Because you're my wife, and you love the theater,
and... it's your birthday!
Great.
Unfortunately, the orchestra is already filled up.
But they do have seats that are still left in the dress circle.
If you wanted me to get them theater tickets right now,
- I'll do it right now. - So, Dog, I'm about 5 minutes away.
Yeah... Okay... Yeah... Cool...
No, they're all good singers. They're all good singers.
Yeah, son... No man... I'm telling you, man... I'm about to cross the street.
They have the one dude in it that you love. He gonna be in it. Yeah.
Come on... You know I'm almost there, right?
Right now, I'm picking up your ass at 6:30pm.
Cool! All right! Yeah yeah yeah yeah...
The parking is... The park is free.
Oh my God, Christian! I almost totally just got mugged right now!
Subtitles by dwigt www.addic7ed.com
Welcome. Welcome to the show, everybody.
- I am Keegan. - I am Jordan.
And this is "Key & Peele". Thank you, yes...
Jordan and I, we're biracial.
Yes. Half-black, half-white.
And, because of that, we find ourselves particularly adept at lying.
Because, on a daily basis, we have to adjust our blackness.
You know what I mean?
I know there's many reasons we do that, I mean.
- To terrify white people. - Yes, that's one of the main reasons.
Because, I mean, you know... with the way that we sound,
the way that we actually talk, we're not intimidating anybody.
No, no, no, no, no... We sound very white.
We sound whiter than the black dude in the college a cappella group.
Yes... We sound whiter than Mitt Romney in a snow storm.
You know what I mean?
But that's just... that's the reason.
When we're around other brothers and sisters, you will see us.
- You got to adjust... - You got to dial it up a little bit...
You know what I'm talking about, brother...
You know... I know what you're talking about...
- I know you know... - You know that I know that you know...
...what you're talking about. Look at me, man. No doubt.
No doubt, no doubt, no doubt....
All right, dude...
It's all right, because you never wanna be
the whitest-sounding black guy in a room.
You put five white-talking black guys in the same room,
you come back in an hour,
it's gonna be like Ladysmith Black Mambazo over there.
- Hey hey hey! - All right!
- You gotta see this. - Oh, I gotta see this.
- Have a good time, now. - Have fun, have fun.
- Dude, I'm sorry we're late. - It happens, man.
She talked about how we were supposed to be in the car at 6:45.
- I'm like "All right." - Oh oh!
Tell me my dumb ass I'd be sitting in the car waiting until 7:15!
Okay, when I track my wife down twenty minutes later,
she's stepping out of the damn shower, talking about "Can I help you?"
You see, that's crazy right there.
Right? I look this woman in her eyes, I said,
"Bitch, you told me 6:45..."
- You said that? - Yeah, I said,
"Bitch..." You know, I laid it out.
You said "Bitch" though.
- Huh? - You said "Bitch".
Yeah!
You gotta see the fireplace downstairs in the living room.
Okay...
"Don't play games, man. Just tell me what you want to tell me."
Exactly, it's like, "Say what you mean, mean what you say."
- Is that so hard? - It's just like last week, man,
we were going out to dinner, right?
I'm like, "Where do you want to go?" She's like, "You decide..."
I'm like, "All right... Outback Steakhouse."
She's like "Na..." All right, straight up, "Chili's."
- She's like "Uhhhh!" - No, no,
Then, well, I named seven more restaurants...
No way, Craig, no...
I finally said "Taylor's",
the place I know she wants to go in the first place.
- Right... - She looked at me and she said,
- "If that's where you wanna go..." - No, she didn't!
"That's where I wanna go, Darrell."
I looked my woman in the eye sockets,
I told her straight out, I just said it, man.
I said it, I said, I said, I said...
- I said "Bitch!" - Hey, guys!
Hey girls! How you doing? Are you having a good time?
Have you been to the bedroom? Seen the washing machine?
The washing machine is huge, you can put a whole bunch of clothes
in that washing machine.
Hey baby, I gonna take Rebecca up to the kitchen
and show her the dishwasher.
- Hey, Darrell? - Yeah, baby?
I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs.
And you'll get it too.
- I love you. - I love you.
I said, "Beeeeeeeeeeeetch!
"If you wanna go to Taylor's, just tell your brother you wanna go
- Taylor's." Okay? - You said that?
Oh, yeah, man. I laid it out.
Right... I says... I says... I says...
I said, "Beeeeeeeeeetch... I'm the man of the house."
You said, "Bitch" though. You called your wife a bitch!
Huh, yeah...
- Craig? - Darrell?
- Where are those guys? - I don't know.
So, she's like, "Why don't you rent a movie we both like?"
No she didn't!
After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster's,
Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stands, and I says it,
I says, "Bioooooooooootch!"
- You said that? - Ain't nothing but a thing!
But you said "Bitch" though?
Yep, I said it.
Hey, honey! Craig is giving me the neighborhood tour.
So, then, she's like, "I didn't know we'd be doing so much walking."
I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes."
She said, "Don't raise your voice at me."
What?
Dar- rell,
I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul!
I said,
"Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"
So, I'm a huge fan of reality television...
- And I have little use for it. - Yes.
All right, but no, we agree on one thing,
that reality TV has completely gone bananos.
It is redinc to the hinculous.
It is, it is.
It used to be very simple. It used to be just,
"Live in a house, and we'll film it.
"And then, we'll do the same thing next year."
And it was like that for ten years...
And then, all of a sudden, it turned into,
"You can live in the house, but we might kick you out,
"if you don't run the raw diet food coop correctly."
That's right...
And then it was, "No house for you.
"Live on a beach, starve, and make alliances with each other."
But that show happened,
and that's when it went to straight-up nutburger Crazytown right there.
All of a sudden, it was, "Be a gay man designing things
"and get angry at other gay men designing things."
Or "Mad lesbians in a kitchen."
Yes. Or "Please install the television on my mode of transportation."
"Eat a bug, win a car."
"Dangerous fishing"
Or "You've always been poor, but now, you have a pool table."
Or "You have a mental illness. Let us rearrange the furniture for you."
Drew, come forward.
Yes, chef, this is a chicken quiche, with carmini mushrooms,
baby spinach, and feta cheese.
Unbelievable.
Walter, I have a huge problem with this dish.
It's that you haven't made it for me sooner.
Thank you, chef.
Because if you had, Drew, then I would know
how good you are at cooking food... that's bad.
I'm sorry, chef.
When I say "Bad", I mean Michael Jackson bad
Thank you, chef.
You know, how he looked really, really bad at the end of his life?
Chef, I'm sorry. I don't know if you like the dish or not.
You don't know if I like the dish or not?
Well, let's put it this way. Pack your [beep]ing knives,
get out, you're off the show.
I'm sorry, chef.
Because...
you should be working in the finest restaurant in the world.
- Thank you, chef. - Just not any world that I live in.
- Sorry, chef. - Because, frankly, Drew,
I'm jealous of you.
Thank you, ch-chef.
And your ability to not give a [beep]
about what you cook.
This... is not fit
for human consumption.
No, this... should be eaten
by a higher life form, with a more complex palate.
But also an altruistic drive to save humanity from dishes like this.
Joking! Not! You just have to die!
So you won't have to endure a life
in which you will never exceed what you have achieved
here today....
Thank you, chef.
In conclusion,
meh...
Lil Wayne, yo!
The Carter, yeah yeah yeah...
Yeah, I'm coming to you all straight from Rikers penitentiary, bitch.
You heard me.
There are haters out there
who think that I'm playing, that I'm some kind of joke, man.
Yeah... "Young Money"...
Yeah, take this out right here, man.
Yeah, yeah, I'm the baddest mother[beep]er
on this whole prison here, bitch, yeah!
You heard? Take it out! Let's go!
I'm the baddest dude of all... Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh....
So, Jordan does not drive, which, I think, is completely crazy.
That's true. I can explain. I'm from New York.
Originally, first of all...
Yeah, we don't drive in New York.
And I'm from the polar opposite.
I'm from the Motor City. I'm from Detroit,
and so, you have to drive, or you get stabbed.
But that's just it. You just landed on it.
That's why I don't drive, because people go crazy, man.
People turn into Mr Hyde.
That is not true that everybody that gets behind the wheel of a car
- flips out. - You do.
No, I don't. I do not. When would have I done that?
When that one lady cut us off, that one time,
My man goes into top speed.
You started swerving in between vehicles, right there.
I did. I swerved in between vehicles.
- He had to catch up with her. - You're right.
And when we caught up with her, my man rolls down his window.
- What did you yell at her? - I said, "Selfish!"
Selfish!
"You know, selfish!"
Please, you have to understand, you have to understand,
that's the nicest guy in the world, right here.
To him, "selfish", that's the C-word.
I love it that it is your version of road rage, by the way.
So, you think that if you got a driver's license, you would just flip out?
No, I answer to people.
I don't drive because I smoke weed,
and I don't want to kill anybody.
Jordan, you could always just stop smoking weed.
I'm sorry. What did you say? I'm high, right now.
I'm telling, it's totally legal.
These doctors, they'll prescribe medical marijuana to anyone, man.
- What do I tell them I need it for? - It doesn't matter...
They want to give you prescriptions. That's how they get paid.
Just make something up.
Hey, Mr. Washington! Welcome...
- Hey, Doctor. - I gonna ask you a couple of questions.
- AIDS. - What?
AIDS.
- AIDS? As in... - As in "I got it"!
Needs lots of weed to get rid of it.
Ok... Okay... AIDS... Huh...
Wow... Alright...
Are you sure you're not suffering from anything else,
- like, you know, back pain? - No.
- Anxiety? - Cool as a cucumber.
- How about insomnia? - Sleep like a baby...
...with AIDS.
Okay, Mr. Washington. Let's see how it rolls for a second.
If you had AIDS, then I would have to verify it by sending test results,
whereas if you have back pain or anxiety,
or anything else that I can't test for,
then I can give you this prescription for cannabis right now.
- Huh... - Understand?
Yeah, I see, I get it. My bad...
- Okay... So? - Leprosy!
No, no... Because if you had leprosy, I'd have to quarantine you.
Ouch!
No. Okay. I see your finger falling off.
- Ouch! - Don't do that. That's not gonna work.
- Scurvy. - Nope.
- Rickets? - What? No...
- Consumption. - No, Mr. Washington.
- Something from this century. - Schizophrenia.
You don't have schizophrenia. But you do.
Just keep it simple, please!
What the hell is that? I don't know what that is!
That's a fish hook in my lip.
- Just pick something off this list. - I can't reach you.
- Why not? - Paralyzed!
Does your face hurt, Mr. Washington?
- Yeah. - Then, this should help.
Lil Wayne, yo...
"Young Money"!
Ya'll need to watch your back, ya heard me?
And right yet, 'cause I'm coming for ya...
You know, watch up, man, I want this. Yo!
Ain't that ya? Let's go! I'm the baddest...
Where are you going, man? Where are you going?
Hey, hey, man. Where are you going? You ain't got to go now...
Okay... I see... "Pick on the little guy", huh!
Punk! He hi...
This little ironic mother[beep]er right here...
I had this friend in grade school. And we were really tight.
And we grew up and went to different high schools.
We lost touch with each other.
And... it's already funny.
And so he said to me... He calls me out of the blue one day.
This is my jam.
And we were talking on the phone.
He asks me about this girl in my highschool.
And he says to me, "What do you think of that girl?"
And so, I told him what I thought. I told him the truth.
I said, "Oh, don't, man...
"My girl is not attractive.
"My girl is like rough in this area, you know...
"My girl is straight hip, you know...
"Nice enough girl, but she is ugly!"
And my man goes, my man goes like this.
He says, "Oh, dog... That's my girlfriend..."
And I litterally go like this,
"Oooooooooooooh...
***
She bought his head.
Hey, man... I don't think I should be doing this right now.
"Young money"!
Hey, my man... There's a time and a place...
I'll wait a little longer, right now.
Hey, my man, I ain't scared, yo...
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
Now, before I begin...
I just wanna say that I know a lot of people out there seem to think
that I don't get angry.
That's not true. I get angry a lot.
It's just the way that I express passion
is different from most.
So, just there's no more confusion,
we hired Luther here to be my anger translator.
- Luther? - Hi!
First off, concerning the recent developments in the Middle Eastern region,
I just want to reiterate our unflinching support
to all people, and the right to a democratic process.
Hey, all ya dictators out there?
Just see what happens. Watch!
Also, to the governments of Iran, and North Korea,
we once again urge you to discontinue your uranium enrichment program.
Hey Mahmoud, Kim-Jong! I think I already done told both of ya.
I'll 86 ya [beep] bitches! I'll come over there and I find ya!
Please test me and see what happens!
On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critics
I hear your voices and I'm aware of your concerns.
So, maybe if you could chill the hell out like for a second,
then maybe I could focus on some [beep], ya know!
That goes for everybody, including members of the Tea Party.
Don't get me started on these mother[beep]ers right here.
I assure you that we'll be looking for new compromises with the G.O.P.
in the months ahead.
And you know, if these mother[beep]ers just say no, we'll find them just [beep].
I know lots of folks say I haven't done a good job
communicating my accomplishments to the public.
In case ya all mother[beep]ers don't listen.
Since being in office, we've created 3m new jobs.
Three million new jobs!
We ended the war in Iraq.
End of the war y'all. We ended a war. Rememember that?
These achievements should serve as a reminder that I'm on your side.
I am not a Muslim!
And that my attentions, as your President,
They're coming from Hawaii, which is where I'm from,
which is in the United States of America, y'all. Okay?
This is ridiculous. I have a birth certificate.
I have a hot diggity daggity mama-se mama-sa
mama-kossa birth certificate ya dumbass crackers.
Okay. Luther? Rope it in.
You done it back Luther, damn.
In conclusion, last night
I had a conversation with Michelle, and...
- I says, "Biiiiitch"! - No, I did not say that.
I did not say that!
So, we're going to say good night right now.
But before we do, I just want to say
I do think we are lucky in the lottery of life.
I think we are lucky to have gotten the best qualities of both races.
I think so too.
Because I know there are two dudes out there somewhere right now
with little [beep] and sickle cell.
Good night!
Subtitles by dwigt for addic7ed.com
www.tvsubtitles.net