(I Love Lucy theme music plays)
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(theme song ending)
Mmm... that was good, Lucy.
Want some more?
I have eight or nine pieces left in the kitchen.
No, three's my limit.
Ha!
Well, I guess I'd better go put on a new face.
Yeah, me, too.
Say, did you see that little polka-dot dress at Orbach's?
The one with the white, ruffled collar?
LUCY: Wasn't that the cutest thing
you've ever seen?
What's that for?
Well, I'm always hoping that this time will be the charm.
What do you mean?
Ethel keeps going out to put on a new face
but she always comes back with the old one.
Well, you know how women are.
Yeah.
If Lucy doesn't have any lipstick on,
she thinks she's niked.
"Niked"?
Yeah, you know-- not wearing a thin'.
A "thin"' what?
Clothes, clothes, clothes!
"Niked"-- not wearing no "thin"' clothes.
Nah, me either.
Uh-huh, same old one.
Same old one here, too.
What are they talking about?
I don't know, but whatever it is,
ours aren't young enough.
We were just teasing you, honey, because you said
you were going to go in and put on a new face, and you didn't.
Oh, Ethel, did you ever wish
there was something else to marry besides men?
Often.
Well, what are we gonna do tonight
besides sit around and sneer at each other?
- Shall I look in the paper? - Yeah.
I'd better call Jerry.
Wouldn't it be quicker to look in the paper?
- This is for something else. - Oh.
I'm having some trouble finding some apache dancers for my show.
Apache dancers?
Yeah.
(hooting)
Lucy. Lucy!
What?
Not that kind, honey.
- It's for the Parisian number. - Oh.
The French kind.
A French Indian?
Oui, oui.
♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui ♪
♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui... ♪
No, no, Lucy.
You know, where the tough Frenchman
grabs the girl by the hair and throws her over his shoulder
and slams her down on the floor and steps on her.
Oh! Oh.
(humming tango)
(squawking melodramatically)
(gasping)
Wait.
Oh!
Ah-ah-ahhhh!
(gasping and yelling)
Lucy. Lucy.
Lucy!
What?
I got your message.
- You want to be in the show, right? -Right.
- And you think you can do the dance, right? -Right.
Well, honey, you don't have to go into all these routines.
- I don't? - No, honey.
All you have to do is just come out and ask me:
"Ricky, can I be in the show?"
Really?
Of course.
Ricky, can I be in the show?
No.
- Jerry. - You're mean.
You didn't even let me finish auditioning.
- For heaven sakes, -Hold on a minute, Jerry, will you?
You give everybody else a chance but your wife.
What do you mean, "what's going on?"
My wife is acting crazy again, Jerry.
That's all that's going on.
Now, look, you just hold on like I told you to do, Jerry!
Just wait a minute!
Ay, que barbaridad!
(yelling gibberish)
Relax, Lucy, relax.
Oh, he makes me so mad.
There are just two things
keeping me from dancing in that show.
Your feet?
No.
A partner and some rehearsal.
It's a wonderful opportunity for somebody.
Even if you had a partner,
Ricky wouldn't hire you.
Well, you heard what he said.
He's having trouble finding somebody.
Maybe if I had a partner and we were really good,
Ricky couldn't turn me down.
It's a wonderful opportunity for... somebody.
Yeah, but who?
Well...
Gee, I wonder
what Fred Astaire is doing these days.
(groans)
Lucy.
LUCY: Coming.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi.
Uh...
(chuckles nervously)
Something on your mind, Ethel?
No... yes.
Well, that covers the territory pretty well.
Lucy, were you serious last night
about finding that partner for the apache dance?
I certainly was.
Well, I've got him for you-- Fred.
Fred!
Astaire!
(imitates drumroll)
♪ Ta-dah-dah! ♪
Oh, Mertz.
Now, Lucy, before you make up your mind, listen.
Fred used to be a headliner in vaudeville.
Why, he can dance circles
around any of the younger men today.
He's the king of the apache dancers.
There, I said it. Do I get my new hat?
Yes.
Well, thanks a lot, Fred, but I don't think...
Oh, now, listen, Lucy. He's really not half bad.
He might work out fine.
Why don't you give him a chance?
Yeah.
Well, all right.
I suppose a fat apache is better than none.
ETHEL: Okay, you're on your own.
See you later.
Bye.
Now we can start rehearsing, huh?
Oh, all right.
Now, let's get going.
Well, I don't know much about this, but...
Well, I'm gonna show you-- now, here.
Put your hands together behind your back.
Put them up a little higher.
Now turn around.
Now... Now we face each other and look in each other's eyes.
Where are you?
I'm down here.
Well, it's impossible to look into each other's eyes.
No, it isn't; we've got to do it.
All apache dancers do it.
Now, you come down a little and I'll come up.
All right.
Hey... whoa, whoa, whoa, right in there.
- Ah, hold that. - Yeah.
Now we put our heads together.
Now stare in each other's eyes.
All right.
Now we go forward.
Okay.
- Are you ready? - Yep.
♪ Da, da, da, de-- ♪
Ow!
Oh!
Forward, I said forward.
I went forward.
I mean I go forward and you go backward.
Well, why didn't you say that?
- I did. - You did not.
Now, don't argue with me.
I'm the one who knows about this.
All right.
Oh, come on, let's try it again.
Put your hands behind your back.
All right.
Now, turn around.
Now, put our heads together.
All right.
Look in each other's eyes.
Okay.
Now, are you ready?
Yeah.
♪ Da, da, da... ♪
I Ya, da, da, da da, da-dum, bum ♪
♪ Ya, dia, dia... ♪
I Ya, da, da, da da, da-dum, bum ♪
(groaning)
Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.
You're sorry.
Yeah, that helps a lot.
Fred, I'll be careful next time.
Try it yourself this time, will you?
All right.
All right, now, put your hands behind your back.
All right.
All right, now. Now...
(yells)
Stand still, will you?
All right, yeah.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
♪ Da, da, da... ♪
I Ya, da, da, da da, da-dum, bum ♪
♪ Ya, dia, dia... ♪
I Ya, da, da, da da, da-dum, bum ♪
(groaning)
I guess I dah-ed when I should have dum-ed.
Yeah.
Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.
You're sorry and I'm crippled.
Oh, come on, let's go on from here.
Let's try something else.
- Okay. - Here.
Now I grab you by the wrist
and hurl you to the floor.
What?
I grab you by the wrist and hurl you to the floor.
Okay.
I said I grab you by the wrist
and hurl you to the floor.
Okay.
What's the matter with you?
Are you nailed down?
Well, Fred, maybe you weren't doing it right.
Now, you said you take me by the wrist
and you hurl me to the floor.
Is that what you mean?
Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
But there's a little bug in it someplace.
We've got to figure out
how to get you down here and me up there.
- Lucy! - What?
Lucy, I've got the most wonderful news.
What?
Well, this is going to cost me a new hat,
but I found the perfect partner for you.
Really? Who?
I'm sorry, Fred,
but I'm about to dethrone you
as king of the apache dancers.
You're a little late.
I've just abdicated.
Who was it?
The owner of the French laundry has a nephew
who just got here from Paris, and he's an apache dancer.
Really? What's his name?
His name is-- now, I want to say it
just like he did--
his name is Jean Valjean Raymand.
(nasally); Onh?
Jean Valjean Raymand.
- Onh. - Onh.
I asked him to come over here this afternoon.
- Is that all right? - Yeah, that's wonderful.
Ricky will be at rehearsal all day.
Oh, I envy you spending all afternoon
with a romantic Frenchman.
Oh, Ethel, don't be silly.
This is strictly business.
- Onh? - Onh.
(doorbell buzzing)
Madame Ricardo?
Yes?
I am Jean Valjean Raymand.
Oh!
Won't you come in, please?
It was so good of you to come this afternoon.
(gasps)
What's the matter?
Oh, madame.
But you have such a beautiful hand!
Oh, really?
Well, I have another one just like it.
Please, we'd better get to the dancing.
Oh, but you don't understand, madame.
The apache dance is a dance of amour.
One must warm up to it.
Yeah, well, I think you started warming up
on the way over here.
I can't help it. I can't help it.
There's a pounding in my heart.
You don't watch out, there'll be a pounding on your head.
Lucy, Ricky's coming.
Ricky?!
I just saw him coming up the front stairs.
Oh, no! Quickly, quickly!
- Vite? - My husband.
Oh, vite!
Here, here.
Hi, honey.
Oh!
Oh, hello, Ricky.
What are you doing here?
I live here, remember?
I mean, what are you doing home in the afternoon?
Oh, I forgot this music, honey.
I need it for rehearsal.
Oh, gee, it's a shame
you can't stay for a minute.
Oh, I guess I can stay a minute or two.
Oh, no, no, you'd better go.
What's the matter with you?
Well, I guess I'm just excited
because you're... h-home in the afternoon.
Well!
If you're going to get that excited,
I should never leave.
(squawking)
I'll see you tonight.
Oh, good-bye, dear.
I'd better get my hat; it looks like rain.
Oh, l'll get it, I'll get it.
All right, thank you.
There.
Thank you, honey.
Maybe I should take an umbrella, too.
Oh, l'll get it, I'll get it.
No, I guess not.
Still, I hate to get soaked on the way down to the club.
Ah, the heck with it.
-L'll see you tonight, honey. - Bye.
(sighs)
ls he gone?
Huh?
Your husband, is he gone?
Oh, yes, he's gone.
Oh, ma cherie, now I know how you really feel about me.
Kiss me! No!
Why are you American women
so stubborn?
Why are you Frenchmen so amorous?
I don't know.
Just fortunate, I guess.
- Kiss me. - No!
But if all you wanted me was to dance with you,
why did you hide me from your husband?
Because I want to get a job dancing in his show,
and I don't want him to know that I'm rehearsing with you.
Am I not romantic to you?
Yes, you are not romantic to me.
Now, please go.
Very well.
I shall go.
Thank goodness.
But... I shall return
and I shall look for ways
to make myself more romantic
in your beautiful, big, blue eyes.
Ewww...
Vive la romance!
Well!
What are you doing, dear?
Oh, just getting comfortable.
Put your shoe back on.
I promised the Mertzes we'd go to the movies with them tonight.
They'll be up in a few minutes.
Oh... all right.
Lucy?
Yes, dear, you have to shave.
Shave, shave, shave.
All this shaving is liable to wear my chin away.
Okay, Andy Gump.
(laughs)
Shh! shh!
What are you doing here?
Oh, this is more romantic.
We will elope together.
Elope? Are you out of your mind?
Now, get out of here.
No, please don't.
Oh!
(yelling)
(crashing)
What happened?
The ladder-- she went down without me.
Fine, now what are you going to do?
RICKY: Lucy?
(yells)
Shh!
Lucy?
What is it?!
No hot water again.
Did you tell Ethel
to fix the hot-water heater?
Yes, I talked to her.
Well, she'd better fix it
or I'm going to move.
I cut myself to pieces in here.
Feels like I shaved with the top of a tin can.
Tin can?
Yeah.
You know, it wouldn't be such a bad idea to move, at that.
How would you like to live in the country and commute?
Oh, I'd like that.
Uh, honey, you'd better go get your shirt on.
The Mertzes will be here any minute.
Oh, we have lots of time.
Want a cigarette?
Yeah, light it for me, dear.
All right.
Hey, look at me.
I'm making like Paul Henreid.
(Lucy laughing stiffly)
Uh, put it in my mouth, dear.
Do you want me to smoke it for you?
You know, living in the country
wouldn't be a bad idea at all
with the trees and the flowers...
the birds singing...
tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet.
Tweet-tweet.
Where would you like to live,
Long Island or Westchester?
Westchester.
Yeah, you know,
it'd be real wonderful to be away from the...
from the crowd and the noise and the nightclubs.
And the smoke.
We could get a place in New Jersey. That's nice...
(Jean Valjean yelling)
What's that?
Hey, there's a man out here!
Hey, hold it now.
Hold on.
I'll get...
Hold on, now, hold on.
(sighing)
Oh, thank you, monsieur.
I thought I was going to fall.
Who are you, and what are you doing outside that window?
Yeah, how about that?
My ladder fell.
I came here to elope with madame.
Elope! What's going on here?
How can you say a thing like that?
What do you mean you came here...?
Please, please, this is no time to argue.
If we stay here much longer,
her stupid husband will return
and find us here.
Watch what you're saying!
He's my stupid husband!
He's my husband.
All right, you, now you tell me what's going on
or I'll punch you right in the nose.
(screaming)
Don't try to get away, you gigolo!
Gigolo!
I am very insulted.
I challenge you to a duel.
LUCY: A duel!
You got yourself a deal, brother.
Very well.
Tomorrow at dawn
behind Radio City Music Hall.
What do you mean, "tomorrow at dawn
behind Radio City Music Hall"?
Right now-- I'm ready now.
Very well.
I challenge you.
You choose the weapons.
These are good enough for me, brother.
Put them up. Come on.
Ricky, Ricky.
Please, please, please-- too crude.
Very vulgar. It must be pistols.
"Pee-stoles"?
Who's got any "pee-stoles"?
I'll hit you on top of the head with a conga drum, you bum.
Qu'est-ce que c'est “conga drum, you bum“?
Well, it's a long...
and it's...
and you...
It'll hurt you.
It must be pistols.
Where are we going to get pistols?
I have such a terrible temper
that I always carry with me
dueling pistols.
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Okay, that's good enough for me.
Ricky, Ricky, you don't know what you're doing.
Come on, honey, this is liable to be a bit messy.
Ricky, I'm not worth it.
-I'm not worth it. -Out.
-I'm not worth it. - Out! Out!
All right, I'm ready.
Where did you go?
Hey, Frenchy!
All right.
Please, put that thing away before you kill somebody.
You mean we're not going to duel?
I hope not.
Whew!
That's the closest I've ever been to a duel
in my whole life.
Me, too.
What do you mean, "me, too"?
It was a burn steer.
I was told that it was safe
to challenge people over here
because American men would be afraid to duel.
American men, eh?
I guess I fooled you with my Brooklyn accent, eh?
I guess I made what you call a boo-boo.
I guess you did.
What about all this stuff
about eloping with my wife?
Is that another, uh... boo-boo?
Oh, super-size.
I was also told that American women
expect Frenchmen to be romantic.
I have a wife and five children of my own.
Then what are you doing here?
I came here to be your wife's dance partner
in the apache dance.
Oh.
Ohhh...
Oh, I smell a red-headed rat.
I tell you what we're going to do, amigo.
This thing loaded?
But yes.
Ay!
We're going to teach my wife a lesson
she will never forget.
You and I are going to do...
Well, we're ready to go to the movies.
- Lucy... what's the matter? -(yells)
They're in there. They're going to fight a duel.
- A duel! - Yes!
Who's dueling?
Did he come back?
- Yes! - Who's dueling?
How did it happen?
He called him a gigolo.
Who's dueling?
Swords?
Pistols.
Who's dueling?
Ricky and Jean Valjean Raymand.
All four of them?
(gunshots)
(wailing)
(gunshots stop)
LUCY: Oh, no.
Sorry, madame, c'est la vie.
Is he...?
Oh, Ricky!
Don't, madame.
It isn't a pretty sight.
(wailing)
Oh, this is all my fault.
I killed him.
Oh, you poor little thing.
No, you didn't. He did.
You... you crepe suzette!
If I hadn't wanted to do that apache dance,
this never would have happened.
Oh, if I only had it to do over again,
I'd just be happy being Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.
Oh, Ethel, if I only had another chance.
All right
I'll give you one more chance.
Ricky!
Ricky, you're all right.
Oh, sure I'm all right.
Honey, what happened?
We both made a boo-boo.
Oh, yoo-hoo.
Vive la romance.
Oh, honey, you should have seen your face
when I popped out of that room.
Well, you scared me out of ten years' growth.
Oh, well, honey, I just wanted to teach you a lesson.
That's all.
Yeah, I guess I had it coming to me.
Well, good night, baby.
Good night, sweetheart.
(sighing)
(yells)
Hey! What's that for?!
Well, I've just been thinking it over.
That wasn't funny at all.
That was a terrible thing to do to me.
How could you play such a dirty trick
when you know the effect it would have on me?
Of all the inconsiderate, no-good, lowdown...
I don't think that I'll ever speak to you again.
(I Love Lucy theme music plays)
ANNOUNCER: The pan' of Jean Valjean Raymand
was played by Shep Menken.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
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