WELCOME BACK FROM BEDMINSTER MR. PRESIDENT:
THANK YOU SARAH: I HAD TO BACK:
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE
PRESIDENT YOU HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES SO I SKIPPED THE
BACK NINE:
I UNDERSTAND, MR. PRESIDENT:
SIR. MAYOR CRUZ OF SAN JUAN IS ON
THE LINE:
I WAS EXPECTING THIS PHONE CALL:
SURE YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT A GREAT JOB I'M DOING:
YES MAYOR YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME?
YES MR: PRESIDENT I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON THE PHONE:
I'M BEGGING YOU:
PUERTO RICO NEEDS YOUR HELP:
I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR AND YOU CALLED THE BEST PERSON FOR
THE JOB:
TRUST ME I KNOW THINGS ARE AS THE LOCAL SAY
DESPOSITO:
WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU MORE HELP TO YOU:
WE'LL GET YOU IMMEDIATELY PROBABLY BY TUESDAY OR
WEDNESDAY AT THE LATEST:
MR. PRESIDENT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH:
WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID YOUR BILLS:
FEMA TAKES A FEW DAYS UNLESS YOU JOIN FEMA PRIME:
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MA'AM I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS BUT YOU'RE IN AN ISLAND IN
THE WATER:
THE OCEAN WATER BIG OCEAN WITH FISH AND BUBBLES AND TURTLES THAT BITE:
WE WANNA HELP YOU: BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF
AMERICA FIRST:
WAIT:
YOU DO KNOW WE'RE A U. S. TERRITORY DON'T YOU?
I MEAN DO BUT NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THAT:
WE JUST NEED HELP PLEASE:
WOW, THAT WOMAN WAS SO NASTY:
MR. PRESIDENT I GOT TO BE HONEST
THIS IS ONLY GOING TO GET WAY WORSE:
I LIKE YOU SARAH: YOU'RE A STRAIGHT SHOOTER:
THAT'S WHY YOU OUTLASTED SEAN SPICER, SCARAMUCCI, BANNON:
PRIEBUS, GORKHA, YATES, AND TOM PRICE:
THANK YOU SIR:
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE FOLKS LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I'M NO
NONSENSE BUT I'M ALL NONSENSE:
YOU HANDLE THAT IN A NFL THING: JUST GREAT:
OH WELL I'M A LITTLE EMBARRASSED THAT I SAID IT'S A
BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE:
I SHOULD HAVE SAID IT'S A BLACK VS. WHITE:
IT'S DISGRACEFUL: YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY LOVE
FOOTBALL I COULD'VE PLAYED:
PEOPLE SAY I REMIND THEM OF AN NFL PLAYER BECAUSE I'M
COMBATIVE: I LIKE TO WIN:
AND I MIGHT HAVE A DEGENERATIVE BRAIN DISEASE:
BUT I WILL STAND BY YOU SIR NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY:
TRUST ME: IT MAY SEEM LIKE WHAT'S COMING
OUT OF MY MOUTH IS B-A-N-A-N-A-S
BUT IT'S ALL PART OF
THE PLAN: THE MORE CHAOS I CAUSE THE LESS
PEOPLE CAN FOCUS:
WE'RE ALL GETTING SO TIRED SO TIRED:
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW LONG AGO DID I DECLARE WAR ON NORTH
KOREA AND THE ROCKET MAN:
FOUR MONTHS?
WRONG: IT WAS LAST FRIDAY:
SEE A BENDING TIME: SO LETS KEEP THE CHAOS COMING AND SHAKE THINGS
UP AROUND HERE: SPEAKING OF SHAKING THINGS UP:
GET JEFF SESSIONS IN HERE:
OK ALL RIGHT:
AFTERNOON MR. PRESIDENT:
JEFF: HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE SO FAST!
WELL I LIVE IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK JUST IN THE HALLWAY:
I MADE FRIENDS WITH SOME MICE:
THEY TELL ME SECRETS:
JEFF I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING A FEW
CHANGES IN MY ADMINISTRATION:
OH DIGGY DONG:
YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME FROM THE BEGINNING:
AND YOU KNOW I VALUE LOYALTY:
YES MR. PRESIDENT, I'M VERY VERY LOYAL:
BUT YOU WENT AGAINST ME ON THE DOCA THING:
AND YOU WOULDN'T FIRE JAMES COMEY WHEN I NEEDED YOU TO:
I KNOW, I WAS A BAD BOY:
VERY BAD, VERY BAD:
I SHOULD NOT HAVE RECUSED MYSELF FROM COLEMAN CALAMITY:
I GOT SPOOKED:
JEFF I NEED SOMEONE WITH REAL BALLS:
NOT WHAT YOU HAVE WHICH IS TWO
LITTLE GEORGIA PECANS:
I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW:
I UNDERSTAND:
TIME FOR THE BELT:
I'M NOT DOING THAT YOU KNOW:
PLEASE DON'T TWEET ON ME PLEASE:
I CAN NOT GET TWEETED ON AGAIN:
THESE ARE SO POWERFUL: YOU FEAR THE TWEETS!
NO DONNIE: DONNIE PLEASE!
IT'S SO HARD WHEN YOU'RE SO DAMN CUTE:
COME OVER HERE TO DADDY:
JEFFEY: WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS!
THANK YOU MR. TRUMP:
I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN:
I MIGHT LOOK ADORABLE: BUT I'M FRIGHTENING:
YOU KNOW I'M NOT NOTHING IF NOT LOYAL:
YOU WERE THE FIRST TO GET THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ON MY SIDE:
AND I'LL ALWAYS BACK THEM UP BECAUSE OF YOU:
YOU'RE MY GUY JEFF:
SORRY TO INTERRUPT SIR BUT
CHUCK SCHUMER IS HERE: HE SAYS YOU'RE WORKING ON SOME
KIND OF SECRET DEAL TOGETHER:
YES. SEND THEM IN:
THERE HE IS:
HOW YOU DOING SIR?
READY FOR DINNER: I KNOW A GREAT PLACE
FOR SLICES: YOU'LL FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BACK IN
QUEENS:
GREAT: LET'S GO.
SIR ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING WITH HIM.
I TOLD YOU I'M NOTHING IF NOT LOYAL:
COME ON OVER HERE CHUCK:
WE'RE BOTH NEW YORKERS WE ENJOY A GOOD SLICE:
WE NEVER GO TO TIMES SQUARE AND WE LOVE SAYING:
LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE:
WITH:
FEATURING:
MUSICAL GUEST JAY-Z:
AND YOUR HOST RYAN GOSLING:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN RYAN GOSLING:
THANK YOU, THANK YOU:
I AM SO HONORED TO BE HERE
HOSTING SNL AGAIN IT'S MY
SECOND TIME IT'S THE SEASON PREMIERE:
JAY-Z IS HERE:
I MEAN I HAVEN'T FELT THIS EXCITED SINCE I SAVED JAZZ:
YOU GUYS KNOW I SAVED JAZZ RIGHT?
I MEAN I DID THIS MOVIE LA LA LAND AND EVERYONE WAS
SAYING THAT I SAVED JAZZ AND I GUESS IT WAS DYING AND I SAVED
IT. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I HAVE A
NEW MOVIE COMING OUT IT'S CALLED BLADE RUNNER 2049 VERY
EXCITING: IT OPENS IN A WEEK AND YES FOR
THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE CURIOUS I WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO THOUGHT
HE WOULD SAVE JAZZ:
I MEAN I WAS LIKE ME: RYAN GOSLING ALL LIKE A WHITE
KID FROM CANADA: I GUESS I TRY AND SAVE JAZZ:
SO I DID, ANYWAY:
THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT:
THE FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING ON BLADE RUNNER I MET HARRISON
FORD AND HE WALKS RIGHT UP TO ME AND HE LOOKS ME RIGHT IN THE
EYE AND HE SAYS RYAN WHAT THE HECK IS JAZZ?
WELL LET ME UNPACK THAT A LITTLE FOR YOU HARRISON:
I LEARNED THIS JAZZ ON THE MOVIE:
IT'S LIKE MUSIC IN MOTION:
THE NOTES ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER AND GIVING EACH OTHER
LITTLE KISSES:
SOMETIMES THE NOTES GET INTO FIGHTS:
AND THIS ONE THIS ONE STOPS TALKING TO THAT:
AND THEN THIS ONE IS LIKE SCREW YOU GUYS I'M DOING MY OWN THING:
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT:
THEY ALWAYS MAKE UP:
NOW JAZZ WAS BORN IN NEW ORLEANS OR AS
IT'S CORRECTLY PRONOUNCED
NERLENS AND THEN FROM NERLENS--
FROM NERLENS MOVED ON TO CHICAGY AND THEN TO NYC CITY:
AND LET ME TELL YOU JAZZ WAS THE THING JAZZ WAS WHERE IT WAS
AT AND THEN IT ALMOST DIED AND
I SAVED IT:
THE BUDGET FOR BLADE RUNNER WAS INSANE:
IT WAS LIKE NINE BILLION:
NINE BILLION ALMOST AS MANY NOTES AS
THERE ARE IN JAZZ:
BUT JAZZ JUST ISN'T ABOUT
THE NOTES YOU PLAY IT'S ABOUT
THE NOTES YOU DON'T PLAY:
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M SO GLAD I SAVED JAZZ: HEY WHAT'S UP MAN.
OH, HEY KEENAN: HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
WHAT'S UP. I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU IN
PRIVATE A LITTLE BIT: WE ARE HE DONE WITH THAT:
THANKS: DUDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT JAZZ AND NERLENS AND CHICAGY
AND UH: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU DO THAT:
SAID THE GUY WHO DIDN'T SAVE JAZZ:
YOU DIDN'T SAVE JAZZ. IT WAS SARCASM:
IT WAS A JOKE:
WELL, I DON'T CARE, KEENAN:
BECAUSE JAZZ IS ALL ABOUT GOING WITH THE FLOW: AND THIS IS THE
FLOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW:
WELL YOU'RE A BAD AMBASSADOR FOR JAZZ:
THESE GUYS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT: RIGHT? COME ON, HIT IT:
♪♪♪ YOU SEE THE SAX: THE
SAX IS RIPPING WITH THE GUITARS: HOLD ON:
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS: GUYS! QUIETER, QUIETER, QUIETER:
WHEN YOU PLAY JAZZ THAT LOUD: IT MAKES IT HARD FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR
ME TALKING ABOUT JAZZ: THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL HERE FOR:
ISN'T IT? RYAN, RYAN: COULD YOU COME
HERE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? EMMA, DIDN'T YOU HEAR: I JUST
JAZZED REALLY GOOD WITH THE GUYS: YOU JAZZED FINE:
UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RYAN YOU DIDN'T SAVE JAZZ:
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE TALKED ABOUT THIS?
A LOT. YEAH: A LOT.
BECAUSE YOU DID NOT SAVE JAZZ:
WE SAVED JAZZ: ISN'T THAT RIGHT NYC CITY?
YOU ARE RIGHT: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT: JAY‐Z IS HERE:
SO STICK AROUND: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE:
ONCE AGAIN: I'M AGENT MORRIS WITH THE N: S. A.
AND THIS IS SPECIAL AGENT FITZSIMMONS:
YOU THREE ARE OF GREAT INTEREST TO THE U. S. GOVERNMENT:
AS YOU ARE THE FIRST AND ONLY PEOPLE TO HAVE EXPERIENCED TWO
VERIFIED ALIEN ABDUCTIONS: [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MAN, THIS IS NUTS: LIKE ONE MINUTE WE ARE DRINKING
BEER IN THE KOHL'S PARKING LOT: NOW IT'S LIKE WE ARE CAUSING A
COSMIC CURIOSITY: INDEED:
NOW, CAN YOU TELL US HOW YOU WERE BROUGHT ABOARD THE
SPACECRAFT? FIRST OF ALL: I WOULD A LIKE
TO THANK YOU FOR THIS BITCHIN HAT.
IT FITS ME PERFECT:
I LOVE IT: EXCELLENT:
WE ARE GLAD YOU LIKE IT: TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: SIR,
IT WAS SORT OF THIS PATHWAY MADE OF
GOLDEN LIGHT CAME DOWN FROM THE SPACESHIP:
AND WE WERE JUST LIKE GENTLY USHERED IN AND LIKE FLOATED UP
INTO IT: THEN WE GOT UP INTO THE SHIP:
AND WE SAW THE ALIENS: GLOWING BEAMS MADE OF LIGHT: BEAUTIFUL
LIGHT: WELCOMING US BACK:
IT WAS AMAZING: I SEE, AND YOU:
MISS RAFFERTY:
COOKIE CRUMBLED LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME OVER HERE:
I WASN'T SO MUCH LIFTED BY A
LIGHT AS I WAS CAUGHT IN A NET: LITTLE BASTARDS SET A SNARE FOR
ME. NEXT THING I KNOW: I'M BEING
WINCHED STRAIGHT UP THROUGH THE
WORLD'S SAPPIEST PINE TREE:
MY SLACKS GET SNAGGED ON A BRANCH:
SO THEY'RE GONE: AND I'M HAULED ON BOARD:
WITH MY BUSH AND MY TUSH HANGING OUT:
AND I SEE MY OLD PALS: THE GREAT
ALIENS WITH THE BIG: FAT, STUPID EYES AND I'M HIT WITH THE
REALIZATION: "FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ON A SECOND DATE SINCE
2009."
NOW, ONCE ABOARD THE SHIP: WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL: THE ALIENS TOUCHED OUR FOREHEADS:
AND I SAW MY WHOLE LIFE: EVEN PARTS I HAVEN'T EVEN LIVED YET:
IN A LOT OF THOSE PARTS: I WAS WEARING THIS HAT:
IT WAS AS IF THROUGH THEIR TOUCH: I LIKE UNDERSTOOD THE ANSWER
TO THAT ALL IMPORTANT QUESTION LIKE, "WHY ARE WE HERE:"
WHAT?
THESE GUYS ARE TRIPPING OUT AT BURNING MAN:
MEANWHILE I'M STRANDED AT THE FIRE FESTIVAL:
I MEAN: I HADN'T BEEN ON BOARD TWO MINUTES BEFORE THE LITTLE
GRAYS START TAPPING ON MY KNOCKERS:
KEEP IN MIND: I HAVE GOT NO
PANTS: SO MY TACO AND MY CHACCO ARE OUT:
AND THIS ONE GUY
HE PEEKS AROUND BACK AND STARTS POINTING AT MY BUTT:
LIKE, WHOA: HOW DID WE MISS THIS?
INTERESTING: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEIR
DEMEANOR? LIKE SHOPPERS SWARMING ON
WALMART ON BLACK FRIDAY: THEY WERE DROPPING IN:
SCRAMBLING: A MAN SHOT MY CHEEK MEAT LIKE
IT'S PIZZA DOUGH: SOME WOULD KNEAD FOR A BIT
AND LIKE WAIT FOR ANOTHER TERM:
I MEAN
IF YOU COME BACK FOR SECONDS: DINNER IS A HIT: RIGHT?
I WONDER IF THIS WAS SOME SORT OF ANATOMICAL STUDY?
NAH I DON'T THINK ANY OF THESE GUYS ARE WORKING ON THEY'RE MASTERS THESIS:
HERE'S WHAT I THINK WAS HAPPENING:
YOU MIGHT HELP ME OUT, TODD STAND UP:
YEAH TURN AROUND, THANKS:
SO THESE GUYS DON'T HAVE BUTTS LIKE THIS BUTT:
SO I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE EVER SEEN A CRACK BEFORE:
SO MY THEORY IS THEY THOUGHT I
HAD BROKEN INTO TWO PIECES: YEAH?
AND THEY WERE TRYING TO PUT
HUMPTY DUMPTY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN:
THEY WERE TRYING EVERYTHING:
I MEAN THEY WERE PUSHING THEY WERE SLAMMING:
THEY'D TAKE ONE CHEEK AND KIND OF
JIGGLE IT FIRMLY AND THEN--
[SPITS]
AND THEY WERE MAKING A SOUND THE WHOLE TIME LIKE
[HIGH PITCH SCREAM]
ONE GUY WAS TRYING TO LIKE
PUNCH IT BACK TOGETHER LIKE HE WAS BREAKING IN A CATCHER'S
MITT: ANOTHER ONE OF THE IDIOTS WAS
JUST LIKE JAMMING HIS FACE RIGHT IN THERE LOOKING FOR THE
SOURCE OF THE RUPTURE: AND I WAS LIKE: "HEY, LAST GUY
WHO DID THAT GOT DOUBLE BARREL PINK EYE:"
THANKS, TODD: SIT DOWN:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, HOW ARE YOU ALL RETURNED
TO EARTH? WE WERE LED DOWN A PATH OF
GREAT LIGHT CRADLED BY WHAT FELT LIKE A BIG FUZZY MITTEN:
AND IT ALMOST FELT LIKE GOD HIMSELF WAS SORT OF PLAYING WITH
MY HAIR: AND IT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST
MOMENTS OF MY LIFE: RIGHT UP THERE WITH GETTING THIS HAT:
TODD, EASY UP ON THE HAT: WHEN THE ALIENS LEFT: I DO
REMEMBER LIKE FEELING HAPPY AND SAFE:
BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE, LIKE WATCH OVER ME:
THAT REALLY PUTS A BEE IN MY BEAVER:
I GOT PUSHED OUT A HATCH TO FIND OUT THEY LET ME OUT ON TOP OF
THE SHIP: SO I GOT TO SCOOT MYSELF DOWN
COLD METAL TO A JUMP SPOT: I FREE FALL 20 FEET DOWN:
I LAND ASS ON A POOL RAFT WITH MY PINK POCKET AND MY
STINK ROCKET ON FULL DISPLAY IN THE MIDDLE OF DANNY RANDLE'S
POOL PARTY: WAIT: WHO IS DANNY RANDLE?
BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME: BUT HE'S NEVER GOING TO FORGET
HIS 12TH BIRTHDAY I TELL YOU THAT:
WELL: IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND COMING WITH US: WE WOULD LIKE TO
RUN SOME MEDICAL TESTS: OKAY:
GREAT: JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW: SOME OF
THE BRUISES ON MY KEISTER WERE THERE BEFORE THE ALIENS GOT TO
IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY JEANS TELL ME I'M A MAN. MY JEANS TELL ME I'M A WOMAN:
THEY TELL ME I'M RELAXED: THAT I'M A SKINNY?
A CHILD: YOU DON'T KNOW ME, JEANS:
I'M NOT A STYLE: I'M NOT A STYLE:
THAT'S NOT ME: I AM NOT A CHILD:
I'M ME. I'M UNIQUE:
I'M WOKE: WOKE:
SO WHY AREN'T MY JEANS?
NOW THEY ARE: INTRODUCING: STYLE NEUTRAL
GENDER NON‐CONFORMING DENIM FOR A GENERATION THAT DESPISES
LABELS: LEVI HAS HEARD THAT IF YOU'RE
NOT WOKE: IT'S BAD. SO WE MADE THESE:
DEFINING SOMEONE BY THEIR STYLE: THAT'S
SENSELESS: THAT'S WHY LEVI WOKES HAVE NO
STYLE: WHAT'S MY SIZE?
WHY DON'T YOU TRY ASKING ME ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
MY WOKES ARE SIZE ME: THEY FIT EVERYBODY:
BECAUSE THEY FIT NOBODY: WHAT COLORS DO THEY COME IN?
COLORS? I'M TRIGGER:
THIS COLOR: CAN YOU LABEL THIS COLOR?
THAT IS THE COLOR GREB: THEY NOT BROWN: BUT THEY NOT
NOT BROWN: IT'S A HANDFUL OF COLORS:
NONE OF WHICH ARE DOMINANT: JUST LIKE OUR COUNTRY:
OH, WAIT: WOKE!
LET'S TALK POCKETS: POCKETS SOLD SEPARATELY:
YO, WHO SAYS I HAVE HANDS? ARE YOU GETTING THIS YET?
THE JEANS ARE WOKE: WOKE:
DO THEY COME IN MEN'S AND WOMEN'S.
NAH. DO THEY COME IN PERSON?
WHAT DO YOU THINK? THAT'S WHY WOKE'S GOT A UNI FLY:
180 DEGREES OF GENDER NON‐CONFORMITY:
MY JEANS LET ME DECIDE HOW I GO TO THE BATHROOM: DO YOURS?
WHAT DON'T YOU GET? THEY WOKE:
WOKE: GET WOKE:
WE'RE WOKE: YOU, HOLD UP:
ARE MY WOKE'S MADE IN SOME FACTORY BY INDONESIAN KIDS?
NAH, THEY MADE RIGHT HERE IN THE U. S. A. BY WHITE KIDS:
WAKE UP WITH LEVI WOKES: WOKE:
LEVI WOKE: AVAILABLE EXCLUSIVELY AT ROSS:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
> YOU ARE WATCHING HGTV: BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE SUCKS:
IF YOU LOVE THE "PROPERTY BROTHERS:" JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU
MEET PETE, ZEKE, AND TRISTAN: IT'S THE "FLIPLETS:"
I'M PETE: I HAVE BEEN A LICENSED REALTOR
SINCE I WAS 18: AND IF I CAN'T FIND A HOUSE YOU
LOVE, IT JUST AIN'T OUT THERE: THE NAME IS ZEKE: AND I HAVE
BEEN FLIPPING HOUSES FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS:
I'M THE GUY THAT WILL TURN WHATEVER NIGHTMARE HE FINDS YOU
INTO YOUR DREAM HOME: I'M TRISTAN: AND WHEN OUR
PARENTS DIVORCED: I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT WENT TO LIVE WITH OUR
DAD. ALL RIGHT:
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT:
WELL: WHEN ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT?
I MEAN WE'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED:
THEY ARE THE FLIPLETS: JUST THREE BROTHERS RENOVATING HOUSES
AND BUSTING YOUR GUT: THIS GUY DOES ALL THE MANUAL
LABOR: WHICH ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS MAKES ME THE SMART
ONE. OH, PLEASE: POINDEXTER
YOU COULDN'T DRIVE A NAIL IF IT HAD A STEERING WHEEL:
WHY I OUGHT'A! I DON'T THINK YOU EVER REALLY
FULLY GRIEVED THE DEATH OF OUR FAMILY:
NOT REALLY THE PLATFORM: BUD. SO RATHER THAN FACE THEIR
DEMONS THEY GO CITY TO CITY TRYING TO BUILD THE HOME THEY
NEVER HAD: THE FLIPLETS:
ALL NEW THIS FALL: WE ARE ALL ABOUT THE THREE
Rs, REFURBISH, REMODEL: AND RELIGION IS A DRUG:
NOPE, NOPE: IT'S RENOVATE:
THE FLIPLETS: EVERY TUESDAY AT 8:00.
I HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH MY HANDS MY ENTIRE LIFE: IT'S MY
PASSION: HECK, WHEN I WAS 12: I BUILT A
TREE HOUSE WITH CENTRAL AC: EVEN THOUGH I GOT A COUPLE
OFFERS ON IT I COULDN'T SELL THE OLD GAL:
THERE WERE TOO MANY MEMORIES:
WHEN I WAS 12: I SAW A MAN GET HIT BY A BUS:
AND I HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO INTERVENE BUT I WAS FROZEN: NOT
BY FEAR: BUT BY A DREADFUL EXCITEMENT:
HA HA. I JUST WATCHED HIM:
LIKE IT WAS ALL A LITTLE SHOW THAT GOD WAS PUTTING ON JUST FOR
ME. A MARIONETTE: DANGLING BEFORE
THE LAPPING FLAMES OF HIS MASTER'S FURNACE:
AND IN THAT MOMENT I DIED A LITTLE UNTO MYSELF BUT I WAS
REBORN AS THE LIZARD I WAS DESTINED TO BECOME:
HA, HA, YEAH: LITERALLY NEVER MENTIONED THAT
BEFORE: SOME MIGHT SAY THAT WAS THE
DAY THE LIGHT INSIDE ME DIMMED: BUT I WOULD SAY THAT'S THE
MOMENT THE DARKNESS INSIDE ME BEGAN TO SHINE:
WHAT? HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.
THE FLIPLETS: THIS WAS THE USABLE FOOTAGE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: JAY‐Z.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] > YEAH:
NEW YORK CITY: WHAT'S UP? JAY‐Z AND MARLIN IN THE
BUILDING: ♪♪♪
♪ NOW GREETINGS TO THE WORLD GANGSTA NO LIVE
I WAS ON THE TOTAL TOTAL OPPOSITE ♪
♪ STUFF A MILLION DOLLARS IN THE SOCK DRAWER
THAT'S A WAR CHEST IN CASE ♪ ♪ YOU NEED YOUR
CHEST KNOCKED OFF Y'ALL BE TALKIN' CRAZY
UNDER THEM IG PICTURES ♪ ♪ SO WHEN YOU GET TO HELL
YOU TELL 'EM BLANCO SENT YOU I CAN'T TAKE NO THREATS
I GOT A SET OF TWINS ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE JUST
THE WORDS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AGAIN
FOR THE FINAL TIME ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T BELIEVE
THESE FOOLS I'VE NEVER SEEN A WORKER
ROCK SO MANY JEWELS ♪ ♪ I'VE NEVER SEEN THE RUNNER
WITH SO MANY CARS Y'ALL COULDN'T STOP ME
YOU'RE NOT AS TOUGH ♪ ♪ AS YOU SAY YOU ARE
MY ADVICE IS JUST DON'T BE TOO NICE
JUST SET THE PRICE SO LIVE YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE PROJECTS
SHAWN WAS IN FLIGHT MODE I BOUGHT A PYREX ♪
♪ I WAS IN FIGHT MODE AND NOW YOU DON'T LOE ME MIJO
I WAS MOVIN' THEM KILOS HELP YOU MOVE YOUR PEOPLES ♪
♪ SOMETIMES YOU NEED YOUR EGO
GOTTA REMIND THESE FOOLS WHO THEY EFFIN' WITH ♪
♪ AND WE GOT FN'S TOO BEFORE WE HAD A&R'S
WE HAD AR'S TOO ♪ ♪ WE THE ONLY ONES
REALLY MOVIN' LIKE Y'ALL SAY Y'ALL DO ♪
♪ WE STILL MOVIN' LIKE THESE PEOPLE SAY THEY DID
EMORY PASSED YOU PEOPLE AND HE DID A BID ♪
♪ TY TY JUMPED OVER FOOLS AND HE'S LIKE 5'6"
GOT THE HEART OF A GIANT DON'T YOU EVER FORGET ♪
♪ DON'T YOU NEVER FORGET JIGGA GOT THIS THING POPPIN'
I PULLED OUT THE POT WHEN WE WAS OUTTA OPTIONS ♪
♪ GANGSTA NO LIVE IN A TENEMENT YARD
RUDE BOY NO LIVE IN A TENEMENT YARD ♪
♪ THEM CHATTY CHATTY CHATTY
THEM SU SU SU SU SU ♪ ♪ TOO MUCH WATCHY
WATCHY WATCHY TOO MUCH SU SU SU SU SU ♪
♪ PUT THAT DRUM IN YOUR EAR
DON'T GET SREM'D ♪ ♪ I'LL BOBBY SHMURDA
ANYBODY YOU HEARD OF PEOPLE COULD NOT BE FURTHER
I FATHERED YOUR STYLE ♪ ♪ BIRTH OF A NATION
NAT TURNER STYLE UH Y'ALL MAKE ME TURN UP
ALL THIS TALKIN' DOWN ♪ ♪ UH THESE PEOPLE
SKIPPIN' LEG DAY JUST TO RUN THEY MOUTH ♪
♪ I BE SKIPPIN' LEG DAY I STILL RUN THE WORLD ♪
♪ I PRESSED AHEAD OF YOUR TEAM
WITH ONE FINGER CURLED ♪ ♪ I'LL LINE YOU ALL UP
WITH ONE FINGER WAVE MAKE 'EM WEAVE
PEOPLE IS OUT HERE FAKE ♪ ♪ LACED FRONT TO THE BACK
DON'T FRONT Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME WIG ♪
♪ I'MA GIVE Y'ALL WHAT YOU WANT ♪
♪ GANGSTA NO LIVE IN A TENEMENT YARD
RUDE BOY NO LIVE IN A TENEMENT YARD ♪
♪ THEM CHATTY CHATTY CHATTY
THEM SU SU SU SU SU ♪ ♪ TOO MUCH WATCHY
WATCHY WATCHY TOO MUCH SU SU SU SU SU ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S MY AMBITION
I'LL COME TO NICE UP THE WHOLE NATION ♪
♪ WHAT A BAM BAM YEAH LOUD I MISS A WHAT A BAM BAM
DO IT JAY ♪ ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE
IT'S MY AMBITION I'LL COME TO NICE UP
THE WHOLE NATION ♪ ♪ WHAT A BAM BAM
WHAT A BAM BAM ♪ ♪ WHEN MI COME A DANCE
AND MI SPLIFF AND GUINNESS YOW CROWD OF PEOPLE
GO AND MIND YUH BUSINESS ♪ ♪ THIS A HUNTING SEASON
I TELL YOU HUNTING SEASON WELL I TELL YA
SOMETHING SEASON ♪ ♪ YOW THIS A HUNTING SEASON
CAKE AND DUMPLING SEASON SPINNERS AND DUMPLING SEASON
DON'T PLAY BY THE KING ♪ ♪ GET IT UP
YEAH OOH WEE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ANNOUNCER: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH COLIN JOST: AND
MICHAEL CHE:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING:
EVERYONE: WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE: AND I'M COLIN JOST:
WELL AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS CRITICIZED FOR A
TERRIBLE RESPONSE TO HURRICANE MARIA:
THIS MORNING HE FINALLY GAVE THE PEOPLE OF PUERTO RICO WHAT
THEY NEEDED MOST:
A BUNCH OF TWEETS STRAIGHT UP A BUNCH OF TWEETS STRAIGHT UP
CALLING THEM LAZY:
> TRUMP SAYS THE PEOPLE OF PUERTO RICO, QUOTE: WANT
EVERYTHING TO BE DONE FOR THEM: THEN HE TOLD HIS CADDY TO REPAIR
HIS DIVIT AND DRIVE HIM TO THE NEXT HOLE:
TRUMP ALWAYS SAID HE WAS GOING TO GET THINGS DONE FASTER THAN
ANY OTHER PRESIDENT: NOW I BELIEVE HIM:
IT TOOK GEORGE W: BUSH FIVE YEARS TO GET HIS KATRINA:
MEANWHILE: RAPPER PITBULL HAS LOANED OUT HIS PRIVATE JET TO
HELP RESCUE PEOPLE IN PUERTO RICO:
WOW, IF ONLY DONALD TRUMP KNEW SOMEONE WITH A PRIVATE JET:
HOW IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES WORSE AT HUMANITARIAN AID THAN PITBULL:
AND YOU KNOW PITBULL IS DOING IT WHILE ALSO FEATURING ON FOUR
DIFFERENT TRACKS AND HOSTING FOAM PARTIES FOR BUD LIGHT:
TRUMP IS BUSY DOING THE REAL WORK: MAKING EXCUSES WHILE HALF
EXPLAINING WHAT AN ISLAND IS: JUST WATCH:
THIS IS AN ISLAND: SURROUNDED BY WATER, BIG WATER: OCEAN
WATER: WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT: MAN?
THIS ISN'T A TREACHEROUS JOURNEY:
IT'S PUERTO RICO: NOT SKULL ISLAND:
CRUISE SHIPS FULL OF RETIRED AUNTS GO THERE EVERY DAY:
I THINK TRUMP IS WORKING OF ONE OF THOSE OLD SAILOR MAPS WITH
SEA MONSTERS ON IT: AFTER THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN
CRITICIZED THE GOVERNMENT'S PUERTO RICAN RELIEF EFFORTS
PRESIDENT TRUMP ATTACKED HER ON TWITTER SAYING: "THE MAYOR OF
SAN JUAN WHO WAS VERY COMPLIMENTARY ONLY A FEW DAYS
AGO. HAS NOW BEEN TOLD BY THE
DEMOCRATS THAT YOU MUST BE NASTY TO TRUMP:"
OH, REALLY: DONALD? YOU BITCH:
WAS SHE NASTY TO YOU? HOW NASTY?
ARE YOU SHAKING? DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE A VIRGINIA
SLIM UNTIL YOUR HAND STOPS MOVING?
THIS ISN'T A COMPLICATED ISSUE: MAN, IT'S HURRICANE RELIEF:
YOU JUST DID THIS VERY SAME THING FOR WHITE PEOPLE, TWICE:
SO, TELL MELANIA TO PUT ON HER FLOOD HEELS:
GET YOU SOME BOTTLED WATER: SOME FOOD: SOME ATLANTA FALCONS SUPER
BOWL T‐SHIRTS: WRITE A CHECK AND WITH OUR MONEY: YOU CHEAP
CRACKER: IN ONE MONTH YOU HAVE MISHANDLED
PUERTO RICO, DACA, THE NFL: IT'S LIKE WHEN ANYBODY DARKER
THAN YOUR GOLF PANTS HAS A PROBLEM YOU ARE THINKING HOW CAN
I MAKE THIS WORSE: HEALTH AND SERVICES SECRETARY
TOM PRICE WAS CAUGHT USING ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS IN
TAXPAYER MONEY TO FRIDAY ON PRIVATE JETS:
THAT'S COOL YOU RESIGNED: BUT HOW ABOUT YOU PAY BACK THE
MONEY? YOU CAN'T WALK INTO A STORE AND
DO A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF DAMAGE AND THEN BE LIKE I GET
IT, I'LL LEAVE: MAN, WE WANT YOU TO PAY:
YOU CAN MAKE THAT MILLION BACK WHEN YOU PUBLISH YOUR MEMOIR:
OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO ON A GOVERNMENT FUNDED PRIVATE JET:
> THIS WEEK PRESIDENT TRUMP CONTINUED HIS CRITICISM OF NFL
PLAYERS WHO TOOK A KNEE DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM:
HE FIGURED CNN MSNBC ALREADY HATE ME: HOW CAN I GET ESPN TO
HATE MADE ME: TOO. BECAUSE TRUMP NEEDS EVERY
NETWORK TALKING ABOUT HIM: NEXT HE IS GOING TO TWEET AT
NICKELODEON THAT THEY NEED TO SHOW US DORA'S PAPERS:
THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA SAID THAT HE EXPECTED PLAYERS TO
FOLLOW LEAGUE RULES AND STAND DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM:
THE NBA IS WHAT: 130, 140% BLACK?
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF THEY ALL DECIDE TO KNEEL?
HAVE A GAME WITH THE NEW YORK PORZINGIS PLAY THE SAN ANTONIO GINOBILI?
AND, HOW DID THIS GUY GET TO BE THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA
ANYWAY? HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY PUT A
SUIT ON A SEX TOY: IT'S HARD TO ASK BLACK PEOPLE
TO RESPECT THE FLAG WHEN THEY KNOW THIS COUNTRY CARES MORE
ABOUT IT THAN US: OKAY?
WE LOVE THE FLAG: IT'S JUST THAT WHITE GUYS REALLY LOVE THE FLAG:
THE ONLY PEOPLE I SEE LOVE THEIR FLAG MORE
THAN WHITE DUDES ARE
GAY GUYS AND THE BLOODS:
AND IT'S NOT PERSONAL YOU JUST GOTTA
UNDERSTAND THERE'S 50 STARS
ON THE AMERICAN FLAG:
BUT BLACK PEOPLE: WE ONLY FEEL WELCOME IN LIKE EIGHT:
SOME OF THEM STARS WE DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT:
THAT'S WHY IF YOU ASK A BLACK PERSON IF
DO YOU LOVE AMERICA? HE'S LIKE, WHOA I LOVE BROOKLYN:
I AM RESERVING JUDGMENT ON THE DAKOTAS:
ANGELA MERKEL WAS REELECTED AS CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY FOR A
FOURTH TERM AND IS NOW THE LONGEST SERVING LEADER IN
EUROPE: HERE TO COMMENT IS GERMAN
CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL:
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OH, YEAH, I AM THE WINNER:
YAY! YAY!
WAIT, WAIT: ARE YOU HAPPY THAT YOU WON?
YES. OF COURSE I'M HAPPY:
IS THAT NOT COMING ACROSS? I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SMILE:
YAY! IT LOOKS A LITTLE TORTURED:
OKAY: WELL, TO BE HONEST: COLIN PART
OF ME WAS HOPING TO RETIRE EVEN THOUGH THE AVERAGE RETIREMENT
AGE IN GERMANY IS 87: AT WHICH POINT YOU TRANSITION INTO MANUAL
LABOR: ALSO: MY VICTORY WAS BITTER
SWEET BECAUSE THE FAR: FAR RIGHT PARTY WON SEATS IN OUR
PARLIAMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE YOU KNOW:
WHAT WAS THAT? YOU KNOW: THE
THE NAZIS: GOT YOU, YEAH:
YEAH: I GOT TO SAY YOU SEEM STRESSED OUT CHANCELLOR:
OH, THANK YOU: NO, I MEAN I'M WORRIED ABOUT
YOU, I'M WORRIED THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH A LOT:
YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT: IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN EUROPE IS
HAVING A ROWDY SLUMBER PARTY AND I'M THE MEAN MOM WHO HAS TO SEND
THEM TO BED WITHOUT THEIR RADISHES:
DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLIES LEFT? NO ALLIES:
MOSTLY AXIS THESE DAYS: EXCEPT OH: FOR THAT FRENCH HUNK
MACRON: OOH‐LA‐LA. BAGUETTE ME SOME DIAPHRAGMS:
I THINK OF THIS GUY I'M LIKE: OBAMA WHO?
BARACK IS IT WORKING? AM I MAKING YOU JEALOUS?
LEAVE MICHELE: OH NO, YOU'RE STILL THAT HUNG
UP ON OBAMA: HUH? I KNOW I MUST ACCEPT THAT
IT'S OVER AND MOVE ON: SO, I DECIDED TO GET RID OF
EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE THAT REMINDS ME OF HIM:
THIS LOVE LETTER I WROTE HIM BUT NEVER SENT:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: I RESPECT YOU, TEPID REGARDS:
MERKEL: A MIX CD I MADE YOU BUT WAS TOO
SHY TO GIVE: IT'S A MIX OF ALL THE SONGS BY
CREED: A PICTURE OF US AT THE G20
SUMMIT: I WAS COLD AND YOU LET ME BORROW
YOUR JACKET: TURNS OUT WE WERE WEARING THE
SAME SUIT: I HAD TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM ON
SOCIAL MEDIA SO I WOULDN'T BE TEMPTED THE SLIDE INTO HIS DMS:
ONE NIGHT I HAD ONE TOO MANY SHOTS: ONE.
AND I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF MY BARE KNEE:
HE WROTE BACK: IS THAT A PEELED POTATO?
WOW.
IT REALLY MUST BE HARD TO GO FROM OBAMA TO TRUMP:
AND I ALSO HEARD THAT TRUMP WAITED FOUR DAYS BEFORE HE
CALLED YOU TO SAY CONGRATS:
THIS MUTTER FUERER
FOUR DAYS:
FOUR DAYS, HE WAITS: WHICH IN GERMANY IS LIKE
20 BUSINESS DAYS: FINALLY I SENT HIM A TINY
E‐MAIL: I WAS LIKE ARE YOU GOING SAY ANYTHING?
AND HE WAS LIKE OH, SORRY: JUST SAW THIS, DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE:
AND I WAS LIKE:
I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME
TIME AFTER YOUR VICTORY TO RELAX:
HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER:
> ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY SFOOUM WILL BE:
I WILL BE GOING A SLUTTY ANGELA MERKEL:
THAT'S ME, BUT WITH A HAT:
ANGELA MERKEL EVERYONE:
THERE WAS NO VOTE ON THE
HEALTH CARE BILL WHICH MEANS THAT THE OBAMACARE REPEAL IS
OFFICIALLY DEAD: BUT IS IT?
I MEAN IT'S BEEN DEAD LIKE THREE TIMES ALREADY AND IT KEEPS
COMING BACK LIKE A JASON MOVIE: AT THIS RATE WE'RE ONLY A FEW
YEARS AWAY FROM "FREDDY VS: HEALTHCARE:"
AND THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHO DIES
FIRST IN THOSE MOVIES: NOT ME:
> HUGH HEFNER PASSED AWAY THIS WEEK AT THE AGE OF 91:
HE WILL BE BURIED IN A FOLDER MARKED "WORK STUFF:
OCTOBER IS BLINDNESS AWARENESS MONTH:
SO DON'T FORGET TO SAY YOU ARE WEARING A RIBBON:
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO SEE THIS:
SAUDI ARABIA ANNOUNCED ON TUESDAY THAT IT IT WOULD BEGIN
ALLOWING WOMEN TO DRIVE: WOW, THAT'S ONLY A FEW SHORT
YEARS AFTER CARS WERE ALLOWED TO DRIVE THEMSELVES:
MAINTENANCE WORKERS IN BALTIMORE SAY THEY HAVE CLEARED
A 140 TON FATBERG FROM THE SEWER SYSTEM WHICH IS MADE UP OF
CONGEALED FAT AND WASTE THAT WILL NOT BREAK DOWN:
GOOD NEWS BALTIMORE: THE MCRIB IS BACK:
AND HOSTESSS IS UNVEILING NEW FLAVORS OF THEIR SNACK CAKES
INCLUDING WHITE FUDGE DING DONGS:
WHITE FUDGE DING DONGS IS WHAT THEY CALL WEEKEND UPDATE IN
CHINA: I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT'S MORE
RACIST TO: A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT 2016
HAD THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES
EVER REPORTED: BEATING THE RECORD PREVIOUSLY
HELD BY KID ROCK: FALL IS HERE: THE WEATHER IN
NEW YORK HAS BEEN UNSEASONABLY WARM:
HERE TO GIVE US LATE SUMMER DATING ADVICE IS A GUY WHO JUST
BOUGHT A BOAT: HEY.
HEY COJO, LL COOL JOST: CJ 1. RELAX: BRO, JUST A NICKNAME A
LITTLE RIB, FOR THEIR PLEASURE: VERY TIGHT TO BE BACK:
VERY TIGHT: ALL RIGHT, MAN, YEAH, WELL:
DO YOU HAVE ANY WARM WEATHER DATING ADVICE FOR EVERYONE?
ROCK A QUALITY FRAYING: I'M TALKING COLOGNE, JOST:
YOU GOT YOUR AMR KROMS: T HILL FRIGS, ACTION BOAST SPRAY:
ANYTHING THAT WILL TURN HER NOSE INTO A YES:
I HAVE A SMALL PENIS: LET'S TALK REALISTIC FOR YOUR
REAL DATE: IT'S ALL ABOUT LOCATION:
LOCATION, LOCATION: YOUR BEST BET, A RUE TABA:
WHAT? >> A ROOF TOP BAR COLIN:
IT IS LIKE A REGULAR BAR BUT BETTER, I'M A ROTTEN LAY:
NOW WHEN IT COMES TO WATERING HOLES: NOTHING
GETS THE HOLES WATERING QUITE LIKE
FLOOR NUMERO TOP:
O 2 IS OUR GO TO: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DRIVE IT HOME SPRING
FOR BATTLE SERVES: MY DONG SUCKS:
WAIT WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID:
I SAID SPRING FOR BOTTLE SERVES AND MY DONG SUCKS:
TRY TO KEEP UP: IT TAKES A VILLAGE:
WHEN IT COMES TO GRADE A NOBODY POPS THE CORK BETTER THAN MY
COUSIN: THE GUY WHO JUST JOINED SOHO HOUSE:
AYE AYE: CAPTAIN BLACKOUT REPORTING FOR BOOTY:
JUST KIDDING: COL, TRY NOT TO GET LOST AT SEA, JOST:
AS A MEMBER OF THE SOHO: HO, THAT'S SOHO HOUSE:
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE A MEMBER TO GET IN:
NOTHING GETS YOUR MEMBER IN LIKE A SCLUZY CLUE:
SCLUZY CLUE: THAT'S EXCLUSIVE CLUB:
I HAVE A SHAMEFUL SHNOZ: WHEN THE WEATHER IS
UNSEASONABLE: SHE WON'T BE UNREASONABLE:
RISING TEMPERATURES MAKE THE LADIES WANT TO SOAK UP YOUR
VITAMIN D, MINE IS HORRIBLE: WITH THE COMMA LADDIE AND LONGI:
COMMA AGAIN: BEFORE YOU KNOW IT SHE WILL BE
UNDER YOUR DUVET SAYING THOSE MAGIC WORDS "IS IT IN YET?
"AND IT USUALLY IS: THIS IS DATING ADVICE FOR
EVERYONE? SI, SEENIOR COMPADRE: LITTLE
ESPANOL FOR YOU: GREAT:
WE PICKED IT UP DURING OUR SEMESTER AT BARCELONA:
I'M TERRIBLE AT SEX: BY THE WAY: LOW AND HE IS
PANNIA FOR A STRAIGHT SENIOR YEAR:
WE WERE INVOLVEDISH IN A VEHICLE MAN SLOT: IF YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN: I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS:
THOSE EURO CHICKS GO LOCO FOR A CHORE EASO AMERICANO:
I CAN GO THREE PUMPS TOPS: I NEVER FORGET WHAT THAT ONE
CHICA TOLD ME ABOARD MY VESSEL: THE U DONGO IS TRASHO:
ON YOUR WHERE? ON MY BOAT, COLIN:
TWO BAD WANGS EVERYONE:
WE'RE EVERYWHERE:
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M COLIN JOST:
I'M MICHAEL CHE GOODNIGHT!
> WE KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE:
MACKENZIE: COME OUT YOU BANK ROBBING SON
OF A BITCH:
NOTHING BUT JUST A BUNCH OF COBWEBS AND THIS LONELY: LONELY
HEN. HAVE YOU SEEN ANYONE AROUND
HERE: HEN? WE ARE LOOKING FOR A FUGITIVE:
WHO, ME? OH, I HAVEN'T SEEN A THING:
ALL RIGHT: BIG HELP, CHICKEN:
LET'S CHECK THE GAS STATION UP THE ROAD:
GOOD LUCK, BOYS: BOK, BOK, BOK, BOK, BOK.
OH, BABY: YOU PLAYED THEM LIKE A FIDDLE:
I TOLD YOU YOU WERE A STAR: YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A STAR:
FREDDY: GOOD LUCK, BOYS:
WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?
OH, YOU ARE A FLIRT: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE TAKING
ME TO SPAIN: WHERE?
OH, YEAH, SPAIN: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BABY:
AS LONG AS THOSE COPS STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS: IT WILL JUST BE
YOU AND ME AND SANGRIA AND PAELLA FROM HERE ON OUT:
AND CORN: RIGHT?
OH SURE, YEAH: LITTLE LOOSE GLISTENING KERNELS
OF CORN LIKE YELLOW DIAMONDS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE:
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TRADING A BARN FOR BARCELONA:
THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT I'LL HIT THE LIGHTS AND WE'LL
GET SOME SHUT EYE: COME ON, FREDDY:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHE'S A CHICKEN:
YOU'RE A LONE WOLF:
YOU USE THEM AND YOU LEAVE THEM: BUT WHAT IF SHE'S THE ONE?
STOP IT: OH, FREDDY: YOU CALLED THE
AIRLINE: RIGHT? YOU ASKED IF YOU CAN BRING A HEN
ON THE PLANE WITH HER EGGS?
OH, YEAH: THOSE AIRLINE THEY EVEN HAVE THE EGG HEATERS
ON FIRST CLASS: OH.
COME ON HERE: LISTEN UP CHICKEN: WE FOUND
THE CROOK'S BANDANNA OUTSIDE: ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
ANYONE? WHY WOULD I LIE:
OH, LET'S GO SEARCH AT HIS WIFE'S PLACE:
OH. I'M SORRY?
YOU ARE GOING TO GO WHERE? GOING TO HIS WIFE'S.
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: LONG LEGS:
SOFT KISSABLE LIPS: TWO ARMS:
WITH HANDS: EVERYTHING A FELLOW COULD WANT:
ONE OTHER THING: ARE THERE EGG HEATERS ON
AIRPLANES? HA!
NO.
NOT EVEN IN FIRST CLASS? CHICKENS CAN'T GO ON PLANES:
SORRY SWEETHEART: I SEE.
OH. NOW, HENNY, YOU LOOK AT ME:
YOU LOOK AT ME, HENRIETTA:
YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO THEM: OH, YOU LIED ABOUT
EVERYTHING: YOU EVEN SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE A
GUN. WHAT'S THIS?
DAG GUMMIT: YOU BE CAREFUL:
THAT'S A GUN, HENRIETTA: YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
ANYTHING BECAUSE I FUMBLE WITH MY WINGS:
WELL, YOU TOOK ME FOR A FOOL: LISTEN:
YES, FIRST I LIED TO YOU: I USED YOU:
AND I AM STILL MARRIED: AND I AM A CRIMINAL:
AND I'M TERRIFIED OF PRISON: I TELL YOU: I HAVE GROWN TO LOVE
YOU, DAMN IT: HENRIETTA: YOU DONE WITH THAT
SCARF YET? OH, MAN, WHO'S THIS?
[ GUNSHOT ] AHHH:
HENRIETTA: WHY?
FARMER'S BEEN SHOT: THE HEN IS HOLDING THE GUN:
PUT DOWN THE ROSS CO: HEN, YOU'RE COMING TO JAIL:
NO, YOU LEAVE HER ALONE: YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS:
I SHOT THAT FARMER: NO.
DON'T LISTEN TO HER: I'M JUST A BIG STUPID LITTLE
FOOL: WHY'D YOU SHOOT HIM?
I DID IT FOR SOMEBODY I LOVE: OH.
I'M SORRY:
I LOVE YOU:
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
WHERE TO: SEÑORITA?
BARCELONA: ♪♪♪
[ APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
> SO THANK YOU FOR TRYING THE FOOD:
TELL ME: WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? YUM.
REALLY GOOD: FANTASTIC:
TERREZON'S IS GOING TO BE EVEN BETTER WITH THIS NEW MENU:
YEAH, I'M 50% ITALIAN: SO I KNOW WHAT PASTA SHOULD TASTE
LIKE: AND TERRAZANO'S DOES IT RIGHT:
WELL: I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE WHAT IF I
TOLD YOU THAT THE DELICIOUS PASTA DISHES YOU'RE ARE DIGGING
INTO RIGHT NOW AREN'T ACTUALLY FROM AN AUTHENTIC ITALIAN
RESTAURANT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
BABE: WHAT'S GOING ON? THAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY THE
NEW PASTA SELECTION FROM PIZZA HUT.
NO. FAMILIA ITALIANO:
NO. PASTA MENU:
THIS IS PIZZA HUT? REALLY?
YOU GUYS GOT US: THAT WAS GOOD:
NO, STOP: BUDDY: YOU BETTER PUMP YOUR
BRAKES:
I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED: I WAS JUST SITTING HERE EATING
TERRAZANO'S PASTA WITH MY BEAUTIFUL FIANCE:
AND NOW A BUNCH OF CLOWNS COME OUT WITH PIZZA HUT: AND YOU ARE
SAYING THAT'S WHAT WE ACTUALLY ATE?
I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED: REALLY: BECAUSE YOU GOT IT
EXACTLY RIGHT SIR:
THE TERRAZANO'S PASTA YOU ENJOYED IS REALLY FROM
PIZZA HUT: I GOT TO SAY YOU ARE BLOWING
MY MIND RIGHT NOW: I'M GOING TO BE ORDERING THIS
PRIMAVERA ALL THE TIME: RIGHT: FROM TERRAZANO'S, MY
FAVORITE RESTAURANT: BUT REMEMBER: IT'S ACTUALLY
PIZZA HUT: AND YOU STILL LIKED THEM:
SO, YOU KNOW: ISN'T THAT FUN?
YOU SON OF A BITCH:
EASY:
WAIT, WAIT: SO YOU TRICKED US?
THIS WHOLE NIGHT WAS JUST LIKE ONE BIG LONG TRICK?
WHO ELSE KNEW ABOUT THIS? HUH?
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS MARK? WHAT'S YOUR ROLE IN THIS:
WHAT, NO, I'M JUST LIKE YOU: I AIN'T NO ABOUT THIS:
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME: I AM NOT A PIZZA HUT GIRL:
I AM A TERRAZANO GIRL: GUYS TERRAZANO'S IS NOT A
REAL RESTAURANT: IT NEVER EXISTED BEFORE TODAY
OKAY? THIS IS A WAREHOUSE WITH THREE
TABLES: WELL: WE AREN'T GONNA STAND
FOR BEING MADE FOOLS OF: NOT IN FRONT OF OUR FIANCEES:
RIGHT MARK: I WISH I HADN'T TOLD YOU MY
NAME:
THE POINT IS YOU GUYS ENJOYED THE FOOD:
RIGHT? I OUGHT TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH:
GUYS: YOU BOTH SIGNED A
RELEASE: YOUR FIANCEE ASKED WHERE THE
CAMERA WAS: LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO IT AND SAID
YUM YUM GOOD: THAT'S BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT
WAS TERRAZANO'S. YOU GET OFF ON THIS?
YOU PLANTING LITTLE CAMERAS AROUND AND YOU WATCH WOMEN EAT
GARBAGE? THE CHEF, BABE: IS CHEF REAL OR NO?
WHAT ABOUT CHEF LUIGI MARINARA?
IS HE REAL?
I AM A REAL CHEF: BUT MY ACTUAL NAME IS CLAUD: AND I DID
NOT COOK THIS MEAL FOR YOU: YOU SHOULD BE DISBARRED:
YOU SHOULD LITERALLY BE DISBARRED:
YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYES:
YOU LOOKED MY FIANCEE IN THE EYES:
WHERE WE COME FROM: THAT MEANS SOMETHING:
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST LOST TWO CUSTOMERS:
IS THIS WINE EVEN REAL? YOU ORDERED A DIET COKE:
THEN WHY AM I BUZZED?
YOU ARE MAKING MY GIRL SCARED:
LET ME TELL YOU: I SEE RED WHEN MY GIRL GETS SCARED:
I OUGHT TO BEAT THE DEATH OUT OF YOU.
YOU ARE JUST A LOSER WHO COULD NEVER AFFORD TO EAT AT
TERRAZANO'S, AND YOU MADE IT YOUR PATHETIC LIFE'S LITTLE
MISSION TO DESTROY THE PEOPLE WHO CAN:
OKAY LOOK YOU GUYS SIGNED
A RELEASE: YOU SEEMED TO ENJOY THE FOOD:
BUT WE WON'T USE ANY OF THE FOOTAGE IF YOU DON'T WANT:
OKAY? I PROMISE:
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SO UPSETTING TO YOU.
OH, STOP YELLING AT ME: I CAN'T BE YELLED AT:
MY DAD WAS A REALLY MESSED UP GUY.
HE WAS REALLY MESSED UP: BUT HE
WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO ME: NOT AT TERRAZANO'S.
I KNOW BABES, I KNOW: IF THIS WEREN'T TERRAZANO'S, I
WOULD BEAT YOU TO DEATH: THERE IS NO TERRAZANO'S.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> ONCE AGAIN: JAY‐Z!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
♪ DO I FIND IT SO HARD WHEN I KNOW IN MY HEART
I'M LETTING YOU DOWN EVERYDAY ♪
♪ LETTING YOU DOWN EVERYDAY WHY DO I KEEP ON
RUNNING AWAY ♪ ♪♪♪
♪ LOOK I APOLOGIZE OFTEN WOMANIZE
TOOK FOR MY CHILD TO BE BORN SEE THROUGH A WOMAN'S EYES ♪
♪ TOOK FOR THESE NATURAL TWINS TO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES
TOOK ME TOO LONG FOR THIS SONG ♪
♪ I DON'T DESERVE YOU I HARASS YOU OUT IN PARIS
PLEASE COME BACK TO ROME YOU MAKE IT HOME ♪
♪ WE TALKED FOR HOURS WHEN YOU WERE ON TOUR
PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE PICK UP THE PHONE ♪
♪ SAID DON'T EMBARRASS ME INSTEAD OF BE MINE
THAT WAS MY PROPOSAL FOR US TO GO STEADY ♪
♪ THAT WAS YOUR 21ST BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ YOU MATURE FASTER THAN ME I WASN'T READY
SO I APOLOGIZE ♪ ♪ I'VE SEEN THE INNOCENCE
LEAVE YOUR EYES I STILL MOURN THIS DEATH ♪
♪ I APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE STILLBORNS
'CAUSE I WASN'T PRESENT ♪ ♪ YOUR BODY
WOULDN'T ACCEPT IT I APOLOGIZE TO ALL
THE WOMAN WHOM I ♪ ♪ TOYED WITH YOU EMOTIONS
BECAUSE I WAS EMOTIONLESS I APOLOGIZE 'CAUSE AT
YOUR BEST YOU ARE LOVE ♪ ♪ AND BECAUSE I FALL SHORT
OF WHAT I SAY I'M ALL ABOUT YOUR EYES LEAVE WITH THE SOUL
THAT YOUR BODY ONCE HOUSED ♪ ♪ AND YOU STARE
BLANKLY INTO SPACE THINKIN' OF ALL THE TIME
YOU WASTED IN ON ♪ ♪ ALL THIS BASICNESS
SO I APOLOGIZE ♪ ♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ I APOLOGIZE OUR LOVE WAS ONE FOR THE AGES
AND I CONTAINED US ♪ ♪ AND ALL THIS RATCHET
AND WE MORE EXPANSIVE NOT MEANT TO CRY AND DIE
ALONE IN THESE MANSIONS ♪ ♪ OR SLEEP WITH
OUR BACK TURNED WE'RE SUPPOSED TO VACAY
'TIL OUR BACKS BURN ♪ ♪ WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH
'TIL OUR HEARTS STOPS AND THEN WE IN A SPACE
WHERE THE DARK STOPS ♪ ♪ AND LETS LOVE
LIGHT THE WAY LIKE THE MEN BEFORE ME ♪
♪ I CUT OFF MY NOSE TO SPITE MY FACE
I NEVER WANTED ANOTHER WOMAN TO KNOW ♪
♪ SOMETHING ABOUT ME THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW
I PROMISED I CRIED I COULDN'T HOLD ♪
♪ I SUCK AT LOVE I THINK I NEED A DO‐OVER
I WILL BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE ♪
♪ IF I INVITED YOU OVER I STEW OVER
WHAT IF ♪ ♪ YOU OVER
♪ I'M NEVER GONNA TREAT YOU NEVER GONNA TREAT YOU
LIKE I SHOULD ♪ ♪ AND IF MY CHILDREN KNEW
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO ♪
♪ IF THEY AIN'T LOOK AT ME THE SAME
I WOULD PROB'LY DIE WITH ALL THE SHAME ♪
♪ YOU DID WHAT WITH WHO WHAT GOOD IS A M NAGE TROIS
WHEN YOU HAVE A SOULMATE YOU RISKED THAT FOR BLUE ♪
♪ IF I WASN'T A SUPERHERO IN YOUR FACE
MY HEART BREAKS FOR THE DAY I HAD TO EXPLAIN MY MISTAKES ♪
♪ AND THE MASK GOES AWAY AND SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE
AND YOU GO ONLINE AND SEE ♪ ♪ FOR BLUE'S TOOTH
THE TOOTH FAIRY DIDN'T PAY ♪ ♪ I'M NEVER GONNA TREAT YOU
LIKE I SHOULD ♪ ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
> IT HAPPENED AGAIN: I THOUGHT IT WAS BEHIND ME: BUT
THE DREAMS CAME BACK: I WAS UP ALL NIGHT:
I CAN'T EAT. I CAN'T SLEEP:
WHAT'S WRONG? IT HAUNTS ME:
NOTHING:
OH, STEVEN NOT THIS AGAIN: I FORGOT ABOUT IT FOR YEARS:
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT AVATAR: THE GIANT INTERNATIONAL
BLOCKBUSTER: USED THE PAPYRUS FONT AS IT'S LOGO:
AVATAR, LIKE: THAT MOVIE FROM NINE YEARS AGO?
YEAH: HE JUST HIGHLIGHTED AVATAR: HE CLICKED THE DROP DOWN
MENU: AND THEN HE RANDOMLY SELECTED PAPYRUS:
LIKE A THOUGHTLESS CHILD WANDERING BY A GARDEN YANKING
LEAVES ALONG THE WAY: AND SO NOW YOU ARE WORRIED
ABOUT THE SEQUELS THAT ARE COMING OUT?
THEY ARE MAKING MORE? YEAH, WELL: I THINK I HEARD
THAT: THEY CHANGED THE ARTWORK:
THEY FIXED IT: IT LOOKS SIMILAR:
HE JUST GOT AWAY WITH IT: THIS MAN: THIS PROFESSIONAL
GRAPHIC DESIGNER: WAS IT LAZINESS?
WAS IT CRUELTY? YOU SHOWED ME THIS BEFORE:
I DON'T THINK THIS IS LITERALLY PAPYRUS:
MAYBE THAT WAS THE STARTING POINT BUT THEY CLEARLY MODIFIED
THIS: BUT WHATEVER THEY DID: IT
WASN'T ENOUGH!
AND NOW HERE I AM DOING WHAT I
VOWED TO NEVER DO AGAIN: SITTING OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE: HOPING TO
CATCH A GLIMPSE OF HIM TO SEE HIM DOING HIS LITTLE THINGS:
LIVE HIS INSANE LITTLE LIFE: I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I
SEE PAPYRUS: OKAY:
WHERE ELSE DO YOU EVEN SEE THIS FONT?
HOOKAH BARS: SHAKIRA MERCH, OFF BRAND TEES:
MY GOD.
ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?
DO YOU REMEMBER THE AVATAR LOGO:
YEAH: IT WAS TRIBAL YET FUTURISTIC:
PAPYRUS: SURE:
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ AND THAT'S WHAT SHE HAD ALL OF THE STUFF
IN HER HANDS WHOA YEA ♪
BEAUTIFUL: BEAUTIFUL:
[ APPLAUSE ] HELLO:
AND THANK YOU FOR SPENDING YOUR SUNDAY WITH US AT MICKEY'S END
ZONE: THIS IS ABOUT FOOTBALL?
RIGHT? WELL: WE'RE JUST WARMING YOU UP
FOR THE FOOTBALL GAME THAT WILL PLAY ON A TINY TELEVISION THAT
IS LOCATED DIRECTLY BEHIND US AT THE LEVEL OF OUR MIDDLE BACKS:
BUT WE WILL MOVE: RIGHT?
WE WILL MOVE: WE WILL MOVE AT ONE POINT:
THAT'S RIGHT: AT ONE POINT, WE WILL BE MOVING:
WE'LL MOVE: AND YOU CAN WATCH YOUR
HEAVENLY CARDINALS TRYING TO OUTSIZZLE YOUR NINER FOURS:
THAT WOULD BE NICE: A LITTLE LATER:
BUT FIRST DOES ANYBODY HAVE A TINY TISSUE?
IS THERE A TINY TISSUE OR MAYBE A TOWELETTE?
I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I RAN ALL THE WAY HERE:
FROM WHERE: MY MAN? DETRISHA'S HOUSE:
YEAH: SHE TRIED TO SHOW ME A PART OF HERSELF THAT I WAS NOT
READY TO RECEIVE:
I HAVE JUST FOUND A KLEENEX: OH, THANKS:
HERE YOU GO: THANK YOU VERY MUCH:
OKAY: LET'S HIT IT
♪♪♪ ♪ TWEEDLE DO TWEE
FOOTBALL DO TWOE
I WONDER WHO'S GONNA
KAEPERNICK‐TAKE‐A‐KNEE ♪ ♪♪♪
HELLO, EVERYONE: I AM TREACE HENDERSON:
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY BAND: TO MY IMMEDIATE LEFT AND ON THE
KEYBOARD IS RAJ: THIS KEYBOARD IS A WILD
ANIMAL TONIGHT: ♪♪♪
YEAO!
TO MY RIGHT: WE HAVE MR. LARRY FONTANELLE ON HIS ROCK
AND ROLL FLUTE: ♪♪♪
THANK YOU:
YES.
THANKS FOR CALLING IT A ROCK AND ROLL FLUTE: MAN.
NOT JUST A FLUTE: IT'S DEEPER THAN THAT:
OH, I KNOW IT IS: I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I
CALLED IT JUST A FLUTE: AND YOU KICKED ME DIRECTLY IN MY
UNDERBAGS: I FELT THEM ON THE TOP OF MY
SHOE: HEY IS THAT GIRL THAT YOU ARE
DEALING WITH STILL BEING PROBLEMATIC?
LET'S NOT GO THERE: NOT HERE:
WELL: I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT IT:
BUT I HAVE BEEN ADVISED NOT TO.
OH, SO THEY ARE PLANNING TO INVESTIGATE FURTHER?
YES. THE ATTORNEYS?
THAT'S HOW THEY INTRODUCED THEMSELVES:
YES. BECAUSE THE HUSBAND FOUND
OUT? THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT:
WELL: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? THERE WAS, A HUSBAND: AN EXTRA
DUDE: AND YOU? JUST LET THE MAN BE, TREACE:
YEAH: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT HERE:
OH, YOU KNOW: YOU ARE A MYSTERY JUST LIKE DANIEL CRAIG:
♪♪♪ ♪ WOO!
♪♪♪ ♪ TWEEDLE DO TWEE
FOOTBALL DO TWOE
MAKE SURE THE GRASS IS DRY ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU TAKE A KNEE ♪ ♪♪♪
WOO! WOAH:
LOOK AT THIS LOVELY COUPLE DOWN FRONT HERE:
HOW ARE YOU GUYS FEELING? WE'RE JUST REALLY CURIOUS
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR ROCK AND ROLL FLUTIST:
YEAH I'D LOVE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT
GUY. I KNOW: RIGHT?
YOU WOULD THINK THAT AS HIS ROOMMATE: HE WOULD SHARE MORE OF
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIS LIFE WITH ME:
ASK ME IN PRIVATE: AND I'LL TELL YOU:
WELL: I NEVER SEE YOU IN PRIVATE:
YOU JUST GO RIGHT INTO YOUR ROOM:
LEAVE HIM ALONE, TREACE: WELL I MEAN IS SHE PREGGO:
YOU KNOW: LIKE FULL WITH CHILD? PG?
IS SHE PG? BECAUSE IF SHE'S PG, I WOULD
LIKE TO MAKE YOU BOTH SOMETHING FROM BUILD A BEAR:
[ PHONE RINGING ] MY PHONE:
SORRY: I HAVE TO ANSWER THIS:
WHO IS IT? YES, OFFICER:
OFFICER? WELL: THAT'S EITHER THE POLICE
OR THE MILITARY: IS IT THE POLICE?
YES, THAT'S WHERE I LIVE: I DO TOO, I AM YOUR ROOMMATE:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE WINDOW IS BROKEN?
WHAT WINDOW? WAS IT THE FRONT ROOM?
DID THEY ACCESS THE COMMON AREA?
SHUT UP FOR A SECOND: SO THEY SACKED THE PLACE?
SACKED? DID THEY GET MY GOOD JEANS?
SORRY: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
ARE THEY THERE NOW? ASK THEM IF ANYONE HAS SEEN MY
GOOD JEANS:
COULD YOU CALM DOWN: MAN? BUT THESE ARE MY GOOD DARK
JEANS: I CAN WEAR THEM WITH MY BIG
TOPS: ASK ABOUT THE JEANS:
I'M SORRY: BUT DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ANY JEANS:
GOOD JEANS: NO.
GOOD JEANS LYING AROUND: YES.
OKAY: THANK YOU:
I SEE. WHAT DID THEY SAY ABOUT MY
JEANS? THEY DIDN'T SEE ANY GOOD ONES
THERE: OH, IT MUST BE THAT GIRL'S
HUSBAND THAT YOU ARE IN A LOVE WEB WITH:
THEY TOOK MY GOOD JEANS: ♪♪♪
♪ TWEEDLE DO TWEE
FOOTBALL DO TWOE
TAKING THE KNEE BUT NOT IN MY GOOD DARK JEANS ♪
TREACE! DETRISHA:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? LOOK WHAT I GOT: YOUR
FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD: DETRISHA: IT WAS YOU?
YOU HAVE MY GOOD JEANS: NOBODY RUNS OUT ON ME:
MY GOOD DARK JEANS:
♪♪♪ ♪ TWEETO DO TWEE
FOOTBALL DO TWOE FOOTBALL NEEDS IT DOWN
ON THE FOOTBALL SCREEN♪ ENJOY THE GAME, EVERYONE:
AND WE JUST LOST POWER: OKAY GREAT:
PERFECT: [ APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪ [ APPLAUSE ]
SPECIAL THANKS TO JAY‐Z. MAGGIE AND MARLEY:
ALEC BALDWIN: EMMA STONE:
GOODNIGHT!