♪ We gone rogue on the street With this all taking heat ♪
♪ Honeys dropping their jeans Want pieces of me ♪
♪ 'cause I run this whole block with these rhymes and this Glock ♪
♪ Make this whole damn hood This my town ♪
♪ I'm the talk, cock of the walk I'm the boss and the king ♪
♪ [beep] kissing my ass, and bitches kissing my ring. ♪
Don't stop, yeah!
You know it's true.
I'm the leader of the free world.
He's the president. I...
Catch you...
- Welcome to the show. I am Keegan. - And I am Jordan.
- And this is "Key & Peele". - Yes. Well done.
Keegan and I both have white moms.
We have white moms.
And the thing about having a white mom being a black guy
is, as a kid, a white mom can't hit a black kid in public.
Can't do it. Can't do it.
Gets... too... racial... too... fast.
That's right. It escalates, and escalates to this racial thing.
I became aware of this at a very young age.
I think my mother spanked me once in the grocery store.
I swear to God, Keegan. You know that tear
that Denzel Washington does in Glory?
When he's getting whipped? That's what I did!
And I promise you,
just instinctively, it came out to me. This is what I did.
Just hit me like you're my mom in the grocery store. I said:
♪ Mama, don't you hit no black boy's booty ♪
♪ Two hundred years, and nothing changes ♪
Mr. Lewis,
thank you for coming in,
with your associates.
I know this is hard to hear, but...
we need to make some serious decisions about your mother's health.
Let's be honest: she is getting on in years.
Oooh!
Stammed... Okay...
I see how it is. I see how it is.
Well, yo mama so old,
I... I was just saying that your mother's condition
is deteriorating because she's getting older.
Oooh! See... That's cold, Doc. That's a cold one. Okay...
Okay... I see how it is... Hey, ya...
Yo mama so old...
in her history class, they just wrote down what her was doing.
Mr. Lewis, this isn't about an insult contest.
Not only is your mother elderly, but
also her ability to walk
is currently being affected by her weight.
Oooh! See...
- Okay. It just got real. - No, I'm not insulting her.
- I'm trying to tell you... - Yo mama
is so fat...
when she go to the movie theater,
bitch sits next to every way.
Listen to me, okay?
Your mother needs to manage her weight,
or there can be some real problems.
O-o-o-o-o-kay! All right, yeah, yeah!
Yo mama is so fat
she need a latitude and longitude number
to find her own ass[beep]!
Look at his face!
- Give it to me. - That's coordinates...
Coordinates
- Now, who's the doctor? - I am the doctor.
Mr. Lewis, I am.
And it is my job
to make sure that your mother is getting the care that she needs.
We are talking about the woman who took care of you your whole life.
The least you can do is take care of her in her old age,
and take this seriously.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry...
...that I lost my temper.
No, really, doctor.
I guess... I was just joking around, because...
I know her condition is very serious, and
I don't know, I guess humor is the only way
I can really deal with it.
I just know that she said so many times
she doesn't anything invasive done.
Really?
I was not aware of that. That's interesting
because she did not mention that to me in our previous conversation
because... it was difficult to hear her with
my [beep] in her mouth.
Snap, Mr. Lewis.
Oooh... Snap!
Now, let's talk about the procedures.
Hello, everybody out there.
This is Brock Favors with Traffic on the One.
Chad Armstrong is all sick today.
So I am filling in from my usual land reports.
And I'm up her in the chopper.
But, I've got to tell you guys, I am loving the view.
Oh, my God!
Not that...
All right, ah ah...
Well, we are, eh...
we are over the town
and it's massively clogged down there
like a pint of maple syrup on a cool November morning.
Damn! We're all gonna die in this [beep]er.
Ooh, my God! Ooh!
Okay...
Okay, I am...
I am very sorry, folks.
And it's a little bit of a bumpy ride up here.
We are now approaching the 405.
And, well, the left lane is blocked by a mattress.
So, somebody is...
gotta doing a little bit of return to Ikea later today.
If you know what I'm saying... Oh, mother[beep] place...
Oh, go to Hell...
Get me out of this mother[beep] *** right now.
Oh, no! Black people aren't meant to be in the sky.
We aren't meant to be in the sky, man!
Oh, Mama, help me, mother[beep]er...
Oh, Mama...
Well, the 405 is [beep]ed right now.
Ain't nobody going down in this [beep]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
I'm very sorry, folks...
I'm very sorry about it, but I'm losing my [beep] up here.
Actually, you have every right to.
We're about to crash.
Oh, [beep], help me!
Oh, my God! Help...
Mother, help...
So, here's something... Jordan and I
love to watch white guys fight.
- It's sublime. - Favorite pastime.
2 a.m., outside of a bar,
any night, any morning, you can see this.
- Best thing in the world. - It's like watching Nat. Geo
It's the Discovery Channel for us, it's Animal Planet.
This is how it happens.
White guys, they start with phase one.
Phase one, which is the arms back phase.
- Arms back, just completely. - And stretched out on back.
And it's like: "Do you wanna do something there?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm already doing it."
I need to keep my arms back.
As if they're so dangerous, I gotta keep'em back here.
Phase two, they lock horns.
"Do you want it? That's what I gonna do..."
- "Get off of my shirt." - "I'm not on your shirt."
- Two minutes later. - Two minutes later.
- "I'm [beep]ing love you." - "Best friend, dog."
"You are my brother, dude. You know that.
"I would never do anything. I would never do that."
Two more minutes.
White dudes cannot decide if they want to fight or not. They can't do it.
Then, phase four comes.
And that's when one of the guys has the genius idea to do the Fake out.
So, he's gonna walk away, act like... and he's gonna do a sneak attack.
Using karate, which he does not practice.
"I don't care. I don't care anymore, dude.
"Forget about this, dude. You know what?
"What are you doing, man?"
And always, always, there is a drunk white girl,
on the sidelines, just talking about:
"You guys, stop fighting!"
- "Megan, shut up!" - "Aaaaaaaah!"
"I don't need your help, Megan."
"You guys are best friends."
"Megan, seriously, Megan... shut up!"
I love this place. It's amazing.
I read it's like four stars somewhere.
I would rate it six stars, just like in Cosmo.
- Girl, let's take a picture. - Let's take a picture right now.
- Oh, my God. I'm making a face. - One big nose. Delete it
What am I doing? I look like a whale!
- I'm looking like an orca whale. - Delete it!
Everybody! On the ground!
Oh, my God! What is happening now?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! All right, all right!
God, listen to me. How do I do?
I look like I'm 40.
I gonna delete it. (***)
Come on guy, (***)
Guy, I look like a 5 year-old dreaming.
- I gonna delete it. - Delete it!
Police! Drop your weapon!
I look like a cloverfield.
- Just had a stroke or something? - Delete it!
Right? Yeah!
- We're kidnapped... - Ladies,
can you just show me the picture you were talking about, please?
For our sake.
Yeah, stop. Great. Right there. It's great!
Grady, we have a clear shot of the perpetrator.
He's out with the shotgun and everything. Wait, wait...
- Where did the picture go? - We deleted it.
- Gross! - What?
- I had childbirth face. - Yeah, I looked like my grandmother
- ... having an orgasm. - Delete it.
Grady, book these idiots for destroying evidence.
Whew... Why are you being so manhandling?
I don't believe this. Why are we even here?
We were the heroes of the evening.
We stopped the perpetrator. Now, we're being arrested?
Oh, my God. Hot shot, be around.
What ? No!
No, you cannot arrest me with that picture. Are you kidding me?
- Delete it. - I was blinking. This is ridiculous.
- Delete it right now. - Delete it.
Delete it!
This got to be deleted. You have to delete this picture.
When Keegan laughs, when he finds something funny,
it's over, you have to move.
I have to move. It's out of the question for me
to laugh sitting still. It doesn't happen.
If I'm watching television alone, by myself, in my home,
this is what happens.
I'm a little bit of ***
Nobody's even there to watch it.
I can't do it. I can't sit still. I have to express myself physically.
And so, a really serious situation for me
is watching a comedy on a plane.
- Oh, gotcha. - That is a problem.
I do feel for your fellow passengers.
I was literally on a plane
watching "Bridesmaids".
Remember the scene when she's got on a wedding dress,
and she poops on over the street?
That scene comes on and this is what literally happens to me.
Drink car! Drink car! I'm done.
Ladies and gentlemen, please turn off your cellphones,
and enjoy our production
of "Lunch With Greatness."
My, my, my! What a beautiful day in Montgomery, Alabama.
I swear the sun is so hot I nearly melted.
Indeed, Dr. King, but I suspect we didn't meet here
just to talk about the weather.
Indeed, brother Malcolm.
Unless, of course, we articulate that
the sun in this country shines brighter
on some than it does on others.
Yes, but when the sun does shine on us,
it is growing the seeds of revolution.
I see your point, brother Malcolm, but
do not those same seeds need to be watered
with love?
I suppose that it is the subject
And I'm all for discussion, brother Malcolm,
Unless, of course,
the words devolve into proclamation of hate!
But is that not
why we are here today, Dr. King?
To discuss.
Yes, brother Malcolm, and I am confident
that, as we discuss...
We are all going to discuss it, and discuss it,
until I say
that...
our people...
have never resorted to violence
before the white man
gave us no choice but to pay him back
in the only currency he understands.
Brother Malcolm...
Is that what you really have to say?
At this point? In our lunch?
Indeed, Dr. King
Because we didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
Plymouth Rock landed on us.
Okay, well, yes, all right... Yeah...
I heard you say that before.
I don't know why we're talking about rocks,
when, in fact, it is the flesh, and the bone,
and the... dreams. I have a dream
that some day our children will be judged
by the content of their character,
not by the color of their skin.
Same for me, same for me...
In fact, I believe that one day
a black man will become the President of the United States
of America!
Hopefully for eight years.
Obama 2012!
Of course, eight years. Of course, eight years.
That's a given, right? That's a given, you know.
I mean... But in order to get there,
isn't he going to need the help
of our strong, beautiful black women?
Gotta respect the sisters! Gotta respect the sisters!
As Wesley Snipes said in "Passenger 57",
"Always bet on black!"
Okay, so Keegan and I, we grew up in the nineties.
And, if you don't know, the fashion in the nineties was godawful.
Horrific. And the worst thing in all the nineties
- were the Z. Cavaricci's. - See, I don't even know these...
The Z. Cavaricci's, they were pant.
And the waist of the pant was so high,
it was like, "What are you? A toreador?"
And they had these pockets, that had these pleats on them,
which gave the illusion of hips.
I'm a man! I'm a man...
The leg looked like an ice-cream cone.
It whiiiiiiiiiiiiipped... Tapered in here.
And, then, at the bottom, you would take the excess,
and just go like that, and roll them up...
to taper an already tapered pant.
Why are you tapering a tapered pant?
Why are you getting so mad?
Because I wore them, Jordan.
I wore them.
- ♪ Ewwwwww.... - ♪ Wowwowowow...
♪ You know that I have been waiting ♪
♪ Had these feelings for so long ♪
♪ Had to feel so right, baby ♪
♪ How can this feeling be wrong? ♪
♪ Sometimes, the thing that you've been searching for ♪
♪ Has been right there the whole time ♪
♪ So, baby, I'm here to tell ya ♪
♪ I'm waiting right here, just to make you all mine ♪
♪ You... You're the one I've always longed for ♪
♪ You... It's a feeling I can't hide ♪
♪ You... And I've always been your baby ♪
♪ Standing right here by your side ♪
♪ Yeah, it's been building up inside of me ♪
♪ And I just gotta to come out ♪
♪ And tell you what I'm feeling, girl ♪
♪ Tell you our love is what I'm talking about ♪
♪ I... gonna tell you where my heart goes ♪
♪ And what it has known for so long ♪
♪ I finally need to show you ♪
♪ My arms are wide open, that's where you belong ♪
♪ You... You know I'll make love to you gently ♪
♪ You... The way I've seen it in my mind ♪
♪ You... I will take care of you, baby ♪
♪ There ain't no rush, baby let's take our sweet time ♪
♪ I'd do it to you in some new way you've never done before ♪
♪ Open up your mind, I will open up your door ♪
♪ I've been searching all around, for the one I can call mine ♪
♪ Sometimes, the thing you're searching for has been there the whole time ♪
♪ You... I wanna give you all I got now ♪
♪ You... And I'll take all you can give ♪
♪ You... And I'll never turn my back on you ♪
♪ As long as we both shall live ♪
♪ I'm talking about you ♪
♪ You, standing right in front of you ♪
♪ You... Nothing left to hide ♪
♪ You... Sugar, say, I'm telling you ♪
♪ Everything I've kept very deep inside ♪
♪ I'm rubbing up against ♪
♪ Your big bald head Your big bald head ♪
♪ I'd say your big bald head in the knob ♪
♪ There is no-one else I could be possibly talking about ♪
♪ 'Cause you are bald, and you are here ♪
♪ You... You're a woman, I'm a man, now ♪
♪ You... And you know that's how I like it ♪
♪ You... And I'm specifically talking ♪
♪ You... Because you're a girl and I am the opposite ♪
♪ You... Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman ♪
♪ You... You are a woman, I am a man ♪
♪ You... You know I like women ♪
♪ You... Because... I am a man ♪
♪ You... Never liked a man in my life before ♪
♪ You... And I don't like one now ♪
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
- Good night everybody. - Good night.
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