOME ON
PLANES:
WE ALWAYS HAVE HEADPHONES:
WE ALWAYS LEAVE OUR SOCKS ON:
WE NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS
UNLESS WE ARE TELLING YOU TO
SHUT THAT BABY UP:
THE REAL PEOPLE YOU NEED TO
WORRY ABOUT ON PLANES ARE WHITE
WOMEN NAMED GAIL WHO COLLAPSE
WHEN PLANE LANDS:
MTV HAS LAUNCHED A SPIN‐OFF
OF ITS HIT "JERSEY SHORE" SERIES
SET ON THE COAST OF ALABAMA AND
FLORIDA CALLED "FLORIBAMA
SHORE:" WHERE THE CAST MEMBERS
CAN CONTRACT GONNORMIDIA:
A MOM IN WISCONSIN TOLD POLICE
SHE FOUND A PACKET OF METH IN HER
CHILD'S HALLOWEEN CANDY RIGHT
AFTER POLICE ASKED HER WHY SHE
WAS RAKING THE LEAVES NAKED AT
MIDNIGHT:
> THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF
SERIOUS NEWS THIS WEEK: BUT HERE WITH
HERE WITH "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"
"GOOD NEWS REPORT" IS EVERY
BOXERS GIRLFRIEND FROM EVERY
BOXING MOVIE EVER:
PLEASE WELCOME ANGEL:
HEY MICHAEL:
HEY, ANGEL:
SO HOW WAS YOUR WEEK?
I'M OKAY:
I'M HANGING IN THERE:
OKAY:
SO I HEAR YOU GOT SOME GOOD NEWS
FOR US?
WELL, YOU KNOW: TOMMY IS
FIGHTING TONIGHT:
SO I'VE BEEN BETTER:
WELL, I HOPE HE WINS:
YEAH, WELL: I HOPE HE STAYS
ALIVE TO SEE OUR KIDS GROW UP:
HOW MANY MORE
HITS 'TIL IT'S ENOUGH?
ARE YOU GOING TO THE FIGHT
AT LEAST?
NO.
I TOLD HIM IF HE FIGHTS AGAIN:
I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO MY
SISTER'S.
SO THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE.
YOU KNOW NOW:
AND COLIN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW:
TOO, WE'LL BE AT MY SISTER'S.
OKAY:
YOU KNOW WHAT: YOU ARE HERE
TO TALK ABOUT NEWS:
SO LET'S DO THAT:
HOLIDAY SPENDING IS EXPECTED TO
BE UP THIS YEAR:
OH, COME ON:
DID I SAY SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW: I HAVE BEEN HERE
BEFORE WITH YOU: HOLIDAY
SPENDING A LOT: OKAY?
YOU'RE UP.
AND WE'RE HAPPY AND THINGS ARE
GOOD:
AND THEN, BOOM, YOU'RE DOWN:
I CAN'T WATCH THAT:
YOU KNOW: I HAVE WORKED IN A LOT
OF BARS IN MY LIFE:
BUT I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY FOR MY
KIDS, MIKEY, NIKKI, AND PEPPERS:
OKAY?
SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS:
HOLIDAY SPENDING: I'M TAKING THE
KIDS TO MY SISTER'S.
OKAY:
DO YOU HEAR ME?
YEAH:
I KNOW:
DOES COLIN KNOW?
COLIN?
WE'LL BE AT MY SISTER'S.
I'M AWARE:
OKAY:
LET'S MOVE ON TO SOME GOOD
NEWS:
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS:
OKAY, OKAY:
APPLE PREDICTS ITS RELEASE OF
THEIR NEW IPHONE X WILL BE THEIR
BIGGEST OF ALL TIME:
OH, COME ON:
WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP?
EVERY YEAR?
A NEW iPHONE?
AND THEY TELL ME IT'S DIFFERENT
THIS TIME:
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T GIVE UP ON MY OLD iPHONE
AFTER A YEAR: ALL RIGHT?
YOU THINK ‐‐ YOU THINK YOU ARE
THE FIGHTER?
I'M THE FIGHTER:
I HAVE STILL GOT BY 4S: ALL
RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT:
YOU SHOULD REALLY GET A NEW
PHONE:
YEAH: YEAH?
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD I BE IF
I DID THAT?
YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING TO BE
THE DAY THAT PHONE COMES OUT?
YEAH: AT YOUR SISTER'S.
AT MY SISTER'S, WITH MY KIDS:
YES.
COLIN: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE
SAYING:
YES.
WE ALL HEARD YOU, ANGEL:
LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
HAPPY:
SNOOPY BALLOON WILL BE RETURNING
FOR THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY
PARADE:
OH, COME ON SNOOPY:
YOU'RE 60 YEARS OLD:
I CAN'T TAKE IT:
YOU CAN'T TAKE IT:
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN IT
TAKES TO HOLD YOU UP?
YOU'RE DONE:
YOU'RE BROKEN DOWN PIECE OF
RUBBER:
ALL RIGHT?
AND IF YOU THINK FOR A SECOND
THAT I'M TAKING MY KIDS TO THAT
PARADE AND NOT TO MY SISTER'S,
YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMING:
MICHAEL:
OKAY?
YEAH, I HEAR YOU:
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY: WHERE ARE
YOUR KIDS NOW?
AT MY SISTER'S.
EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND:
EVERYBODY:
I'M THE FIGHTER:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> A NEW REPORT RANKS THE NEW
YORK CITY SUBWAY SYSTEM AS THE
BEST IN THE COUNTRY:
THIS IS ACCORDING TO
MASTURBATING HOBO MONTHLY:
VERY IMMATURE:
NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL
IMPOTENCY MONTH: BUT I JUST CAN'T
GET EXCITED:
> THIS WEEK THE HOUSTON ASTROS
WON THE WORLD SERIES IN AN EPIC
MATCHUP WITH THE DODGERS:
HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS NEW
BASEBALL FAN, LESLIE JONES:
WHAT'S UP, COLIN:
HOW'S IT GOING LESLIE?
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A
BIG YANKEES FAN:
YES, I AM YOU BOUNTIFUL SNOWMAN:
FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS:
I LOVE TO SEE THOSE FINE MEN IN
THEIR TIGHT LITTLE PINSTRIPE
PANTS:
YOU SHOULD HEAR ME AT THE GAME:
HEY, GARY SANCHEZ: WHEN YOU
GOING TO COME HIT THIS OUT THE
PARK?
HEY GREGARIOUS: YOU CAN ROUND MY
BASES ANY TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE
GREG‐GORGEOUS:
I AM A DIE HARD FAN, COLIN:
LOOK AT THIS PIC: OF ME, AT THE
GAME:
THERE IS GARY SANCHEZ AT BAT:
AND THERE'S ME LOOKING AT THAT
ASS.
CALL ME, GARY:
THAT NET CAN'T KEEP US APART:
NOT FOR LONG:
WELL: YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
PRETTY UPSET THEN WHEN THE
YANKEES LOST IN THE ALCS TO THE
ASTROS:
OH, COLIN!
WE WERE SO CLOSE:
ONE GAME AWAY FROM THE WORLD
SERIES:
COLIN: HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN SO
CLOSE TO SOMETHING ONLY TO HAVE
IT TAKEN FROM YOU?
I DON'T KNOW:
YEAH:
THAT'S CAUSE YOU WHITE:
YOU GET EVERY DAMN DAMN THING:
BUT I WAS MAD AS HELL:
OKAY?
THAT LITTLE ALTUVE HIT ALL THOSE
HOME RUNS AGAINST US:
THE BAT IS BIGGER THAN HIM:
AND THE MVP: GEORGE SPRINGER HE IS PANAMANIAN
AND PUERTO RICO:
HIS NAME IS GEORGE SPRINGER:
COME ON MAN:
THAT'S THE NAME OF A GOOFY
MATTRESS SALESMAN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
EXCUSE ME:
HOW IS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT?
LET ME KNOW:
FROM THE HOUSTON ASTROS:
GEORGE SPRINGER, ALEX BREGMAN:
JOSE ALTUVE:
PEARLS:
SINCE WE ALREADY KNOW THAT
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WATCH
BASEBALL: WE WOULD REALLY LIKE
TO GIVE YOU A GIFT TODAY:
OKAY:
YOU CAN GIVE ME ANYTHING YOU
WANT:
THIS IS AM ASTROS SWAG SO YOU
CAN HOP ON THE BAND WAGON: TOO.
OH, WHATEVER:
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
OH, I LIKE BALLS:
I LOVE IT:
FUNNY: BECAUSE ACTUALLY
LESLIE WAS ‐‐
SHUT UP, COLIN:
I KNOW WHAT I SAID: BUT THESE
MEN ARE FINE AS HELL:
OH, I'LL TAKE IT ALL BACK:
CONGRATULATIONS YOU GUYS:
I LOVED WATCHING YOU ALL WIN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES.
I THOUGHT IT WAS SO SWEET THAT
CORREA PROPOSED TO HIS
GIRLFRIEND AFTER THE GAME:
IT WAS SO ROMANTIC
IT LOOK LIKE THIS DUDE IS ON ONE
KNEE RIGHT NOW:
IT'S NOT JOSE'S FAULT HE'S
SHORT:
OH, THAT'S OKAY:
COME HERE BABY: LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING:
YEAH:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOO.
NOW, THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I
USUALLY SAY AT ALL:
I MEAN, NEVER:
BUT GOOD THINGS DO COME IN SMALL
PACKAGES:
LESLIE JONES AND THE WORLD
CHAMPION HOUSTON ASTROS:
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN
JOSE:
I'M MICHAEL CHE:
GOOD NIGHT:
> THIS IS LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL HOME
ROOM TV CHANNEL HDMI 3:
COMING UP AT 9:30,
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS:
BUT FIRST: FRESHMAN CLASS NEWS
AND OPINION SHOW, FRESH TAKES:
GOOD MORNING LINCOLN HIGH:
I'M DUSTIN PURCELL: CLASS OF
2021.
WE ARE TALKING ALL THE CAMPUS
NEWS WITH OUR PANEL: SCOTT PAR
TECH, MY BEST FRIEND: BUT ON
THIS SHOW, MY WORST ENEMY:
HEY, SOMEONE HAS TO CALL YOU
ON YOUR BS:
OW, THAT HURTS:
AND GIVING US THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE:
MY FRIEND WHO IS A GIRL: I LIKE
HER, BUT NOT IN THAT WAY:
CHRISSY LANE:
THIS BAND‐AID IS FOR A CUT
NOT A ZIT:
CAN WE GET A FACT CHECKER ON
THAT:
AND LASTLY: HE'S GOT ALL THE
GOSSIP, AP HISTORY TEACHER: MR.
BURTON:
ALWAYS A BLAST, DUSTIN:
HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR GOSSIP JUICY
AS HELL:
IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND:
WE WILL GET TO OUR TOP
STORIES IN JUST A MOMENT:
WE ARE WAITING ON AN ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM THE NURSE'S OFFICE:
WE WILL COVER THAT LIVE WHEN IT
BEGINS:
LET'S START WITH THE STORY ALL
THE FRESHMEN ARE TALKING ABOUT
TODAY:
SOMEONE BEEFED IN FIRST PERIOD GYM:
IT WAS A CRAZY LOUD RIPPER:
EVERYONE LAUGHED:
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHO DID IT:
PANEL:
I HEARD IT WAS DAVID GOODMAN:
NOT A CHANCE:
DAVID GOODMAN IS A CLASS CLOWN TYPE:
HE WOULD HAVE YELLED SAFETY AND
OWNED IT:
I KNOW I'M GOING TO CATCH SOME
FLAK FROM THE PEANUT
GALLERY HERE:
BUT I HEARD FROM TWO CREDIBLE
SOURCES THAT IT WAS JENNY
HOFFERS:
JENNY HOFFERS!
SHE'S THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN SCHOOL:
SHE NEVER BLASTS ONE IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE:
SHE IS TOO POPULAR:
SHE HAS TOO MUCH TO LOSE:
SHE WOULD HAVE GONE OUTSIDE:
AND YOU KNOW IT:
WE ARE GETTING TOO HEATED:
LET'S HEAR FROM A SPONSOR:
LINCOLN HIGH MAGIC CLUB IS A
PROUD SPONSOR OF FRESH TAKES:
JOIN MAGIC CLUB TODAY: AND
DISCOVER WHY IT'S TRULY ‐‐ THE
KING OF CLUBS:
WELCOME BACK:
IT'S TIME TO HEAR SOME CAMPUS GOSSIP:
FROM MR. BURTON:
READY FOR THIS?
CHRISTIE HARMIER
AND DANIEL PURDHAM:
OKAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN: CAUSE
DANIEL IS WITH JESSICA PEREZ:
YOU ARE SO OUT OF THE LOOP
IT'S CUTE:
THEY BROKE UP AFTER ALL THAT
HOMECOMING DRAMA:
AND LAST FRY I HEARD DANIEL TELL
CHAD BRANDEL THAT HE
THOUGHT CHRISTIE WAS HOT:
THEN ON MONDAY CHRISTIE SUDDENLY
STARTS DRESSING EXTRA SEXY:
COINCIDENCE?
NO WAY.
THAT'S ALL FOR DANIEL:
MR. B I'M NOT BUYING IT:
CHRISTIE ALWAYS DRESSES CUTE:
CUTE: YES.
SEXY?
NO.
I MEAN: SHE WAS WEARING KNEE
SOCKS AND TIGHT BABY Ts.
GIRL IS CHUMMING
THE WATERS: AND THAT HORNY STUD
IS CIRCLING THE BOAT:
BUT I HOPE CHRISTIE IS ON BIRTH
CONTROL BECAUSE DANIEL PURDHAM
FAMOUSLY HATES CONDOMS:
> THAT WAS KIND OF WEIRD: MR. B.
LET'S HEAR FROM ANOTHER SPONSOR:
DRAMA CLUB:
HEY GUYS: AUDITIONS FOR THE
MUSICAL ON THURSDAY:
AND WE NEED GUYS:
OUR ONLY LIKE DECENT GUY SINGER
IS TOMMY SCHWARTZ: AND THE DUDE'S
ACTING SUCKS:
AND I HAD TO STAGE KISS TOMMY
ONCE AND NO LIE DUDE'S
MOUTH SMELLED LIKE A DIRTY DIAPER:
FOR MORE INFORMATION, SEE ME:
BRIT CAMBELL:
OR ME, TOMMY SCHWARTZ:
LOOKS LIKE NURSE PAM IS READY
TO SPEAK:
WE GO LIVE NOW TO THE NURSE'S
OFFICE:
THE RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK'S
SCOLIOSIS TESTS ARE IN:
BRIAN MACKIE: YOU HAVE
SCOLIOSIS:
COME SEE ME NOW:
WOO.
BIG NEWS:
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE THIS
MORNING:
TOMORROW'S TOP STORY: MR. B. IN
HOT WATER FOR COMMENTS HE JUST
MADE ABOUT STUDENTS' SEX LIVES:
OH, NO.
COME ON:
NOT AGAIN:
STAY TUNED FOR THE MORNING
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
FRESH TAKES:
> VINCENT, THERE YOU ARE:
WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING TONIGHT:
YEAH VINCE
WHAT'S THE RAZON DE LA FETE:
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?
I GOT MARRIED THIS PAST WEEKEND:
YOU DID WHAT?
I MET AND MARRIED A WONDERFUL
WOMAN:
SHE OPENED UP A WHOLE NEW WORLD
TO ME.
VINCENT, HERE:
POCKET SQUARE:
OH MY GOD.
LOOK AT YOU LAWYERS JUST SERVING
ALLEY McBEAL REALNESS:
I'M GAGGING:
GAGGING?
COME ON, GREG:
SHE'S GAGGING:
CANDICE IS GAY FAMOUS:
SHE KNOWS ALL THE LINGO:
WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET?
MYKONOS:
GREECE:
NO, THE OTHER ONE:
YES, FOOL, GREECE:
ALL RIGHT:
SO CANDICE: WHAT DO YOU DO?
APPEARANCES:
YEAH:
SHE DOES THE WHOLE GAY CIRCUIT:
SHE'S BIG WITH THE TWINKS:
DADDIES: AND EVEN THE TECHNO
SLUTS:
THE GAY WORLD ISN'T JUST ONE
THING:
IT IS A COMPLEX TAPESTRY OF
CULTURES:
YOU KNOW, LIKE SOUTH AMERICA:
I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM HER:
YEAH, YEAH:
I'M BASICALLY THE KITTY
AMBASSADOR TO THE TWINK REPUBLIC
OF QUAUNK:
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
JAN, ARE YOU PAYING
ATTENTION?
SHE SAYS SHE IS THE KITTY
AMBASSADOR TO THE TWINK REPUBLIC
OF QUAUNK:
SO DOES THAT MEAN
ARE YOU A SINGER?
SINGER?
SHE'S AN ENTERTAINER:
LIKE LATER TONIGHT SHE IS
CO‐HOSTING POWER BOTTOM AT YAS
TWINK:
YEAH, YEAH:
YOU GUYS CAN COME: BUT YOU HAVE
TO BRING THREE FRIENDS AND THEY
HAVE TO BE EITHER BUFF, CUTE, OR RUDE:
TWO OUT OF THREE:
OH, I GOT TO GO:
XAVIER IS ALMOST SET UP
SET UP?
YEAH, SHE'S GONNA PERFORM FOR US:
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING: HOW
OLD DO YOU THINK SHE IS?
YOUR NEW WIFE CANDICE?
YEAH, YEAH, SHE WON'T TELL ME:
SHE'S EITHER 18 OR 55:
EITHER WAY, SHE'S' TIMELESS A: F.
YOU ARE HAPPY: THEN WE ARE
HAPPY FOR YOU:
CHEERS:
HEY QUEERS: ARE YOU BITCHES
READY TO MAKE NASTY:
HELLO, CALLED A RESPONSE:
ANSWER HER:
YES, YES, WE'RE HERE:
I SAID, WHERE ARE ME QUEENS:
ANSWER HER:
I SAID: WHO IS QUEER IN THE
HOUSE:
SURE, I'LL BE, I GUESS:
SEE.
♪ BOYS IN HIGH HEELS
GETTING HIGHER AND HIGHER
QUEENS GETTING SNATCH
AS THEIR DRAGS UNINSPIRED ♪
♪ ATTENTION: EMBRACES
HE'S JUST AS CRAZY
I ONLY WORK
FOR THE MONEY ♪
♪ OH, OH, SAY IT
OH, OH, SAY IT ♪
♪♪
SO WHAT IS THIS SONG ABOUT?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
ARE YOU LISTENING?
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE
CLUB AND THE A LIST QUEENS AND
TWINKS ARE UP FRONT WITH THE
MOLLY CROWD:
AND IN THE BACK HALF: YOU'RE
TROLLS AND THE LOWEST OF QUEENS:
JUST HATERS LOOKING FOR
PROBLEMS:
BUT SHE DOESN'T DO IT FOR THE
APPROVAL: NO.
NO.
SHE DOES IT FOR THE MONEY AND
THE JEVENCHI:
IT'S EMPOWERING MAN:
OKAY:
WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?
OH, I LOVE THIS PART:
NOW SHE'S SIMULATING SEX WITH
ALL HER GAY DANCERS:
IT'S FUN.
I BOUGHT FIVE TICKETS TO THE
TRAIN:
♪ YI ER SAN SI♪
DID SHE JUST COUNT TO FIVE IN
MANDARIN?
TO FOUR: SHE DOESN'T KNOW
FIVE:
WHY DOES SHE HAVE FIVE
TICKETS FOR THE TRAIN THEN?
BECAUSE THE SQUAD HAS FOUR
QUEENS, PLUS HER MAKES FIVE:
YOU KNOW WHAT ‐‐ YOU KNOW WHAT
GET OUT:
JUST GET THE HELL OUT:
I WANT YOU OFF THE PROPERTY NOW:
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE:
YOU ARE FIRED:
GET OUT:
EVERYTHING OKAY?
YOU GOT SO MAD:
YEAH:
I'M SORRY:
I TOOK MY PREP ON AN EMPTY
STOMACH:
VINCENT BABY, WE NEED TO GET GOING:
WE NEED TO GET TO MY GIG:
OH, LOOK AT THE TIME:
WE GOTTA GO NOW IF WE WANT TO BE
AT POWER BOTTOMS FOR HER:
YOU KNOW, 3:30 A. M. PERFORMANCE:
OKAY:
BUT WE DO HAVE A MEETING AT 6:00 A. M.
YEAH: WE GOT THAT 6:00 A. M.
MEETING:
RIGHT:
WE HAVE TIME TO HEAR ONE SONG:
AND THEN GO: WHICH IS PERFECT
BECAUSE AFTER THAT THE CLUB IS
OVERRUN WITH THIRSTY BOTTOM
FEEDERS:
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT:
WHAT IS A THIRSTY BOTTOM
FEEDER?
GIRL, PLEASE: LIKE YOU DON'T
KNOW?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
> ONCE AGAIN, MILEY CYRUS:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME
AND I I WOULD DIE FOR YOU
AND THERE'VE BEEN TIMES WHERE
I'M UP ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ CRYING IN THE DARK
SO I SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON
AND I'VE HEARD I'VE GOT
WORDS LIKE THE KNIFE ♪
♪ THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW
I CHOOSE JUST SO WISELY
BUT I SEE TREES AND
THEIR COLORED LEAVES ♪
♪ WHEN I THINK ABOUT
ALL THAT WE COULD BE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE GONE
TIME MOVES SO SLOW
LIKE THE GRASS
I'VE WATCHED US GROW ♪
♪ I'VE HEARD YOU REAP
ONLY WHAT YOU'LL SOW
HOW COULD I NEVER
LET YOU KNOW ♪
♪ THAT YOU YOU'RE
EVERYTHING TO ME
YOU'RE SWEETER THAN CANDY
AND BETTER THAN ANY ♪
♪ CHILDHOOD DREAMS
OH AND I AM YOURS
AND YOU ARE MINE
I HAVE YOUR HEART ♪
♪ I DON'T EVEN NEED A RING
AND I'D GIVE UP ALL I HAVE
IN EXCHANGE FOR WHO I LOVE
MORE THAN ANYTHING ♪
THAT'S YOU
♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE GONE
TIME MOVES SO SLOW LIKE THE
GRASS
I'VE WATCHED US GROW ♪
♪ I'VE HEARD YOU REAP
ONLY WHAT YOU SOW
HOW COULD I NEVER
LET YOU KNOW ♪
♪ CAUSE YOU
YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME
AND I I WOULD DIE FOR YOU
MY LOVE
YEAH I WOULD DIE FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE GONE TIME
MOVES SO SLOW
LIKE THE GRASS I'VE WATCHED
US GROW ♪
♪ I'VE HEARD YOU REAP ONLY
WHAT YOU'LL SOW
HOW COULD I NEVER LET YOU
KNOW I WOULD DIE FOR YOU ♪
♪♪
> WHAT IS THAT SOUND?
AND WHO DO I HAVE TO PAY TO MAKE
IT STOP?
I'M PRACTICING MY CLARINET
FOR WHEN MY COUSIN CJ GETS HERE:
OH YEAH:
THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE
OF OUR FISH WHEN WE GO ON OUR
BIKE RIDE TOMORROW?
I HOPE SO:
CJ LOVES FISH:
GREAT:
IN THE MEANTIME: DO YOU MIND
TAKING THAT THING OUTSIDE?
HEY.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY COUSIN: CJ.
JOSH AND MARIO, HERE I AM:
LET'S CELEBRATE:
GOT ANY BEERS?
PERFECT:
ONE FOR YOU, FIVE FOR ME:
COUSIN CJ: CAN WE ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
WHY NOT?
I AM YOUR COUSIN CJ AFTER ALL:
WHAT WE WERE WONDERING IS
WILL YOU WATCH OUR FISH WHILE WE
RIDE BIKES TOMORROW?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D ASK ME
THAT:
OF COURSE I WILL:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
LET ME GUESS: SNACKTIME FOR
MARIO?
AHHH!
CJ, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
THERE:
SORRY ABOUT THAT:
WE NEED MORE BEER:
WHAT ABOUT FEEDING THE FISH
TOMORROW?
WHO CARES:
BEER IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME:
WE'RE ALL OUT: CJ, AND THAT'S
THAT:
♪♪
GOOD MORNING MARIO:
SLEEP WELL?
NO, I DIDN'T.
AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHY:
WHO CARES?
♪♪
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
ME AND MARIO WERE JUST
GOOFING AROUND:
RIGHT MARIO?
YEAH:
JUST GOOFING AROUND:
HEY, JOSH: CAN WE TALK IN
PRIVATE?
SURE:
IT'S YOU'RE COUSIN CJ: HE HAS BEEN
DRINKING A LOT:
AND THROWING CHAIRS AT ME:
OH, RELAX MARIO: HE'S JUST
HAVING FUN:
IT'S A VERY EXCITING TIME FOR
COUSIN CJ:
HE JUST GOT TO TOWN:
LISTEN: I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY
THIS: BUT I HAVE GOT TO TELL
YOU.
I THINK HE'S ADDICTED:
CJ?
♪♪
ALL RIGHT:
LET'S GO ON OUR BIKE RIDE:
♪♪
HEY, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO
DO TODAY?
OH, YEAH, HAVE A BLAST:
♪♪
HEY, FEEDING THE FISH WENT
GREAT:
YOU ARE LYING:
YOU KILLED THE FISH:
YOU USED TO BE MY HERO:
LEAVE ME ALONE, LOSER:
OH, NO.
I STABBED MARIO:
WHY WOULD I DO THIS?
BECAUSE YOU ARE ADDICTED:
ADMIT IT:
YOU'RE RIGHT:
I ADMIT IT:
I NEED HELP:
GREAT:
LET'S DRINK:
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> THANKS TO MILEY CYRUS:
ALEC BALDWIN, LIAM HEMSWORTH:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JOSE ALTUVE, GEORGE SPRINGER:
ALEX BREGMAN:
IT WAS ACTUALLY A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪