Wow.
Another Saturday on the couch.
Why don't we make it a goal to see the sun today?
Go down to the lake,
get in a leaky paddle boat, make out with your girlfriend.
Whoa, what'd I say? Is paddle boat insensitive to motor boats or something?
I can't keep up.
No, it's just, we're not calling Syd my girlfriend anymore.
To be clear, Elena's okay with me calling her my girlfriend.
- I like hearing it. - I like saying it.
Focus.
Since Syd identifies as non-binary
I want to call them by a term that's more acceptable and inclusive.
I'm partial to...
- my everything. - I like it.
Nope, you gotta reel that in.
Oh, you know what I always thought was so cute? "Better half."
I don't wanna call Syd half a person.
What if I tell people you're my better whole?
You're not saying that.
Don't you have anything better to do
than sit around and think of names to call each other?
Alright, I've been brainstorming names all night.
"Main Squeeze," "Person Friend,"
"Your Gay of Sunshine."
Schneider, we didn't ask for your help.
In fact, we specifically said, "Do not help us."
But it's my duty as an ally.
You can't call yourself an ally.
It's like when people call themselves woke.
But I am woke.
I'm wide awoke.
Let me just bounce some ideas off ya.
- "Partners"? - We're not lawyers.
- "Lovers"? - We're not gross.
"Longtime Companion"?
We're not two 70-year-old men suing each other over the custody of a bulldog.
Can't you do this somewhere else? Alex took his girlfriend to the museum.
And "girlfriend" is Chloe's preferred term, so don't even.
Wha-wha-what?
Chloe?
Do tell! I haven't seen anything about a girlfriend on his Instagram.
Oh, It's probably on his Finsta.
Your favorite book is Chamber of Secrets. Why can't you keep them?
- What's Finsta? - I don't know.
- Yes, you do. - Okay.
So everyone has a public Instagram where they post pictures with their mom
and sunsets and other pretend nice crap.
And then they have a secret Instagram for their friends, a Finsta,
where they live their real lives.
How did I not know about this?
I have a F-Linked-In, a F-witter and a F-Facebook.
- Well, do you have a Finsta? - Of course.
But it's just me cosplaying Wynonna Earp.
You said a lot of words that sound fake. But okay.
It's not fake, and it is way hot.
My Finsta is exclusively my chinchilla in drag.
I am requesting to follow.
- Well, what's Alex's? - I don't know.
It's a private account.
Private?
Pfft! There's no privacy here.
This house is a dictatorship.
I need to know where you are, who you're with, and what you thinking.
Fine, I will show you my Finsta.
Girl, I don't care about your nerdy crap.
Hey.
I get why you're wound up.
But kids, they keep secrets from their parents.
That's how it is.
My daughter got married.
I didn't even find out till I got the bill.
Big wedding.
Well, my kids don't keep secrets from me.
Supposedly, Alex is at the museum with Chloe to see the Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit,
- but who knows? - Yeah, he's there.
It's all over his Finsta.
He lets you follow him?
Yeah, we're co-workers, and bros.
Bro-workers.
Show me.
- Sorry, bro-workers before... - Give me that!
Oh, okay.
It's mostly pictures of sneakers he can't afford.
New post.
Him and Chloe at the museum, perfectly fine.
Nice pull, Alex.
Really?
You're saying that about a 15-year-old girl?
I guess not.
And I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in a work setting.
What's with him?
We took that sexual harassment seminar.
And I'm putting all I learned into action.
You probably noticed how I've tamped down my toxic masculinity.
It's been refreshing.
Yep, me and Doc both learned
that we can never say anything nice about any woman's body ever again.
Your loss.
I'll try to survive without you telling me my "melons" are in season.
Ah, yeah. That was a good one.
Comments like that are definitely inappropriate,
and it goes both ways,
which is why I started wearing an undershirt.
Which is ridiculous, Doc, because you have a rockin' bod.
Thank you. Wait.
No, thank you.
What kind of janky-ass seminar was this?
All I know is I feel for Alex.
I would hate to be a teenage boy in today's dating world.
"Hi, would you like to go to the prom?
I'm suing you! Hashtag MeToo."
Ah... Oh.
Another pic of Alex and Chloe.
"I got hoes in different area codes."
Well, that's not good.
Yeah, your long distance bill is going to be nuts.
Well, I don't love his language, but...
Whatever. He's trying to be cool for his friends.
It must be so hard to be a mom of a teenage boy right now.
It's so confusing out there.
Is it? I mean what do I say?
Don't be creepy, don't be douchey, don't be Scott. It's not hard.
That's what she said.
No, the woman at the seminar.
Come on!
Well, I just wish I had some parental guidance
about how to talk to women.
I learned everything on the streets.
I remember once a bunch of us went out and the guys were chatting up the gals
and they were so confident.
And I didn't know how to be that way.
And finally, I just said,
"Leslie, let's do this."
But when the next woman walked by, what came out was,
"Yum yum, give me some."
You were just an awkward teenager. You grew out of that nonsense.
This was last month.
The bar scene can be tough.
I was at synagogue.
Okay.
Alex posing with a statue,
and honking its boob.
Oh, man, that's not cool.
That statue doesn't even have arms to push him away.
Now he's posing with Chloe and honking her boob.
Ha! Like it's a horn.
Like.
Syd's your "Queer Dear."
No.
Your "Non Bino-saur."
No!
Your "Mighty Morphin Power Ganger."
Ugh, it's too '90s.
That's your problem with it?
Hi, Mami. How was your day?
Great. At lunch time I was bummed
'cause I wasn't super excited about my turkey sandwich.
But then I had one of those mini Snickers? Surprisingly satisfying.
Oh, and Alex is a perv.
Que?
What are you talking about?
Check out his Finsta.
How did you get into it?
I took Scott's phone, I think it gave me HPV.
Look at Alex's post.
Alex!
He's pretending his water bottle is his dingle.
That kid is... a filthy monster.
I can't believe my own brother has such disrespect for women.
And the planet!
I mean, a plastic water bottle?
He should be using a reusable dingle.
This right here, this is that straight-up teenage boy garbage,
where they think everything stupid and gross is hilarious.
It's not hilarious, it's sleazy, and I refuse to be the mother of a sleaze.
Well, I had a wonderful time at the museum
exposing myself to art.
I saw your Finsta.
What?
But Scott told me bro-workers before...
Nope!
Look, it's not a big deal. Everybody has one of those.
Does everyone post pictures of themselves
running around like a goose honking everything in sight?
What?
Honking boobs!
Alex, Alex, Alex. I mean...
Tweaking tatas.
Fondling fun bags.
Grabbing gazungas.
What? Yeah, uh, sorry, I lost my train of thought.
Look, it's just dumb stuff that makes my friends laugh,
and gets me...
320 likes.
Well, it's not cute, Alex.
Especially how you were treating Chloe.
She is right, Papito.
I have taught you better manners than that.
Actually, I taught you better manners than that.
Because I taught you better manners than that.
Pero in this case, I feel responsible.
Because I am the reason that he got the date with Chloe in the first place.
Do I wanna hear the rest of the story?
Pobrecito Papito.
He was so sad because he asked Chloe out and she said no.
But...
What did I tell you? I said, "You keep trying.
Wear her down.
Don't take no for an answer."
And ticky-tocky, now he has a girlfriend.
Mami, you literally told Alex no means yes?
Oh, no, no. What I said was, "Every no is a yes in disguise."
Oh, my god.
Abuelita, you are an enabler of toxic masculinity.
Oh, please, I do not enable toxic men.
I clean Papito's room twice a day.
No,
it's how society has encouraged men to define their maleness as being
aggressive, unemotional, sex-obsessed.
You're just describing a man.
Mami, maybe in your day, but times change.
Men need to be careful about how they talk to women, or else they'll get in trouble.
Oh, poor men!
"Now I can't yell from a passing car that I think a woman has sweet tatas."
I know, it's a shame.
In my day, when I walked down the street, I would hear a symphony of compliments.
You were being harassed.
Oh, yes.
Much more than all the other women.
Mami, maybe you're comfortable with that type of attention
but not everyone is.
You know what, then they are crazy.
Women want to be wooed.
Like you Tía Mimi.
Well, when she met your Tío Rico,
she did not like him because he was...
feíto.
But Rico was not stopped by his unfortunate face.
You see, he had a beautiful farm.
And one night,
he broke into Mimi's room,
and blindfolded her...
and they went for a "drive."
Do I wanna hear the rest of this story?
And the next thing Mimi knew,
she was afraid and barefoot,
standing in the middle of a sugarcane field.
Oh, my god!
I know, bare feet. Pfft!
Anton says Rico took off her blindfold,
and she swooned.
Because it was dark and it was working for him.
And then Rico says,
"This can all be yours. Mimi.
Will you be mine?"
And ticky-tocky,
they've been married ever since.
That is romance.
That is the plot of Taken 2.
And "ticky-tocky" seems to smooth over some really horrifying things.
Okay. Alex,
here's the thing about women.
Oh, boy.
Women are beautiful.
The curve of their neck, the way that they move, everything.
Preach!
That's why I'm an ally.
No means no. Yes means yes.
But it's more complicated than that, Schneider.
It can't just be a yes. It has to be an enthusiastic yes.
A "hell yes!"
Oh, I've never gotten one of those.
We will show you.
- Mom, can I please go to my room now? - No, honey.
I think it's important that you watch this.
Really?
Syd, may I place my hand on your shoulder?
Yes.
May I place my hand on your waist?
Yes!
Oh, boy, I can feel the heats.
May I lovingly caress the slope of your cheek because it feels like home?
Come on.
Is this really what the kids do?
- Yes! - No one's ever done that.
Be real, this is how your first kiss went?
Oh, no, not at all, this one just went for it.
So you didn't know if you had their consent.
We were just demonstrating the ideal.
I remember she pulled that Doctor Who scarf around my neck.
- Okay, Syd. - Kinda chocked me actually.
- Okay. - The cops had to break us up.
Okay!
I gotta admit, I'm getting kind of confused.
Oh, my god, me too.
What if someone says, "I am not sleeping with you tonight?"
And then...
an hour later, they're like, "Eh, fine."
What's that?
Unsurprising.
How many women have said, "Eh, fine"?
Yeah, I got to make some calls.
- Now I'm really confused. - I know.
It's confusing.
I hate to admit it, but I feel sorry for men.
This consent thing is tricky.
No.
Women always blame themselves,
and then the man never has to take responsibility.
During rape prevention week at school, all the signs are aimed at women.
"Girls, don't dress provocatively. Girls, don't walk alone."
How about, "Hey, guys, don't rape."
Oh, my god, why are we talking about that?
I took a couple pictures as a joke and Chloe thought it was funny.
Did she? Or did she feel like she had to laugh,
'cause she don't know what else to do with your hand on her boob?
- Okay, Elena, take it easy. - No.
He thinks what he did is cute.
You are basically a predator.
You're basically a psycho.
Wow, you too.
Good, call me crazy for defending a woman's right not to be groped!
You're mad 'cause the internet told you to be.
You don't know my life, or even leave this apartment!
Because of guys like you!
What are you talking about?
You want to know?
Okay.
A couple of weeks ago,
Syd and I were coming home from the movies on the bus, and we were holding hands.
And we noticed these guys staring at us,
and then we got off the bus and they followed us.
What?
Yes.
And they were going,
"Come on, you guys, kiss.
We really wanna see it. Just kiss."
They thought that was really funny, too.
It was actually really scary.
It was terrifying.
And then we finally lost them in a crowd and ran home.
Since then we've just stayed here.
Which is such a bummer.
Because it felt so good to be out as a couple and we had such a good day.
Elena, I'm sorry.
That sucks.
- I freaking want to kill those guys. - No.
I don't want you to bloody your beautiful hands.
I will do it!
Both of you, please cool it with the toxic masculinity.
The worst part is,
I didn't stand up to those guys.
I didn't say anything.
Baby, you did the right thing.
In situations like that, you just have to keep yourself safe.
I know, but still.
I mean, you would never put up with that, Mom.
Well...
When I was in the Army I had a mentor
and he was my first sergeant.
He thought I was a great medic and he took me under his wing.
He assigned me to a trauma room in a tactical field hospital
and that was a big step for me,
and I really wanted to make him proud.
Then one night,
I was finishing up paperwork when he walks in with a bottle of whiskey.
And right away, in my gut, I knew that something was wrong.
He said...
"We should have a drink.
We've been working so hard."
And he said how it felt right the two of us together.
And inside, I was like, "What?"
I mean, this guy was like my work dad and I didn't know what to do.
Then he got...
close to me.
He grabbed my hand
and put it on his crotch.
Oh, my god, Mom.
Well, you know me.
I'm reactive.
So I screamed and I kicked him in the balls.
Dang, Mami don't play.
Assí, right in the aguacates.
Mami, please tell me that guy got kicked out of the Army.
I wish.
My platoon sergeant offered to file a complaint, but he was honest.
It would take forever.
Plus, honestly, I didn't want people to know.
Because then that's all they know and that defines you.
He also said that I might be transferred and I didn't want to get transferred.
I freaking loved that job and I was good at it.
But I was scared.
So I said nothing.
Lupita, honey, don't feel bad.
You got through it because you are strong.
Yeah, but I still feel guilty about it.
See, this is the problem.
If you don't say something, you carry it around inside.
If you do say something, you carry it around outside.
Well, it's all super depressing, Mom.
But the good news is is that the future is bright
because of strong, amazing,
young people like you,
who aren't taking any crap.
And maybe you want to put all that righteous anger into becoming a lawyer.
That's all I'm saying.
You would rock a pantsuit in a courtroom, is all I'm saying.
Part of me doing better is making sure you have it better.
Making sure you do better.
And you...
a little less ticky-tocky.
I'm sorry, Elena.
I don't want to make anybody feel the way those dumbasses made you feel.
Sorry for saying dumb-ass.
I would have said worse.
It's okay, Alex.
I know you're a good guy.
Yes, you are.
Just remember there's a heart behind that boob.
Got it.
Who wants chicken boobs for dinner?
Sorry, wrong crowd.
Well, I just got done calling all my exes.
I can report that all of my romantic moves have been 100 percent consensual.
And 1,000 percent disappointing.
I just spent 12 hours listening to women tell me all my flaws.
Oh, Schneider, you didn't have to call anyone for that, we're right downstairs.
Would it cheer you up to know
that we found the perfect relationship name?
"Nerds"?
It's flattering,
it's non-gendered, and it's fun to say.
Syd is my SO.
"Significant Other."
Or...
are they your "Syd-nificant Other"?
Oh, my god!
That's genius!
Hey, girlfriend, wanna go out somewhere?
Hell, yeah, Syd-nificant Other.
Yay, they're going outside!
Hey, wait, is there something you guys wanna call me?
Starts with an A.
Don't say the first thing you thought of.